Gratitude for the Day

1.  Snow, snow, beautiful snow!  (see photo)  God really knew what He was doing when He made such glorious stuff.  And when I walked home in it, arm in arm with Mr. Squire tonight, I thought...nothing in the world could be better.

2.  Mercy at work.  Today was the first day in three weeks that I was able to come home and have dinner with Mr. Squire (before putting in another hour of work).  We went out for Five Guys and split a burger and fries for $6.83.  It's the simple pleasures in life.

3.  Encouragement from THREE different sources that God is my boss, not man.  One came from an early morning email from one of my prayer partners, who is not yet a believer but an active seeker.  The second came during my morning devotional - Matthew Henry's commentary on Isaiah 23.  The third came from an email from Wendy, a friend from church.  

4. Picking March Madness brackets in connection with the Ethiopia Clean Water project.

The Mountain and the Molehill

Let's first talk thanks: 

• My first day off in three weeks...kind of. I still ended up going into the office for 20 minutes to address an emergency, but other than that, I was pretty much off from work today.  That was a gift.

• A dear friend from women's group Facebook walled me and said "I miss you...that is all."  She's been vacationing with her husband in Asia for the last week.  I was really touched by her message.  We've been in the same WG for two years now, and our friendship has grown tremendously during that time. 

• During my work emergency, Mr. Squire came with me to the office... he prayed with me beforehand, when I first received word by email and started to panic, and he came along to keep me company.  His prayers, presence, and encouragement helped calm my nerves. I am so thankful for my husband.

• Today we went to Barnes & Noble to find an educational gift for our nephew, who turns three next week.  While there, we saw a bargain-priced volume that contained three different "Frog and Toad" books.  I loved those books as a child, and bought all those memories back for $7.98 today.  Totally worth it.  Already finished rereading the first book and a half, and the stories of friendship and fun are so priceless.  I can't wait to read these to future Squire kids.

• We sang "Hail to the King" at church today. The song always moves me somewhere deep inside and I get choked up right around "when You come in glory for the world to see, we will sing...Hail to the King, in all His splendor and majesty, Hail to the King of Kings, Lord Jesus our God."  I am excited about heaven, and I am eager to get there.  At that time, we shall truly be at rest and peace, and God will make all things right again.  I long for heaven and for a long-awaited victory of a most worthy King.

Now we can talk about other things, too.

It's probably obvious from the first bullet point above, but I'll spell it out here as well... I haven't been taking a Sabbath for the last three weeks.  I know it's really hurting me, too.  I'm totally worn, slipping on my obligations, and emotionally and mentally fragile.  It's hard for me to remember details about anything unrelated to work (and even then...).  I know this isn't what God wants for me.

At the same time, I struggle with any sort of workaround.  Taking a full day off on the weekends is tough because I work on the weekends in part to not feel like I'm totally spinning out of control and drowning on the weekdays.  At least on weekends, I can work in peace, without anyone emailing me or calling me or seeking my attention.  On weekdays, anything is fair game, and one distraction can balloon into at least ten others.  

To add complication, I do mentoring on Saturdays, which takes up about three hours (including transportation), and on Sundays, I have church, which takes anywhere from 5-7 hours (including transportation), depending on which obligations I have on any given day.  Besides that, I try to do at least one social visit per weekend, to keep tabs on my girlfriends, meet coworkers outside of work, care for and receive care from people at church, etc.  I kind of feel like those are reasonable expectations for the weekend... but they make it really hard to get all work done on one day, and to leave the other day free, particularly when I've been clocking in at least seven (and up to fourteen) billable hours every weekend for the last three weekends.  And this weekend, I was able to swing it only because mentoring was canceled for me yesterday, so I got three hours back. 

The long and short of it is ... I can't keep doing this.  And while Mr. Squire and I have always made a habit of praying together in the mornings (at least on weekdays), we now have added praying together at night--every night--asking for guidance about where God would have us go and what He would have us do.  It's funny:  we observed this weekend that as we look forward to starting a family pretty soon, we pretty much have most of the important things in place--a very solid marriage, our finances in order, our education is done.  But our jobs!  For some reason, neither of us has it together in that way yet.  And that's hurting us.  

But as problems go, I realize ours are really...not problems.  Oh, you have a job? A well-paying, respectable job?  With good co-workers, too?  Oh, and Mr. Squire has a good job with good co-workers as well?  And the only thing you're complaining about is your hours?   Yeah, when I look at it like that, I kind of get embarrassed.  We are fortunate to be employed.  We are blessed to have good jobs that allow us not only to survive but also to save.  We are also blessed to have choices in life.  As a comparison, Sheena, the lady at the threading salon, has two daughters, ages 6 and 13.  Sheena works at the salon in Brooklyn seven days a week.  Her husband works at a candy store.  They live in Queens - about an hour away.  And their daughters live in Mumbai with Sheena's sister-in-law.  And Sheena sees her daughters once a year.  My issues aren't issues compared to Sheena's.  My challenges aren't really measurable next to hers.  So what am I talking about??

This is where I am, and these are the mental mazes I'm working through.  I need God to speak to us.  Lord, our hands are open, our ears are bent toward you, and our hearts invite You to speak and to lead.

Giving Thanks

Sometime in late 2004, I began a daily journal wherein I recorded things I was thankful for every night.  The listed items ranged from ordinary everyday blessings (today was a sunny day!) to medium-sized blessings (had a great conversation with a friend!) to monumental blessings (You spared my dad following his heart attack when no one thought he should have made it!).  I kept it up faithfully, every day, for about seven years.  And then, at some point in 2011, I stopped journaling.  

Marriage had something to do with it:  when I was single, I had quiet time every evening before sleeping -- time to read my Bible, pray, and write in my journal.  Now, my evening routine involves praying with Mr. Squire, playing Words with Friends with Mr. Squire, and reading (for fun).  My quiet time has moved to the morning, after he has left for school, but that doesn't really make sense in terms of timing for the gratitude journal because it is at the beginning of the day.  

That having been said, I think it's time to bring the practice back. I feel this is especially important now that I am deep into a mire at work and in a place where I may easily lose perspective.  Let me never lose perspective of God's faithfulness and richness of blessing in every day.

So, let's start with yesterday's list:

• Dinner with friends from Boston (Riley and Jung), together with a dear brother and sister from church, and Mr. Squire

• Working at home for six hours, but all that made easier by the fact that Mr. Squire was home (doing our taxes!), my favorite music was playing, and snow was falling outside and God knows I LOVE snow

• Our Denver project is progressing! Yesterday we received news that the seller accepted our offer this last week.  More about this in a different post, but what a praise.

• Mom is visiting Big Brother and his daughter while Big Sister is away doing missions in Haiti.  Seeing pictures of Mom with Little Niece makes me smile. Mom never thought she would live long enough to be a grandmother (I doubted it as well) and I know this is a huge, huge blessing for her.

When We Are Weak, He is Strong

I don't really have time to tap out anything eloquent--or even long--because I have been billing almost 70 hours a week.  But I will say the following:  being in a position of weakness, discontent, and despair stinks.  It really does.  It is exhausting and life-sucking and leaves one empty and slumped.

But it can be a blessing.  

I can testify to it, because these days, I lack strength, I'm emotionally fragile, and I feel like I'm floundering.  The relief in this state, as not-fun as it is, though, is that I am in a position of utter humility and dependence on God for strength to make it through the day.  I constantly feel the need to cry out to Him, to enshroud my moments in prayer, to cling to Him because...I truly feel that hope in Him is all I have.  I thirst after Him, and reach out my trembling hand to touch His cloak and find shelter in it.  My eyes may wander, but more than usual, they remain fixed on Him for longer periods of time because for once I really sense that there is no one who can help me but God.  No one who can rescue me, no one who even sees the trouble I am going through, but Him.  

Herein lies the strength.  These days, I have found that truly, when we are weak, He is strong.  When our eyes are trained on God, when our hands are perpetually reaching out to Him in desperation, when we find refuge in Him and Him alone--having been abandoned by other sources of comfort--we are in a position to see His gaze of compassion.  We are in a place of attention to feel His touch, to sense His presence, to hear His voice at least a little better.  In other words, we are in the place of humility that God calls us to to begin with, in a place uncrowded by other affections, unpolluted by distractions and temptations, unfooled by illusions and mirages that surround us, because we know that they fail.

I do hope to emerge from this total stressball state soon.  But if and when that happens, may God keep my knees to the ground and my heart close to Him.

Stopping By to Say...

It's been a rough few days around here...

work work work work work work work

followed by

work work work work work work work work work work

plus

feeling behind on other untouched

work work work work work work work

more than a few frustrated tears

forgetting keys and having to wake Mr. Squire up at midnight to unlock the door for me

the constant space-cadet-ish bubble-around-my-head-type-of-tired feeling

not falling asleep

not staying asleep (thanks, neighbors who like to march about on hardwood floors in the early morning)

dreaming bad dreams

or just dreams about

work work work work work work work work work work

something tells me

this isn't what we're made for

but that holy grail

which I've been seeking

praying for

asking for

waiting for

still isn't in front of me

so until then

I find...

reasons to praise

reasons to thank

reasons to be joyful

a loving and understanding husband who makes me laugh even on the worst of days

a wonderful colleague who is undergoing the same misery and understands

a boss who is mindful and makes sure I know he says thank you

a secretary who juggles the constant asks I issue

employment, so hard to find these days

a late-night conversation with mom

on the ride home from work

the joy of the Lord

is

my

strength.

On Communion

Today Pastor said a little more than he usually does about Communion.  He explained how Catholics believe that the bread and wine used in Communion during mass actually are the embodiment of Christ.  How Lutherans believe that the crackers and juice transform into Christ somehow during Communion.  How Baptists believe that the elements of Communion are tokens of remembrance.  How for all of us, Communion is a time to actually meet Jesus.

I have to confess:  I don't get it.

I know that's not the "right" reaction, and it's a reaction that would probably surprise many of my closest friends.  But it's true -- I just don't really understand Communion.  The only thing I really "get" about Communion is that we do it out of obedience to Christ, who commanded us in His Word to "do this in remembrance of me."  And I understand that it's a time to remember Jesus's sacrifice on the cross and how He died even though He was perfect, so that every soul ever to be created could have a chance to be in relationship with His Father.  But beyond that?  I don't see how I'm "meeting Jesus" through this spiritual rite.

I wish I understood the significance.  Or perhaps a better way to put it is that I wish I felt the significance.  But I don't, at least not yet.  I do hope that through my life, God will see fit to find a way to teach me what Communion means to Him, and that I'd understand it better, so that it would be less of a follow-the-leader, do-as-you're-told sort of ritual, and more of a meaningful, spiritual experience - Communion in the truest sense of the word.

In the meantime, I find that I commune best with God when I'm out in nature, hearing birds call back and forth to one another in the trees (which I had the privilege of doing today here in our special, calm, and quiet part of the City).  Or when I see an act of selfless kindness that reflects Christ Himself.  Or when I'm alone and praying on a sunny morning, warm light warming my face.  Or when I'm with a friend (or Mr. Squire), praying together and laying requests at God's feet.  Or when I have occasion to rejoice at the news of another soul coming to know Christ as Savior.  Those are the times when I feel closest to God, when I most strongly feel the reality of His presence.  And there are plenty of such moments, bestowed by a generous God who knows every need and want.

Still, one day... I'd like to understand Communion -- as in, the kind we do in church.  I have a hunch that I'll be old and gray by that time (more gray than now, anyway...already have a colony of hairs growing near my prefrontal cortex).  But hopefully it won't take too long. 

Turning Thirty

This week, I turned thirty.  And it was awesome.

Mind you, the birthday itself wasn't completely awesome:  it was my toughest day of the workweek, which started with working while at the gym at 6:45, and ended with me skipping church community group (sadly I confess) to clock in extra time at work late into the evening.  And there were a couple moments in the day when I thought the stress would make me break down and cry.  So...those parts weren't really awesome.

Oh, but everything else was:

Sunshine and a blue sky on my way to the train in the morning, a welcome change from the rainy and gloomy days that had preceded it.  

A surprise phone call from my dad, being his usual goofy self.  

Flowers, one of my favorite cakes (double-layer red velvet with cheesecake in the middle - yes, you read that right, and YES, it is spectacular), and a sweet card filled with loving musings from Mr. Squire ("I love reflecting, praying, and just being with you.").  

More flowers, a bright smile, and an assortment of uber-delicious cookies from no fewer than three top bakeries in the City from my sweet coworker, with whom I've built the beginnings of a strong friendship over the last four months since we last started together.  

Text messages and emails from friends across the country and across the world.  

About a hundred Facebook wall posts (that birthday function really greases the wheels of long-distance friendship) from childhood friends, high-school friends, college friends, law school friends, church friends, ... people from all different phases of my life.  Love coming from so many different directions is powerful.  

Then, in the midst of my uber-stressful evening at work, a surprise Facetime call from Big Brother and Big Sister and their daughter, my adorable niece.  Every time I see her on Facetime, she looks different and has a newly expanded vocabulary.  Today, she actually was able to wish me a happy birthday! I was so delighted. And when Big Brother and Big Sister asked her how old Abi (that's me) was, she confidently declared, "Two."  Hilarious, and a turnaround point for the evening.

And perhaps dearest to my heart, in a way, two emails with affirming words: one from my mother, speaking of my compassion for others, and one from my small group leader, speaking of my wisdom.  I believe that if I could only ask for two virtues, compassion and wisdom are the two I would choose, and it was powerful and humbling to receive such encouraging words from women I love.  In a way, I felt God affirming that He is completing His work in me; I am a work in progress, unfinished and with so much left to go, but I am in progress - I am going somewhere by His grace.  Praise God.

* * *

I'm not sure why so many people approach 30 with a doomsday mentality.  I'm really excited to enter my 30s, and I look forward to them with great anticipation.  

My 20s were filled with so much uncertainty:  what grades will I pull in college?  What exactly are my hobbies? Who are my real friends?  Where should I live?  Will I really get to become a lawyer?  What do I do now that I'm a lawyer?  Will I get married?  Who will I marry?  Who is my community?  Where does God want me to serve?  What does He want me to be?

But as the years passed, more and more of those uncertainties were resolved as God poured down one blessing after another:

My parents' long-tumultuous relationship finally (miraculously) harmonized.  My relationship with Big Brother - and later Big Sister - slowly underwent renovation and restoration.

I graduated well from college, and graduated from law school.  During law school, I made life-changing friendships in the Christian Fellowship and grew in the love and light of my first real tight-knit Christian community.

Discovered my hobbies:  reading fascinating non-fiction.  Baking.  Walking.  Photography.  Puppets and soft toys.  Eating hot carbs.   (just kidding...well, kind only kind of kidding).

I spent several years doing interesting work in BigLaw.  Clerked.  Found a wonderful litigation boutique to call home.

Moved from apartment to apartment to apartment, and each one had bigger windows and more trees than the previous one (and therefore, life got better).

Met Mr. Squire.  Need I say more?  Life is awesome when you're married to your best friend.

Got to know Jesus better... I went through deep, deep valleys - particularly at age 24 and again last year - but God always reached down.  I was always in His grasp.  And He always eventually lifted me up.  I also learned what my spiritual gifts are, and felt God begin to use them in me to bless and serve others. 

Settled into a wonderful church community in the City - a group of brothers and sisters who truly form a body and demonstrate genuine love for one another and for Christ.  For the first two years, I constantly toyed with leaving the community, and now the thought of leaving them (which I'm sure will be inevitable within the next couple years) is heartbreaking.

... so many blessings between 20 and 30.  How can I not be excited about what more lies ahead?  Life for me has been an uphill battle:  constant work, and in a way, a constant struggle... but everything gets and looks better and better as time - and the climb - goes on.