Hi baby, good morning, my little duckie. It's time to eat again... yay, your milk just came in! It's because I heard you cry. And I saw you. It is still amazing to me how this whole breastfeeding thing works. And I am so thankful that we've gotten the hang of it now -- nothing hurts anymore, and I can totally tell when you are eating happily. I'm a little concerned about my milk supply, though... seems I have less milk for you these days -- are you hungry? Would you tell me if you weren't getting enough?
Then again, you're getting heavier! And you are so long. And you have enough wet diapers each day...you're probably okay. But I'm always worried about whether you are hungry.
I'm also worried about whether you're happy. The only time I really know you are happy is when you smile. When you smile, it's the best thing in the world. It makes everything seem right. It's one of my favorite things about motherhood -- seeing my baby Bathands smile.
Other favorite things about motherhood are --
All of our snuggles. Lots of snuggles: feeding snuggles, storytime snuggles, bedtime snuggles, bathtime snuggles, anytime snuggles. You'll only be snuggly for so long... I love snuggling with my baby girl.
I also love successfully getting you to sleep. It can be frustrating and tiring in the process, especially since I'm so concerned about you getting enough sleep each day (and these days, you're not getting enough, it seems - because it takes so long to get you to nap and stay down). But when I successfully rock or ergo you into sleep, it feels like a tremendous accomplishment.
I love examining your little face, your little hands, your little feet. I was never fascinated by little baby bodies before, but I could stare at you for a long time and not get bored. You are a wonderfully adorable little creature, and your little fingers and super-soft soles of your feet are the best. I also love your eyes. They are so clear, just like your daddy's eyes. Hopefully that means you'll have some of his childlike innocence into adulthood too.
I love when you look into my eyes and track my movements, and when you coo at me, trying to respond to my questions. Again -- best thing in the world. I could do it for hours and not tire of it. Wish I could bottle up your little coos and save them forever.
So there are all these wonderful things about motherhood. There are some tough things, too, though... I know I've only been a mom for a few weeks, but certain difficulties are becoming more apparent. For instance:
I worry about you all the time. Is she healthy? Is she happy? Is she hungry? Is she learning enough? Are we teaching her well? What about discipline? Is she feeling loved? (That's a big one -- probably one of my biggest anxieties: does she feel loved and secure and safe?) Is she getting enough attention from me? What will she do when I return to work? Will the nanny love her? Will she love the nanny more than she loves me? :( Maybe I should quit my job, or do something else?
I'm a little bit of a control freak--but I'm not really in control. You need x hours of napping a day, or else I get really worried and stressed out. We've been totally shirking on your tummy time -- because you don't like it and I don't like seeing you cry and struggle so much. But then I worry about whether we are failing to teach you perseverance and fortitude (but isn't it a little early for that?). And I worry that you'll suffer developmentally as a result. I worry about the number of minutes that you're feeding all day (particularly when you nurse under 3 hours a day), and whether you're getting enough nutrients. I worry about your spitup and why you're suddenly spitting up after every feeding (is it because Daddy is away?). I worry about you scratching your eyes, and the fact that you won't keep your little bathands away from your eyes, and I can't really do much about it. I worry about you sucking your hands all the time -- why do you need to soothe yourself when Mommy is right here? Why am I not enough?
Then there are the things that I don't want to admit...like...the fact that I get frustrated when you want to eat when I want to eat. So you eat first, and then I eat an hour later when you're done. Or that I end up wolfing down every meal so that I can return to taking care of you... and as a result, I haven't gotten to really enjoy a meal in quite some time. And it's really hard to find time to do things that I want to do -- like go to the gym so I can shed those last ten pounds. You won't take the bottle, so my windows of time are between 1 and 2 hours long, but I never really know what it's going to be. And I can only nap after you've had your naps, which means I'm perpetually in a state of sleep deprivation. This is exacerbated by the fact that I struggle to trust other people with getting you to nap. This is in part, I think, because only your father and I have the patience to do the things that it takes to get you to nap (like rocking back and forth, chanting "Time to nap, time to sleep," for 30-45 minutes at a time). It's also a function of the fact that I don't get enough sleep at night because I'm still only ever getting one 3-hour chunk at the beginning, followed by a 2-hour chunk (if I'm lucky). It's different for Daddy because he gets to sleep through all the night feedings -- and sometimes I resent the fact that we're not "even" in this respect. Lame, I know... I realize that in this last paragraph, these are just some of the byproducts of being a mom. And the fact that it's difficult for me is just part of the maturation process (I still need to grow up). But those are my growing pains, sad to say. I wish I could be more naturally selfless, but it's taking some time to learn.
Finally, there are my longer-term anxieties: will you accept the Gospel truth and build a relationship with Christ, and follow God all your life? Or will you rebel and reject the truth, to your detriment and suffering? Will we have a good relationship throughout your life? Will I screw up as a parent in any irredeemable way(s)? What will your talents be, and how will you use them? Will I give you freedom to pursue your dreams? Will you dream reasonable, attainable dreams? Will you have good friends? Will you grow up to have your own wonderful family and your own little bathands to love and treasure? Will something awful happen to you during your life? Obviously, these are things I should really just put into God's hands...but it's not so easy all the time...still learning what it means to surrender.
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