My faith began with my mom. I was blessed to be raised by a faith-filled mother whose foremost objective as a parent was to impart to her children a deep-rooted conviction that God is real, following Jesus is everything, and nothing in life matters more. Obviously, as a result, she sent my brother and I to church and AWANA to receive formal teaching. But the greatest teaching of all, we received from home, through my mom: she was desperate for us to know and follow Christ, and whatever she knew, she passed on to us through Bible studies at home, singing hymns together, praying together, sharing all of her past shames and struggles and God's redemptive power, and constantly involving God in our lives. Now that my brother and I are adults, she continues to enshroud our lives in prayer, knowing that God sees and knows and controls everything. My mom is far from perfect, but she is the most striving Christian I know, and my history with Jesus would look so different without her. Who knows; without her, there may not have been a history to tell.
As a result of the foregoing, it's hard to pinpoint exactly when I began to believe in Jesus. But I do know that sometime in the middle of elementary school, the prayers, hymns, and Sunday School lessons started to trickle down from head to heart and I entered into a relationship with God as I gradually realized that Jesus was not just a historical figure to be studied, not just a living hero to be revered, not even just a leader to be followed and obeyed, but a true Savior, Lord, and Friend. Those early years were good: I grew in my prayer life, particularly as I sought comfort from loneliness and problems at home, and healing/relief from a chronic health condition. God also used my church--which placed a heavy emphasis on evangelism and dispatched missionaries throughout the country and world--to instill a deep desire for friends to meet Jesus, which led to prayer and sharing the message of salvation with some kids at school. God also made me more aware of my sins and shortcomings and my great need for His transformation, as well as His ability to deliver such change through His Spirit (most prominent among the many culprits were pride and impatience, which remain to this day, though to a lesser extreme). Thus during these years, I experienced God as Shelter, Sustainer, Lover of People, and Patient Teacher.
In the meantime and beyond, another aspect of my faith developed as I gained awareness that God had called me to a specific profession. Maybe it began innocently enough as a childhood interest, but as the years passed and my relationship with God deepened, I came to know that He had called me to be a lawyer. I have never been able to satisfactorily explain how I arrived at this conclusion. I just knew. It wasn't an easy road, because both of my parents objected to it, and the choice soon came down to The Parents' Way versus God's Way, and as hard as it sometimes was to live with the practical consequences of my decision, the decision itself wasn't that hard to make. And by the time that moment of decision came (sometime in high school, I think) I knew for sure that God was true and right, and His will--as best as I could understand it--should come first, regardless of the consequences. Making that choice was probably the first real test of my faith, and I haven't looked back since. In the years since high school, through college and law school and during my time in New York, I saw God pave clear paths for me upon the most unlikely (yet most wonderful) routes. I felt Him guide me in ways that were so palpable that if there's a such thing as an audible feeling, that's what I experienced. God also molded my heart and values, tempering the fire for justice with compassion, mercy, and empathy. In this way, for the majority of the last twenty years, with respect to work, I have experienced God as my Pillar of Fire, my clear guide as to where I should go, and how.
This changed recently, and I find myself in uncharted territory. Nowadays, I no longer sense the Pillar of Fire, and I often worry that I am wandering and floundering about in a desert, unfamiliar with my surroundings and unsure of where to turn or go. Sometimes I wonder whether the Pillar of Fire was a mirage, that I have not actually heard God's voice, or followed His call. That perhaps I have not actually known Him as well as I previously believed. And that I have not been walking in obedience, and all of this at the great expense of time, opportunity, heartache for my parents, resources, and worst of all, my spiritual health. Nothing frightens me more. This is where I find myself today. It is incredibly uncomfortable and disconcerting. Yet, deep down (at least on my better days), I trust that God is using this phase to strengthen and grow my faith, to teach me to keep straining to hear His voice, to remind me that we live by faith and not sight, to develop my dependence on Him for each day. In this aspect of the most recent stage in my walk, I am learning to know God as the Owner of Each Day, He who is Present though Silent, and Father to a truly helpless child.
On another note, as I look back on my faith journey, I see how much God has used community to grow my faith and develop my understanding of who He is and what He values. It was during an annual youth group retreat in 1997 that I committed to daily devotionals as I came to realize how important they are to one's spiritual health. It was through my law school fellowship in college that I first experienced the value of a prayer and accountability partner; she reflected Christ's love to me in that she knew so much of who I was and what I was struggling with, and she still loved and supported me. It was through my law school fellowship in law school that I experienced the power of a large Christian community: the safety and comfort of the giant web of spiritual friendships, the power of daily corporate prayer (Monday through Friday at 8am!), the sharpening of iron against iron as we challenged each other to pursue God's call despite the costs and to be faithful with all that we had been given, the sense of eternal family and faithfulness that lasts even though we are now spread across many countries and most of the continents. And here, through my church in New York, God has used community to show me how members of a local body can accept, love, teach, forgive, encourage, and nurture each other, and work together to do that which God has called the body to do. Through each of these experiences, God has manifest Himself to me as a Gardener, He who uses many different indirect elements to make this soul grow.
Lastly, I'm still sorting through the integration of faith and work, but that aside, I believe that God has placed on my heart the following burdens:
- To walk alongside people in difficult situations and to provide both material and prayer support over long periods of time;
- To provide prayer and financial support to certain missionaries and ministries who share the good news to others, both in the United States and abroad;
- To support certain organizations and groups that are dedicated to social justice, particularly with respect to people who are homeless, the prison population, and urban schools - and to speak and to act against injustice;
- To love those whom God has placed in my life and workplace, to develop deep and lasting relationships with them, and to live an authentic and honest life before them with God's help, and--God willing--to share the good news with them at opportune times; and
- To support the physical, spiritual, and emotional health of my husband; to maintain a marriage that pleases God; and (should God give us children) to raise our children with the foremost objective of imparting to them a deep-rooted conviction that God is real, following Jesus is everything, and nothing in life matters more.
No comments:
Post a Comment