Dear Junior: Trucking Along

My dear Junior,

You and I had a good day today.  You woke up around 5:45 to nurse, and we let you remain in bed with us because you were tired and going to go back to sleep -- or so we thought.  You ended up smacking Mommy in the face a few times with your little bat hand, and pulling her hair a lot. You do tend to do that with some frequency these days.  I know you don't do it on purpose, and it's all part of your exploratory phase (which at other times we observe with great amusement as your adorable tongue explores all manners of everything, although your current favorites include plastic cups and an empty Tropicana bottle of OJ).  So I embrace it -- I fully embrace you, my little one.

We went to Target and bought your first dinner plates and bowls, in preparation for our venture into feeding you solids in the very near future.  I had a choice between pink owl plates or blue monster plates.  The owls were okay, but the monsters were super-cute.  I know the owls are meant for girls and the monsters are for boys, but...you got monster dinnerware.  (I also bought monster sheets for you a while ago.)  I hope you like it.

Speaking of food, we tried to feed you a bit of avocado today, but you didn't go for it.  I bet if we tried to give you water, though, you'd love it. Every time Daddy or I take a drink of water from a glass, your eyes and head follow with eager and rapt fascination.  

I took you on a long walk by the river -- one of my favorite things to do with you.  Along the way, I pointed out all of the many helicopters who passed overhead, helped you greet the Canadian geese, and prayed with you to thank God for the many blessings He has given to you.  On the way back, I tickled your feet and you gave me the cutest and broadest and squintiest grin -- over and over and over.  It was awesome.  

You bring us so. Much. Joy.  

You sneeze and have this little after-sound that you make, like a tiny murmur.  And it is adorable.  

You nap and look so peaceful. And adorable.  

We put you down to sleep at night and you kick and bat around in your crib, turning yourself around in circles, and scooting yourself into tight corners and getting your feet stuck in the slats.  Pretty adorable.

And last night at women's group, you fell asleep in my arms for the first time in months, and I loved every moment of it.  Yes, you're really heavy now, and my arms were completely hurting.  And yes, I was standing and swaying because you didn't want to let me sit.  But then I looked down at your little face and I just felt so lucky.  So thankful to be your mommy.

The job applications are still...just going. I've applied to 18 positions by now, and Daddy and I are expanding our search to a wider and wider geography, even though we really don't want to move.  I can't bear to think of leaving our church community, and Daddy's family.  So...mostly I don't think about it much.  I just try to pray a lot, and remind myself to trust God. 

It's not easy to not be anxious... and a lot of times I am anxious. But I am also trying to learn to trust God day by day -- just ask Him for enough energy/time/patience/strength/hope to get through that one day--and truly let tomorrow take care of itself.  

I am also trying to remind myself of all the many times God has totally come through for me, in many different areas of life. There is no reason to doubt Him now.  

And I am also trying to remember that God loves us...oh, how He loves us, oh how He loves us, how He loves us, oh.  I sang that to you a lot today.  I reflect on how much I love you (as imperfectly as I do), and I must remember God loves ME that way -- and so much better.  And what a rich thought that is!  I don't think you know the half of how much Daddy and I love you.  And to think that God loves us infinitely MORE... it is truly a tremendous thought, and one that washes my fears away, in the moment that I truly remember it.

And I am trying to enjoy the time I have with you, when I have it.  Today I was lucky and didn't have to work more than an hour and a half.  And I reveled in the rest of the day with you.  (And then I applied for more jobs when you went to sleep.)  All of this will work out in the end... we just need to keep trucking...and trusting.

I love you, my little.  And I'm "working my way back to you, babe" (the song that always comes to mind when I work on my job apps) -- I'm working my way back to time with you, more time with you... Mommy's working on it.  And we must believe...so is God.

Love,

Mommy