Siiiiigh.  It's been a while since I last reflected.  I have a number of things on my mind this evening.

Moments of Delight.

We've had a number of these lately.  

This afternoon, the Squires ventured out into the freshly fallen snow with two friends from church after eating a very satisfying Brooklyn pizza lunch at Juliana's.  We had an impromptu snowball fight -- husbands vs. wives.  We raced across a soccer field scenically situated on a pier, partially in an attempt to weird out the guy who was cross-country skiing on the field.  We took pictures together.  We went to a nearby playground and I finally got the chance to try out the two big slides there.  They were extra-slippery in the snow, and we flew off the slides at seemingly break-neck speeds, shrieking the whole way.  We became children again, and it was awesome.

We received an orchid from a dinner guest two weekends ago.  It is still alive.  In fact, it is doing well.  This is something of a small miracle in this household, as I am reputed to have a black thumb.  I am delighted that Margherita (I named after Margharita of Savoy for the same reason that the margherita pizza is so named) is thriving. Let's see how long I can keep this up!

The last week has brought several soul-feeding conversations with sisters at church and with my dearest friend at work.  I enjoy a good, deep conversation that surpasses small talk and generalities and really digs in deep to address real issues (good and bad) in life.  I am deeply grateful that work has been incredibly low-key and peaceful for so many weeks.  This has given me the opportunity to recenter my thoughts surrounding work and where I am now, reconnect with many people, and reflect on big-picture stuff.  

Sobering Reminders.

I am painfully aware that I am far too impatient with my parents sometimes.  I am actually nervous about returning home for the holidays for that precise reason:  I haven't seen them in so many months, so I want to make the time really good.  But I know (based on my phone conversations with them) that certain things that they do (or don't do) push my buttons to such a degree that I snap at them or say things that I shouldn't.  I hate repeating myself, for example.  I also hate being interrupted.  I don't like hearing criticisms (they sound like criticisms to me, anyway) about how other children are raised, especially because that makes me nervous that I will also be so criticized behind my back about how I raise my own children in the future.  I grow impatient with hearing about the same medical problems, again and again.  I don't like being asked, "Can you believe it? Are you surprised?" because in some perverse way I think I am somehow above being surprised (at least with them).  All of this is horrible and stupid and embarrassing of me.  I'm quite ashamed, really.  :(  I know that only God can help me be better.  Only He can give me the grace and self-control that I so desperately need.  I have been praying that I will be patient with them throughout our visit; that we will be a blessing and not a curse to my parents; that we will love them and make them feel loved; that we will be willing to do things that we don't particularly enjoy simply because they enjoy it.  And by "we" I mean "I," because in these ways Mr. Squire is a better child of my parents than I am.  Problem is, he's not actually their child, so they don't really care that much about whatever he does or doesn't do.  It's what I do or don't do...and I really need to do better.  Lord, deliver me from evil and help me to be better...

Something happened at work recently that completely rattled me.  I felt very tense and unsettled for the rest of the day, and spent much of the day pondering how the event would or could possibly affect my perceived standing as an attorney, as a female, or simply as an individual.  It was a terrible day, and I felt helpless and unjustifiably attacked.  Things got better as the day went along, but I was still uneasy when I left the office.  I took a long walk toward home, playing Steven Curtis Chapman's songs on my iPhone and reflecting on the events of the day.  I was proud of myself for turning to God early on in the event--praying for my "enemy" and also praying for a right perspective.  But I knew that I was still nursing my broken pride.  I looked up at the moon shining down on me, and I remembered with great comfort who I am in Christ.  For a moment, it was well with my soul.  And that moment gave way to a reminder from the Holy Spirit that the sufferings we endure actually serve great purposes.  God reminded me of other difficulties that He had brought me through in the past:  unfair characterizations in high school; unjustified feedback from a particular employee in a prior job; uncertainty with respect to my professional future at various points in my education and career; rough roads in my personal relationships.  God showed me scenes from each prior thorny thicket.  Then He brought to mind scenes from conversations that took place years later--when I was in a position to share about my path out of the thicket with real empathy and real compassion from a place of genuine understanding.   Second Corinthians 1:3-7 says: 

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.  For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.  If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.  And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

I felt substantially better about what happened at work as a result of this reflection.  It may have been unfair, but it will serve a purpose one day.  That makes it worth something, and much easier to accept.  Still hard, but easier.

The Plan for 2014.

God willing, and with the Lord's help, I'm going to become a better writer in 2014.  One comment I received this summer has fueled a fire within me to prove the commenter wrong.  I've resumed the study of a usage book, started a word list, subscribed to The New Yorker, and ordered two desk references.  I will pay much closer attention to how I draft even the simplest of emails.  I will practice, practice, practice.  I am determined.