Recent Lessons

I've been doing a lot of worrying lately (what's new?), but let me pause for a second and instead of blogging about my worries...let me try to blog about what I think God has been teaching me lately.  I do need more of the listening/reflecting aspect in my life and a bit less of the fretting/talking bit.  Here are some thoughts, in no particular order:

• There is a point to all of this.  As much as I (for the most part) enjoy my job, particularly these days when it's not crazy, I often don't understand the point of being at my firm.  I often wonder when it will all make sense...and what that will look like.  But occasionally God gives me small, encouraging glimpses of parts of His purpose for my being there.... Like when I am able to be a good sounding board for TV or be there to offer her non-worldly advice.  Like when learn good litigation skills that will come in handy...when and for what purpose in the future? Not sure, but it feels right.  Like when, through the funky recruiting process, I have a chance to make some peace with a former co-worker.... the little pieces of shattered glass start to form a picture.  It's still a total, million-piece jigsaw to me.  But seeing parts of the picture--however small--is encouraging.

• I tend to think of myself as a good wife.  I adore Mr. Squire, laugh at all his jokes, pray for him constantly, worry about his health, speak truth to him in love, cook and clean and feed... but lately God has been showing me the little ways in which I demonstrate selfishness and put myself first in our relationship:  when I tuck my cold toes on the inside of his knee and half-jokingly call him my "personal toe warmer"; when I pile lots of dishes in the sink and don't do the dishes in the morning even though I have time to; when I schedule stuff with friends on the weekend without a second thought but then get (occasionally) upset when he keeps leaving me to play football on Saturdays; when I keep reading with the light on even after he has gone to sleep because I'm not sleepy yet and I really want to read in bed... I mean...none of these things are a huge deal.  But they are little ways in which I take advantage of Mr. Squire's easygoing, giving, and servant-hearted nature.  One thing I need to realize is this: just because he doesn't complain about it (or even think to) doesn't mean that I shouldn't think twice about doing it.

• God's my boss.  I know I mentioned this before, but... it bears mentioning again because it's an ongoing lesson for me.  I have to remind myself day after day that I serve--and should therefore fear--God, not man.  This means that a partner's praise shouldn't send my spirits soaring, nor should a partner's perceived displeasure sink me into the depths.  I'm allowed to have feelings, of course, but... ultimately, I serve at God's pleasure, and that should dictate my responses to all the stuff that happens inbetween.

• Last one:  God holds the future.  90% of my worries have to do with the future.  What job will Mr. Squire transition to?  When will we have kids?  Will we have kids?  Where should we move to?  Should I stay at this firm? When should I leave?  What should I go do?  Will I be qualified?  Am I getting the right experiences now?  If I left to do something that would enable me to spend more time with my family, would I be committing career-suicide?  Even if I did, would it matter?  What happened to my calling? Am I getting this wrong? Am I getting it right? How do I know?  Is God pleased?  What really matters? ... and in the end, one verse from Isaiah 26 keeps coming back to me:  "All that we have accomplished, You have done for us."  That is, all that we have--EVERYTHING--comes from God.  Not a thing in my life has been accomplished on my own or without God's blessing and enabling.  Same goes for the future... He will accomplish it all.  Somehow, that makes me feel very safe.

On Redemption

Every spring, I look forward to seeing this vine of flowering quince bloom on the iron fence of a brownstone along a cobblestone road in our neighborhood.  It is just so beautiful, with its mix of whites and pinks and magentas.  And it says that spring has come, that life has returned from the dead of winter. (Mind you, I like winter a lot, too.  But I like the magic of spring.)

What the flowering quince says to me about the renewal of life in nature, a man named Danny said to me about the renewal of life in mankind last night at an event hosted by Hudson Link for Higher Education.

I first became aware of Hudson Link during my clerkship, when I attended a brownbag at the courthouse, where they screened "Zero Percent," a documentary about how college programs in prisons here in New York are turning lives around--resulting in a zero percent recidivism rate among men and women who graduate from college in prison, and eventually leave prison after finishing their time.  Following the screening, I had a long conversation with Hudson Link's founder, Sean Pica (who himself earned his college degree while serving more than 16 years in prison), who invited Mr. Squire and me to attend the upcoming college graduation at Sing Sing, a maximum-security prison north of the City.

Our trip to Sing Sing is another story for another time, but in a short:  it was moving, uplifting, and life-affirming.  And it made me believe in this program fully.  So, I've kept in touch with the Hudson Link folks, and last night I attended a spring kickoff event that the Board's Young Professional Network hosted.  There, I met Danny.  Danny served 22 years in prison and was released 16 months ago. Since that time, he's been working as a life coach and personal companion of sorts to a retired Citibank executive, helping him to relearn skills and hobbies that he used to enjoy before sustaining a head injury after a fall.  Danny shared about his gradual transformation, from selling drugs even within prison walls, to turning his back on that lifestyle entirely, and pursuing higher education and a law-abiding life instead.  He now serves on the Board of Hudson Link and runs the alumni network for all Hudson Link graduates who have since left prison and carried on with their lives.  

Danny has lived multiple lives already.  He's seen so much, and yet... he is a brand new person now.  I was so encouraged. 

This is exactly the type of thing that the church should get behind, I think.  I don't think it's right to ask the government to fund prison college programs, when so much money is already poured into the criminal justice system--and let's face it, these people have committed crimes that have damaged society.  Whatever dollars the government has for education should go to kids, not felons. But, that having been said, the church should be carrying this burden because this type of program does save lives.  And indeed, it speaks in volumes about redemption and what that really looks like.  We who are sinners saved by grace should be the first to help others who have screwed up their lives, should we not?

I'm excited for more opportunities to get involved in the future, as such opportunities arise.  But for now...spring...redemption...grace. These are the things filling my mind today.

Thoughts on the Week

What a week.  First, the bombing.  Three dead, hundreds injured.  Then, the chase, riddled with bullets and sparking a city-wide lockdown.  Another fatality.  And then one suspect dead, and the other apprehended but clinging to life.  

Throughout the week, TV would wander into my office, glum in the face and down in her heart.  She kept waiting for the week to end, and asked me more than a few times how things like this could happen.  And, more importantly, why did they happen?

I told her that the world is broken, which means that it is filled with heartache and needless suffering.  It means that we confront deep sorrows without satisfactory explanations as to cause or reason.  This is, of course, not the way we were meant to live, and this is not the way the world was supposed to be.  But it is what we have for now, and one day all will be made new.  All will be made right.  God will renew the earth, and bring it back to life.  So amidst the madness, there is hope.

I don't think she believed me.  And that makes me sad, because ... I put myself in her shoes:  and how depressing would it be to live without hope of better things to come?  To not know that an all-powerful being IS in control, and He defines love itself, and all goodness flows from Him, and one day, He will exact justice on the world and truly draw order out of moral chaos, breathe life into the dead, hit the restart button and recover and restore the world?  Having to live without that hope would be bitter indeed.  How do we bring others into the fold, though?  I suppose only God can change hearts.  May He change hers...and continually change ours.

* * *

In other news, Mr. Squire has officially decided to quit teaching.  After four years in the trenches of public schools in inner-city Boston and Brooklyn, he'll be closing the classroom doors and walking away.  It makes me sad.  It makes me approach God with a voice of both curiosity and concern:  What is going on here, Lord?  I thought You had called Mr. Squire to this, and not just for a brief season, but for life.  Did we hear Your voice wrong? Or are we being disobedient?

More and more, I'm convinced that we are not presently being disobedient by turning away from teaching.  This teaching thing has taken such a toll on Mr. Squire, emotionally and physically.  He has gotten sick so many times these past four years.  And he is a totally different person during the school year, laden with burdens, perpetually exhausted, listless and often difficult to communicate with after a school day.  Sometimes I find him at home, just staring into space.  It's really sad.  And it has been a heavy burden for me to bear as well, because after working my own long day at work, I come home and continue working to bolster his spirits, get him to talk, get him to let out some of his feelings...and it's an uphill battle, every single day.  We have covered this decision in so much prayer, and... again, it makes me so sad to think that he will not be teaching anymore, but... I can't imagine that the prior existence was really what God would have called us to.

I'm not sure what lies ahead.  That is also scary.  What next?  Mr. Squire will be entering his third career at the age of 29.  I know that's not entirely uncommon in our generation, but the uncertainty is challenging.  We continue to pray.  If nothing else, all of this has certainly enhanced our prayer life and our overall posture of constantly looking to Jesus for direction.

Forty Pounds of Rice Ago....

Forty pounds of rice ago, Mr. Squire and I began our married life together.  And every moment--and bite of rice--has been awesome.  Marriage is a great gift from God.  

On to the next forty pounds (of rice)!

Eat, Drink, and Be Merry

My terrible struggle with allergies aside, today was pretty much a perfect Saturday.  I woke up after a satisfying night of sleep, then read in bed next to Mr. Squire as the sun streamed in through our huge windows (our humble, 350-square-foot apartment has its virtues).  I love to read, and I love that Mr. Squire loves to read.  And I love reading together, burrowed down in our bed, with a couple stuffed animals in tow.  :)  Extra points when the sun is shining and filling our room with light.  During such moments, even Mr. Squire's untamed piles (which are pictured in part here...sigh) cannot vex me.

I paid a visit to the dentist, where the folks are very kind and obliging and efficient, read an encouraging email while waiting (thanks so much, Christina G.!), and headed to my weekly mentoring session.  I found out that my mentee was nominated for the Posse Program this past week, which puts her in the running for a full scholarship to any of a number of colleges when she applies next year.  I'm so proud of her.  She's come a long way since her childhood in war-torn Kosovo.  

After mentoring, came home to find Mr. Squire out playing basketball.  I was so happy to see that he was strong enough to be out there running around, and he came back excited about the guys he had played ball with.  I love hearing his stories from the neighborhood court:  he plays with a mix of our neighbors--Arabs, some African Americans, and some white guys--and I love how the basketball court is an equalizer and race-neutral, class-neutral zone for them.  Wish there were more such spaces and meeting points in our society...

We walked across the Brooklyn Bridge and into Chinatown after that.  It was a beautiful day to be out, the sun glittered across the water, and we looked over at the piers to see progress being made on Brooklyn Bridge Park (the piers closest to us already have turf fields and sand volleyball courts, and we're excited to see what the other piers will bring).  As we strolled, we talked more about our future, where we may want to move, why we want to have children, and just catching up in general.  I love how our marriage is just one big long conversation, winding in and out from topic to topic.  It never gets boring.  I feel so blessed.  

We saw signs of spring everywhere (such as the tulips pictured above, which adorned the SDNY gate entrance).  God makes all things new all the time--spiritually and physically.

Dinner was delicious abundance from Congee, and we had a blast picking our way through the produce on Canal Street (we snagged about 8 pounds of grapes at 50 cents a pound, plus strawberries at a dollar a pound!).  And now we're home, and I'm baking cookies before bed.  Eat, drink, and be merry--for tomorrow we die.  The Lord has always been very good to us, and on days like today, we feel His generosity most acutely.  Thank You, Lord.

Thankful for Mommy

This evening, as I was walking home from the train, I got caught in a terrible downpour of rain (it could have been worse, but I was pretty darn soaked by the time I got home, much to the semi-amusement of my neighbors...I think Ghizlan just missed me, but Salah watched me on the home stretch from under his awning and grinned), and all the while, I was semi-whining, semi-wailig to my parents on the phone.  Poor parents. 

Mr. Squire greeted me at the door, in my drippy and frazzled state.  He had called--a few minutes too late--to offer to walk me from the subway with an umbrella.  Oops.

Anyway, he tried to appease me by holding out a USPS package and saying, "I got something for you!"  but I knew better... that was a package from my mom!

And inside, I found:

-one package of dry mix for Red Lobster cheddar bay biscuits, which she has tested and liked

-one package of dried persimmon slices

-one big bag of El Milagro tortilla chips -- our favorites.  Seriously, though...she SHIPPED a bag of tortilla chips to us!

-best of all, a "Thinking of you and praying too" card, bearing three Bible verses (Isaiah 29:16, Psalm 34:4, Psalm 143:8), all written in her usual hand.  She had written the card when I was going through a particularly tough time at work, and she knew that "Mom's words are not as comforting, wise, [or] eloquent as God's at a time like this.... [but] Mommy, who walked close by you on your journey, is fully aware of how you feel now."  

And the thing of it is:  she does this ALL the time.  She sends us packages with all sorts of treats (one time it was different nougats from around the world, one time it was all sorts of dried fruits, sometimes it's my favorite candies and teas, other times it's pressed pennies that she has accumulated for me, and treats she wants me to try).  And she always sends cards bearing the words of God, and encouragement from the Greatest Source of Encouragement of all.  Mommy truly points me to God all the time, and I'm sure I won't appreciate her enough until she's gone.

But...let's try not to let that happen. I need to appreciate her fully now...and I do.  Thank You, Lord, for my mother.  And when I'm a mom, may I point my children to You just as Mommy does that for me.

Failure to Launch

Last night, Mr. Squire and I had a long talk about our work futures--well, mostly his work future.  He has decided, after many weeks of our praying and straining to listen for cues, that he will not return to teach next year.  This isn't what I had been hoping for, but it certainly didn't come as a surprise.  And I support him fully in this decision:  it is the product of much prayer and thought, and as much as I'd like to see Mr. Squire go back for just one more year to round it out to five years of teaching and more importantly, to see his kids graduate eighth grade, I more or less agree that one more year of teaching will adversely affect Mr. Squire's health and well-being.

Still, it makes me sad.  And it makes me wonder a lot about our lives:  what is God doing?  What is He up to?  He runs our lives, and that ought to (and sometimes does) bring us much comfort... and yet... right now, a lot of things just don't make sense.

Our bedroom wall bears a laminated set of posters that comprise a mock New York Times article that I wrote about us (in movie review format) after our first year of dating.  In introducing the main characters, I described Mr. Squire as a cog in the finance industry who was leaving finance to become a teacher in the inner-city.  I described myself as someone whose primary passions are criminal justice and compassion.  That is indeed who we were four years ago.  And at the time, we were both on a certain trajectory, preparing and aiming to launch into the social-justice skies that we felt God calling us to.  

Not sure what has happened since then.  The image that comes to mind (seriously, no desire to be political about this, it's just really the first image that comes to mind) is North Korea's 2012 missile, which was launched with great expectation, and instead landed in the sea.  We are left to wonder what our Commander-in-Chief has in mind, and to what end all of these events have taken place.  Mr. Squire struggles with this less: he understands it as God calling him to education in the inner city for a season...and finding that that season is coming to an end.  He doesn't know what lies ahead, but he trusts that God will work it all out.  And while he doesn't understand the change in seasons--or even the point of going through this last season--he doesn't question it so much...

Not the way I do, anyway.  All of this always makes me wonder, makes me second-guess myself and my sense of who Jesus is and what God wants from me.  Have I been listening all along?  Or have we been deluded?  Have we dreamed up our own plans?  How could the path be so non-linear?  Professionally I am not where I expected to be at this time in my career, nor do I see a predictable future.  It all looks murky, and foreign.  That scares me.  Not that I'm not in a good place, because I am.  This current working environment is the best I've been in since my college interning days, and I am so grateful.  But substantive-work-wise, this is not what I expected to be doing.

So we continue to journey, not knowing what lies ahead, not seeing what awaits around the corner.  It's an uncomfortable position, particularly given my type-A sensibilities.  But I have been asking God to help me learn what it means to trust Jesus...and at the very least, I can see that He is answering that prayer.