Two More Songs for Junior

Somehow, being a mom has turned me into a lullaby composer!  Songs only my baby could love.  This is a song I sing to Junior many, many times a day:

G         C      C  C-D    E          D      C

There was a baby named Bathands

D     D     D-E-F   E        C

She had clammy bathands

G     E       D C-B    A

She wore a ducky suit

G       C      B    C

She went to sleep

And here is here tummy time song, which repeats itself in a cycle:

G    C    C          D    F     E -F      G

My bathands did her tummy time

A     G    F    G     F-E         E

She did not like tummy time

C     A   G         F-E

But she grew stronger

G     F         E-D

She grew stronger

F     E        D-C          B-A    G

She grew stronger every day

My bathands did her tummy time...

Tummy Time

It is a miserable thing -- making Junior do tummy time each day.  On her best days, she starts out okay, lifting her head and looking around placidly.  But then, inevitably, it starts...

The legs start kicking.  Those cute little feet in fleece footed pajamas start moving furiously against the mat.

The crying begins.  All versions of it are painful:  the outright screaming (often accompanied by a red-faced appearance that we call "tomato head"), the general fussing, the plaintive and pitiful whimpering.  

She loses strength and is unable to lift her head, and instead just cries, and cries, and cries in agitation--fists all bunched up in a fury--into the floor.  

It is the saddest thing.  I hate doing it.

And so, for a time, we stopped doing it. We're supposed to do thirty minutes a day, but we did a lot less than that...and sometimes skipped it altogether.  But this past week, my brother and sister came to town to visit, and they impressed upon us the great importance of tummy time for Junior's physiological development...so now we're back to doing it.  And it stinks.  Seeing my little girl suffer her way through the three ten-minute segments we require daily is so difficult. The time can't pass quickly enough.  Even a minute feels like ten minutes.  

We try to make it more bearable by laying on the floor next to her, stroking her back, holding her clenched fists, encouraging her to keep going, telling her that we love her and are proud of her and are doing this for her good.  She doesn't really hear us most of the time because she is too busy crying.  And it makes me feel so sad on the inside.  Mr. Squire says it is heartbreaking to watch her, and I quite agree.

But we do it because it's good for her.  She can't understand that, but how I wish she did, so that she would know that we aren't being mean or harsh or unloving--but that the opposite is true: that we love her so much that we endure her suffering for her good.

It has dawned on me in these recent days that that must be how God feels towards us sometimes when we go through tough circumstances.  He knows we need to go through it, even if it hurts like no other.  We kick and scream and cry and we just don't understand why this is happening, or for what purpose.  It makes no sense to us; everything is a dead end, and it's just meaningless suffering.  

And yet He is there, down in the trenches with us, holding our hands, present with us in our suffering.  And not just watching over us, but encouraging us, reassuring us, loving us.  And we can't hear him amidst our screaming.  So He quietly suffers together with us, feeling pain and heartbreak as He watches us go through what He knows we must endure if we are to grow and thrive.  

The Scattered Thoughts of a Sleep-Deprived Mom

Hi baby, good morning, my little duckie.  It's time to eat again... yay, your milk just came in! It's because I heard you cry.  And I saw you.  It is still amazing to me how this whole breastfeeding thing works.  And I am so thankful that we've gotten the hang of it now -- nothing hurts anymore, and I can totally tell when you are eating happily.  I'm a little concerned about my milk supply, though... seems I have less milk for you these days -- are you hungry? Would you tell me if you weren't getting enough? 

Then again, you're getting heavier! And you are so long. And you have enough wet diapers each day...you're probably okay.  But I'm always worried about whether you are hungry.

I'm also worried about whether you're happy.  The only time I really know you are happy is when you smile.  When you smile, it's the best thing in the world.  It makes everything seem right.  It's one of my favorite things about motherhood -- seeing my baby Bathands smile.

Other favorite things about motherhood are -- 

All of our snuggles.  Lots of snuggles: feeding snuggles, storytime snuggles, bedtime snuggles, bathtime snuggles, anytime snuggles.  You'll only be snuggly for so long... I love snuggling with my baby girl.  

I also love successfully getting you to sleep.  It can be frustrating and tiring in the process, especially since I'm so concerned about you getting enough sleep each day (and these days, you're not getting enough, it seems - because it takes so long to get you to nap and stay down).  But when I successfully rock or ergo you into sleep, it feels like a tremendous accomplishment.

I love examining your little face, your little hands, your little feet.  I was never fascinated by little baby bodies before, but I could stare at you for a long time and not get bored.  You are a wonderfully adorable little creature, and your little fingers and super-soft soles of your feet are the best.  I also love your eyes.  They are so clear, just like your daddy's eyes.  Hopefully that means you'll have some of his childlike innocence into adulthood too.

I love when you look into my eyes and track my movements, and when you coo at me, trying to respond to my questions.  Again -- best thing in the world. I could do it for hours and not tire of it.  Wish I could bottle up your little coos and save them forever.

So there are all these wonderful things about motherhood.  There are some tough things, too, though... I know I've only been a mom for a few weeks, but certain difficulties are becoming more apparent.  For instance:

I worry about you all the time.  Is she healthy?  Is she happy?  Is she hungry?  Is she learning enough?  Are we teaching her well?  What about discipline?  Is she feeling loved? (That's a big one -- probably one of my biggest anxieties: does she feel loved and secure and safe?)  Is she getting enough attention from me?  What will she do when I return to work?  Will the nanny love her?  Will she love the nanny more than she loves me?  :( Maybe I should quit my job, or do something else?

I'm a little bit of a control freak--but I'm not really in control.  You need x hours of napping a day, or else I get really worried and stressed out.  We've been totally shirking on your tummy time -- because you don't like it and I don't like seeing you cry and struggle so much.  But then I worry about whether we are failing to teach you perseverance and fortitude (but isn't it a little early for that?). And I worry that you'll suffer developmentally as a result.  I worry about the number of minutes that you're feeding all day (particularly when you nurse under 3 hours a day), and whether you're getting enough nutrients.  I worry about your spitup and why you're suddenly spitting up after every feeding (is it because Daddy is away?).  I worry about you scratching your eyes, and the fact that you won't keep your little bathands away from your eyes, and I can't really do much about it.  I worry about you sucking your hands all the time -- why do you need to soothe yourself when Mommy is right here? Why am I not enough? 

Then there are the things that I don't want to admit...like...the fact that I get frustrated when you want to eat when I want to eat.  So you eat first, and then I eat an hour later when you're done.  Or that I end up wolfing down every meal so that I can return to taking care of you... and as a result, I haven't gotten to really enjoy a meal in quite some time.   And it's really hard to find time to do things that I want to do -- like go to the gym so I can shed those last ten pounds.  You won't take the bottle, so my windows of time are between 1 and 2 hours long, but I never really know what it's going to be.  And I can only nap after you've had your naps, which means I'm perpetually in a state of sleep deprivation.  This is exacerbated by the fact that I struggle to trust other people with getting you to nap.  This is in part, I think, because only your father and I have the patience to do the things that it takes to get you to nap (like rocking back and forth, chanting "Time to nap, time to sleep," for 30-45 minutes at a time).  It's also a function of the fact that I don't get enough sleep at night because I'm still only ever getting one 3-hour chunk at the beginning, followed by a 2-hour chunk (if I'm lucky).  It's different for Daddy because he gets to sleep through all the night feedings -- and sometimes I resent the fact that we're not "even" in this respect.  Lame, I know... I realize that in this last paragraph, these are just some of the byproducts of being a mom. And the fact that it's difficult for me is just part of the maturation process (I still need to grow up).  But those are my growing pains, sad to say. I wish I could be more naturally selfless, but it's taking some time to learn.

Finally, there are my longer-term anxieties:  will you accept the Gospel truth and build a relationship with Christ, and follow God all your life?  Or will you rebel and reject the truth, to your detriment and suffering?  Will we have a good relationship throughout your life?  Will I screw up as a parent in any irredeemable way(s)?  What will your talents be, and how will you use them?  Will I give you freedom to pursue your dreams? Will you dream reasonable, attainable dreams?  Will you have good friends?  Will you grow up to have your own wonderful family and your own little bathands to love and treasure?  Will something awful happen to you during your life?  Obviously, these are things I should really just put into God's hands...but it's not so easy all the time...still learning what it means to surrender.

Why Would You Scratch Her Eyes?

I keep forgetting to post this, but it is one of the funniest things that happened during Junior's first few days with us.

In my sleep-deprived state, I composed an email to myself (through my work email, on my iPhone) during the wee hours of one morning while nursing at home.  Junior was only three days old then, and I was composing a list of questions for our pediatrician, whom we were going to visit the next morning.

Soon after sending the email to myself, however, I realized in horror that I had not sent to myself (ESquire), but to a colleague (ESomeone Else, another associate at the Firm).  So I quickly sent a mea culpa email to ESomeone Else and apologized.  The email I got back from ESomeone Else was hilarious.  The thread is below:

-------

From: ESomeone Else
Date: November 14, 2014, 9:49:56 AM EST
To: ESquire
Subject: RE:

No worries!  Responses in ALL CAPS below.  Haha.

While I have you guys, CONGRATULATIONS!!  I can see you guys are already getting the hang of this parenting thing.  I want to see pictures of Junior!

-----Original Message-----
From: Squire, E
Sent: Friday, November 14, 2014 2:14 AM
To: SomeoneElse, E
Subject: Re:

Sorry E! Wrong email address. :( questions for pediatrician tomm.

Sent from my iPhone

On Nov 14, 2014, at 1:47 AM, Squire, E wrote:

Spit up after feeding? I DO THAT WHEN I DON'T LIKE THE FOOD...

Using finger to pacify ok? JUST CLEAN YOUR FINGER BY WIPING IT ON YOUR JEANS FIRST

Scratching eyes WHY WOULD YOU SCRATCH HER EYES?

Chewing hands and hands inside of sleeves I CHEW MY HANDS WHEN I AM NERVOUS AND I PUT MY HANDS INSIDE MY SLEEVES WHEN THEY ARE COLD.  I THINK JUNIOR IS NERVOUS AND COLD

Coughing? Often after feeding ITS WINTER TIME, AIR IS DRY, I AM SURE THEY MUST HAVE BABY COUGH DROPS

How much formula is too much in light of comparing how much colostrum comes out?  THIS SEEMS LIKE MATH, PASS

Lullabies for Junior

I was never much of a composer, but when it comes to putting Junior to sleep, the lyrics and tunes just seem to come naturally.  The latest is:

G  -  E   F  -  D

Sleepy, squirmy

F   -  D      G      E - C

Squirmy, and sleepy

G   -  E   F - D

Sleepy, squirmy

E    F -    D    G    E   -   C

It's naptime for Bathands

I have 55 more days of leave with my little one, and I plan to savor each one.  Right now she is napping in her crib in her little cat suit, and I am celebrating the victory of having successfully lulling her to sleep.  

I'm camped out with my laptop on the bed next to her crib, with the window shades open and the sun shining outside.  Earlier, she was napping in my arms on the couch, and Mr. Squire was tapping away on his computer, working next to us.  And I just thought -- things don't get better than this.  Life is so good.  God's been so good. 

A Peaceful Entry Into the New Year

It's a snowy day outside today... 

Junior is napping in her crib, lying on her side and wedged nicely between a firm memory-foam pillow and a softer pillow that Ama left behind for us.  We have a queen-sized bed in Junior's room, so Mr. Squire and I have been camping out here the past several weeks... The crib is pulled up right next to the bed, so all Mr. Squire has to do at night is reach between the crib slats and pat her a couple times when she begins to stir, and oftentimes, that's enough to calm her down and convince her to return to sleep.  It's quite a nice arrangement:  she's not co-sleeping with us...we're co-sleeping with her.  :)  

Now that we are past the six-week growth spurt, we're back to a more predictable type of pattern.  The specific hours change, but the pattern is the same:  Junior sleeps for 2-3 hour stretches for about 12 hours per day, then is more awake between feedings (still 3 hours apart) for the remainder of the day.  During those precious few waking periods, we try to get her to do tummy time (which she still resists, despite the fact that her neck is pretty strong now) and I read stories to her and give her snuggles, and Mr. Squire generally dotes on her.  She is a lucky girl.  And we are lucky parents.

I've been on leave for more than two months now, and have just under two months to go.  We're still short on sleep, but it's getting better.  The feeding thing is now fully under control (yay!) and the latest challenges are bottle-feeding (to prepare her for my absence) and sleep inversion.  But mostly, things are feeling more manageable and doable, and we love our little family of three. 

Mr. Squire is working part-time, but from home, so we are always together.  I know that I am incredibly lucky to have him home all the time -- and when he goes away on business for a couple days next week, his parents will come stay with us and help out.  How did I ever end up in this blessed situation?  Wonderful husband with a wonderful family, and a tremendous blessing of a sweet little baby girl.  And we have a nice, cozy, and safe home in which to raise her during these early years. And it is snowing today, so life just feels so extra-perfect.  It is a reminder that our God gives us rich and wonderful gifts in the abundance of His love.  I am so thankful.

Junior at One Month

Dear Junior,

You're just about a month old now.  Here are a few words and comments on your last few weeks of life:

HELP - Mommy's dad stayed with us for a week and Mommy's mom stayed with us for a month soon after you were born to help us with the adjustment period.  It was a blessing to have our meals cooked for us and to have extra moral support and two extra sets of arms and hands to hold and care for you.  Mommy's mom in particular had a particular bond with you -- she understood you in a way that no one else did, and she helped Mommy and Daddy to learn how to understand your cries and signals.  We learned to put our head to your head when trying to soothe you, to rhythmically pat your body when trying to put you down for bed (Mommy has since improved on that method with her special "Time to nap/time to sleep" chants), and to make sure you aren't overtired.  Mommy has been independent for such a long time that accepting help from your grandparents wasn't easy for her at first -- but when she got used to it, she really appreciated it.

SLEEP - Or lack thereof?  You are starting to sleep for longer stretches, though you are still a ways away from sleeping through the night.  Mommy keeps a sleep journal of all the sleep she gets (this is separate and apart from the journal of all of your daily activities and sleep!), and while she is still getting 5-6/7 hours of sleep per day, the chunks of sleep are tending to increase in length from 1 hour and 15 minutes to about 2 hours and 45 minutes (with a record of 3 hours and 30 mins - but that only happened once).  Since Ama left us, you have moved from the pack and play in our room to your crib in your own room -- and Mommy and Daddy have moved with you to the big bed in your room.  You seem to prefer the crib over the pack and play, but your absolute favorite places to fall asleep are (in descending order of preference) (1) skin to skin with Mommy in the ergo carrier; (2) in Daddy's lap or lying on Daddy's chest; and (3) together with Mommy and Daddy in their big bed.  The last one constitutes co-sleeping that always makes Mommy a little nervous, but you love it so much, and we keep an eye on you (mostly) while you are with us.  

LEARNING - Everyone is learning!  In the last month, Mommy has finally learned how to burp you effectively (the over-the-shoulder backrub works well) and how to change a diaper (although Daddy still changes 90% of your diapers).  Mommy is also pretty good at soothing you to sleep with her chants and rhythmic walking. You and Mommy both have gotten better at the feeding/latching thing, although your bat hands still get in the way sometimes...  Daddy has mastered the art of dressing and undressing you (something Mommy has yet to learn -- so far, I've only gotten an over-the-head article of clothing on you ONCE by myself) and playing with you.  Daddy is also very good at administering the Nosefrida on you.  You hate it, but it is so good for you.  And only Daddy has sufficient lung capacity to suck out all your snot.  Go Daddy!

You have learned the most: you've learned that lying on a particular towel on the Snoogle means you're going to eat, so you stop crying...you have learned how to turn your head with greater frequency during tummy time... you have learned how to admire yourself in the mirror... you are starting to smile with greater frequency... and you are getting better at tracking people with your eyes (though you had already started to do that on your second day of life!).  Most excitingly, you are starting to coo!  The little sounds you make are super-adorable and a very fun precursor to your formal speech.  We all still have a lot to learn--but I am encouraged by our progress so far.

DIAPERS - I had heard about it before I became a mom, but now I know it is true:  a surprisingly significant portion of new-parent life is consumed with counting the number of minutes a baby spends feeding and counting the number of her wet and poopy diapers.  Mommy kind of obsesses over how many hours you spend eating, and whether and when you are going to be hungry next.  And while she gets excited about your wet diapers because they are signs that you are well-hydrated, she practically glories over your poopy diapers because they mean you are getting her hindmilk.  Of course, maybe she would glory over your poopy diapers less if she was the one who had to change them...but Daddy handles that!

TIME - Time is kind of lost these days... the days run together, and days of the week don't mean a whole lot anymore.  The only date markers that we use are tracking the dates on which we have visitors or have a pediatrician appointment.  You haven't gotten your shots yet, so we can't really venture out yet.  So time doesn't really exist for us in a meaningful way.  We just have a lot of time with each other and with you.  It is a wonderful gift.

RECOVERY - Mommy is still recovering from childbirth. It's a long process! The lingering pain from the episiotomy and the epidural come and go (more come, less go) and serve as a reminder of the incredible process involved in bringing a child into the world.  You are totally worth it!

FUN - You are a lot of fun.  I know some moms think that newborns are boring because they are more like little blobs that don't interact much with the outside world.  It is kind of true that the vast majority of your life right now involves eating and sleeping, and very few periods of unfussy wakefulness (which we end up having to fill with tummy time, which you don't really enjoy quite yet).  Daddy pretends to make you "walk" and Mommy and Daddy both have many conversations with you (inserting words in your mouth for you), so I guess we are making our own fun in a way.  But even apart from that, I don't think you are boring.  I think I am still in awe of the fact that you are a real, tiny person -- and our real, tiny person.  We love you, and you are part of our fun little family -- and that is very, very fun.

We love you and are so blessed to have you!  

Love,

Mommy