It's Not 18 Days to Go

At the end of my last post, I said we had 18 days to go. 

I now realize...that's not going to be the case.  We have many, many more days to go.  On Thursday night, we slept in our apartment for the first time in two weeks when Mr. Squire got back from a five-day trip to Denver and I got back from a five-day trip to Richmond.  Neither of us got a lot of sleep because we kept feeling things crawling over us.  Every fifteen minutes, between midnight and 2am, Mr. Squire turned on the light and checked the corners of the bed -- to find at least one or two bugsies crawling toward us.  He killed 18 bugs that night.  We barely got any sleep.

18 bugs after the first treatment means that the number of original bugs was probably well into the several hundreds.  That's going to take more than a little time to cure. We're not going to be able to unpack on August 30 as I had planned.  This very well may take another 2 months--or more.  For those of you keeping track, that means we may not be out of this mess before Junior's due date--and that's if she waits that long to come.  

I really don't know what to do.  I have a trial that begins in exactly three weeks.  I have a child who is due to come in fewer than eleven weeks.  I have an apartment in the sense of four walls.  And  admittedly, I have a bunch of stuff in it.  But I can't access it, there are no shelves, the closets are empty, the couch is overturned, everything is in bags and bins, and ... I have a pit in my stomach just thinking about our future.  People keep telling me there will be an end.  Of course I know that must be true.  But it doesn't feel real to me right now.  The end feels so far away.  It feels so unachievable.  It feels incredibly out of reach.

It's not a guarantee that we won't be able to resolve this before Junior comes.  Lord, please please please make this go away in time for us to be able to create an actual home.  But it's also not a guarantee that we WILL be able to resolve this before she comes.  And my 4.5-month maternity leave looks more and more bleak.  Thankfully, we do have options. I think the first option is just to live with my in-laws for a while.  But... honestly, it had not been my hope or desire to live with anyone except for my husband and child--much less in someone else's house--during the already stressful experience of having my first child.  I know I sound like a brat for complaining, when I have a place to go and a loving family to help us out.  So I'll stop there.

My eye has been twitching for several weeks now, and I know it's because I'm really, really stressed. I had the worst week of work maybe in my entire career this last week.  Every week, I think the next week will be better -- and then it isn't.  It just brings more problems of a different variety.  And people keep reminding me that my feeling stressed isn't good for Junior.

I'm not sure what to do about that.  I mean -- is it really realistic to expect me to just ... be unaffected by all of this, so that my unborn child can be healthy?  If someone can please teach me how to compartmentalize like that, I'd really like to learn.  That would be a life skill that could help me in many ways.  I just don't think it's that easy. 

At the same time... I get it.  Life happens.  Crap happens.  Over the last few weeks, boy have I seen -- over and over -- that crap happens.  And I just need to find a way to deal with it.  Just wish I knew how.