What a Week!

I'd been working on a blogpost to close out my maternity leave (which I will still post), but in the immediate term, things are not quite so rosy. Last week, a spill of water fried one of our laptops, leaving us with only one (boohoo, I know--first-world problems). And over a week ago, our furnace stopped functioning properly. It turns on and off, but never reaches its target temperature. So, as the outside got colder and colder (late last week was the coldest of the winter) our

apartment temperature kept dropping, dipping as low as the

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mid-fifties. Totally unsafe for Junior, who is only several months

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old.  So we fled our apartment to Uncle Squire's house at 3 in the

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morning.

We are back here now even though the heat still isn't back. It was

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hard to nurse and keep

​J​

unior calm in the new environment

​ of Uncle Squire's home (too many fun gadgets and cats to look at!)​

. So we have

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spent the last couple days holed up in her small room with a space

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heater, 24/7. We picnic on the floor and spend the rest of the day on

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the bed or pacing the small room. Quite the

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experience.

Still, we find our joys.

​ For example, s​

he is currently snuggled against me for her

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morning nap and it is awesome.

Dear Junior

Dear Junior,

Mommy can't sleep right now, so I thought I would write you a little letter.  It is 2:30 in the morning, so the thoughts are in no particular order.

I am thankful for each of your little smiles, which have been much more numerous these past few days.  Did Mommy suddenly become funnier?  Or did God just know Mommy needed some encouragement?  In any event, from your sweet shy smiles to your unabashed grins (in which your tongue peeks out from between your lips -- so cute!), your smiles light up the world.  When you smile, I pretty much don't need anything else.

Tomato Head.  The last couple days, you have also become Tomato Head a couple times.  That is, you cried so hard that you turned all red in the face.  Your eyes scrunch up, your nose wrinkles, and your mouth forms that huge upside-down kidney-bean shape. Much like the cartoons, actually.  And little one, you are LOUD.  I think it's the growth spurt that made you so fussy, because you're not usually like that.  You usually calm down well before the Tomato Head stage.  But it's okay.  We love you all the same.  And in a very odd way, your Tomato Head look is strangely cute.  I can't explain it, but even when you're in that state, Mommy and Daddy still think you're the cutest thing ever.

Mommy and Daddy are reading up on discipline.  I've been enjoying these first several months, when you can do no wrong and I don't have to worry about things like defiance or disobedience.  These days will come to an end before we know it, though, and then the *really* hard work of parenting will begin.  God help us!  And indeed, we are seeking Him, for only He can help us shepherd your heart toward Him.

Mommy goes back to work in three weeks.  You, Mommy, and Daddy have had 12 weeks together so far.  We have been so lucky to be at home, full-time, together as a family.  You won't consciously remember this time, but hopefully somewhere--deep down in your soul--you will have a foundation of deep security and peace cultivated during these first weeks of your life.  Your first weeks of life were filled with an abundance of love, attention, and care from both of your parents.  I wish all kids were so lucky.  God blessed you, little one.  Go forth and bless others.

Speaking of Daddy, he is so much fun! You bring out even more of the best in him -- his fun, his humor, his patience, his devotion.  I often think that perhaps my greatest gift to you is your dad.

I actually have been sharing my stuffies with you during our times together in the "Magical Room" (i.e. Mommy and Daddy's bedroom, which is currently acting as a spare since we sleep in your room).  Anyone who knows me knows how amazing this is.  Guess I really do love you THAT much.  :)

This morning, we pulled you into the big bed in your room to sleep between Mommy and Daddy. Usually Daddy watches you, but he had a bad night of sleep last night (much as I am having now -- it is 2:45 AM and I still can't fall asleep), so I watched you.  You were still in your ducky bag, and you faced me and we held hands for a while as you slept.  Then you kept moving around... inching ever closer and closer toward me until your entire face was pressed up against my arm. And we slept like that for a good hour.  It was so snuggly and nice.  I wish I could have bottled up that hour and saved it forever.  I love you, sweet Bathands. 

That's all for tonight...you'll be up in about an hour to nurse, so Mommy should maybe try to get at least some sleep. We have a long day tomorrow.  But we'll be good, because we'll be doing it together.  Sometimes Mommy still can't believe that she gets to keep you.  You, Daddy, and me are family forever, little one.  How could God be so good to me??

Love,

Mommy

More Growing Pains

Yesterday I finally broke down.  

There was Junior, "standing up" on Daddy's lap, as Daddy did his usual thing:  "You're a conifer, just minding your own business. But it's Christmas time! So out of nowhere, bzzzzz! bzzzz! bzzzzzz! Chop chop chop chop chop.... TIMMM-BERRRRRRRR!!!!" And down Junior "timbered" onto Daddy's shoulder, flashing a joyful smile on the way down.  Daddy is so much fun.  

Several weeks ago, Junior started to recognize my face.  And for a while, every day after her 7am feeding, she sat up on my lap, brightened as she recognized my face (I could see the pieces clicking together in her brain), and smiled the sweetest smile.  And some days I would even get these soft little coos.  I love you, Mommy, she seemed to be saying.  I love you, too, Bathands, I would reply with endless delight.

Recently, though, Mommy hasn't been getting those smiles... nor has she heard many coos.  Daddy, in the meantime, gets smile after smile after smile.  And Mommy's heart has been breaking into a bunch of pieces.  Yesterday I cried for several hours over worry, sadness, disappointment, and frustration.  I'm the one who nurses her throughout the day--and night.  I'm the one who is the master at rocking her to sleep during naps.  I'm the one who is her mom!  And if she stopped recognizing my face now--when I am still home full-time--what would happen upon my return to work??  I was heartbroken.

Everything came to a head yesterday, but I had been feeling the mounting anxieties for some time.  I took some time by myself to reflect in the deep cold yesterday evening, and to spend some time with God, asking Him for help.  I didn't want my baby girl to know her mommy was hurting.  I didn't want her to know I was disappointed and worried.  That's not her burden to bear.  But I needed a way forward.

I don't have much of an epiphany following my reflection.  I wish I did, but I don't.  Mr. Squire has been very encouraging, but this is an issue I probably need to work through by myself -- it arises in large part from a bunch of my own baggage from my own upbringing.  The only thing I know is that I want to continue to protect Junior, and I just need to keep going, showering her with love and letting that be enough.  Mr. Squire insists that she loves me, and will continue to love me, throughout her life.  And he is convinced that she recognizes me and delights in me -- maybe I just don't see it all the time?  (As a side note, she did give me an inordinate number of smiles today--perhaps to make up for the last while?)

The thing I did gain from my reflection, though, was pondering God's heartbreak when I don't turn to Him with delight, when I don't recognize Him as my Father -- as the one who cares for me and protects me and loves me.  Having experienced the pain of perceived distance from my child, I had to repent of the many, many, MANY times I have turned to others before God for the things that He alone can provide as the Holy Father.  I had a renewed appreciation for God's desire not just for my trust (see previous post) but also my delight and love and affection -- and at least, last night, I responded by turning to Him for comfort and love in the shadows.