A Spring in the Step

It's been a good week. 

It started off great:  Greg Jao spoke at our church on Sunday, and it was such an uplifting, encouraging, light-the-fire-in-your-soul message:

• We can usher in the Kingdom of God even in little ways:  whenever we point to God, or reflect a world in which He is known, felt, or obeyed, we are turning back the corner to reveal the Kingdom of God and reclaiming it for this world, "inch by square inch."  What an encouragement: that even our tiniest acts of obedience bring glory to God.

• Greg has two little kids, and they're apparently at the age when they love to help him out in the kitchen.  Of course, their little hands make cooking far messier and far less efficient than it otherwise would be--but Greg lets them help him, and he delights in them, simply for their company.  Greg surmises that that's a glimpse of how God is with us when it comes to His work here on Earth.  Can He do it all Himself?  Of course He can.  So why does He let/invite us to do the work with Him?  Because He delights in us--and He wants to give us the privilege of being part of His work.  Yes, it's messier and slower when we do it, but He takes joy in our partnership with Him.  Amazing thought.

There are other thoughts, too -- I need to listen to the sermon again.  But anyway, it was a great way to start the week.

And then, I traveled back to Boston to speak at the law school.  I guess that's what happens when you're a few years out of school?  You actually start going back to speak?  (Whaaa?)  It was a real privilege, and super-fun to revisit the old haunts.  I'd never stayed in the Charles Hotel before (but did many, many interviews there!), so I was extra-delighted for the opportunity to stay there--and Mr. Squire came along, which made everything many times more fun.  (For starters, we were very entertained by how large the bed was...so huge compared to our full-size bed!)  We had breakfast at IHOP with Riley (one of our groomsmen), and then I wandered back to the law school and Harvard Square to check out what was the same and different.  Picked up two "A litigator" alligator shirts from the COOP (one for me, and one for my bestie at the firm -- and does anyone else think it's hilarious that I want to get an alligator shirt that just says "alligator" for Mr. Squire? I think this is ridiculously funny), oohed and aahed at the gorgeous new Wasserstein Hall, visited Professor Stuntz's portrait and remembered him, met up with a 1L whom I had sort of mentored before she started school, spoke on the panel, hit up Felipe's, met up with an HLS '06-er who was in the fellowship with me, then took the train home.  Great trip.  Nice way to break up the week.

And then back to work... and work is getting very busy.  But it's still manageable, and I'm still enjoying myself, even though the hours are actually quite long now.  I am so so so so thankful for this.  I'm sure it will get harder.  But I am extremely thankful that my first three weeks on this speedy bankruptcy case (on top of 3 other active matters, two of which are in discovery) have been so doable.  I know that is an answer to prayer, and I delight in the thought that God has sheltered me so fully in response to my prayers. I revel in His attention, and warm the face of my heart against the light of His love.  Thanks be to God for being my help and my joy.

And tomorrow is Friday.  All's well.

Precious Thoughts from John

One of my brothers from law school, John, has always been a faithful friend to me.  We were neighbors during my 1L and 2L years, and I remember spending numerous evenings sitting cross-legged on the floor of his dorm room, musing about the challenges that Christian lawyers face, the challenges that well-educated and privileged Christian lawyers face, how we wanted to use our opportunities to serve the Kingdom, and how we wanted to live out our professional and personal lives in a manner that told a compelling story about who God is.

Post-graduation, he got married and returned to his home state, and I didn't see him and his wife again until a couple years ago, when I went to Houston on business.  I've not seen them since.  

Nevertheless, we still keep in touch, in what I'll call a "kind of/really" fashion.  We "kind of" keep in touch because many, many months pass between each communication.  But we "really" keep in touch because the messages we pass back and forth are actually meaningful.  John is one of the few who has remained faithfully invested in and concerned about how my life is turning out:  how well I'm weathering the challenges that well-educated and privileged Christian lawyers face, how I'm using my opportunities to serve the Kingdom, and how I'm living out my professional and personal life to tell a compelling story about God.  He and his wife faithfully prayed for me during the long period when I was confused and agitated about my calling and this desert.  

So, a couple months ago, I wrote to John to provide the latest update.  I wrote:

Mr. Squire and I are doing well, and we are thankful for your faithful prayers and friendship.  It has been a difficult year in terms of coming to terms with the fact that neither of us is (professionally) where we expected and planned to be five years ago.  By this time, I was supposed to be a federal prosecutor (or at least actively trying to get into the office) and he was supposed to be in his fifth year of teaching in the inner city.  Instead, I am doing civil litigation at a firm, and he is a free-lancing financial consultant for a hedge fund.  So often during the past year and a half, we have looked at our lives, mystified -- what is God doing?  We had prepared for and sought the other life so wholeheartedly, and we do not understand why we are where we are now.

Many prayers later, we are at a place of acceptance.  God's ways are not our ways, and if our faith is measured by obedience, then we feel that we have satisfied that measure -- notwithstanding the outcome.  We remain hopeful that God will reveal His purposes to us, and that he will even allow us to participate in the dreams (we thought) He once gave us.  In the meantime, though, I'm done being frustrated with God.  That's big news! :)

John wrote back, addressing my update in the context of becoming a new father:

I'm realizing that life is about change. You can't stop time, and you can't fix your circumstances just as you'd like them to be. Each day will present its own joys and challenges, no matter how good or bad the day before. One thing that is constant is change. Being able to make the most of it is key, not clinging to the past or worrying incessantly over the future, the former of which can't be revived and the latter of which can't be fully controlled. There are things I'm sure I'll miss once we have kids. Small things like the freedom to eat out without worrying about finding a baby sitter. And larger things too. For the rest of our lives, our kids and their welfare will be ever-present on our hearts and minds. But I also know there will be ways in which our lives will be fulfilled that we can't even imagine, holes that will be plugged that we didn't even know were there. So the change comes, and hopefully, like with all changes, we will embrace it. The Lord's path for our lives may often not be clear. King David was anointed king by Samuel long before he took the throne. The path to kingship was anything but direct, but the Lord brought him there. I guess we learn through all the changes and unexpected turns in the road to trust God more and make the most of each stage of life, even if it is different than the ones before it, or different from our expectations for it.

Well said, John. Thank you for your faithful friendship, and your wisdom.

This Week

I found out that one of my high-school friends, who gave birth to twins at 24 weeks, lost one of the twins, Kai.  Kinnon still lives, but without her brother.

I found out that one of my childhood friends has kidney cancer.

On Mr. Squire's train ride home from men's group, two passengers boarded and one started pummeling the other in the head, splattering his blood all over the train and punching him almost to death.  Mr. Squire and the crowd of other passengers on that packed car scrunched into a corner, unaware of whether one or both men had a knife or a gun.  He's been traumatized ever since.

* * *

My heart is filled with a deep sadness.  Brokenness surrounds us, and there's no escaping it. 

At the same time, thank God for the hope that we have in Him.  He gives each person strength to meet each trial.  In His wisdom, He may withhold justice for a time here in the present, but the day will come when all will acknowledge His existence, goodness, and status as Lord.  

I cannot imagine living in this world without that hope.

The Magical Window

before it all turns to unsightly slush

there's a magical window

in which

flakes fall like manna

and feed the soul

the world falls quiet

and you hear nothing but the shuffle

of your own steps

across a sparkling, cold carpet

laid out just for you

and you feel

as if

you had been transported 

back home

if even for just ten minutes.

Drawing from the Well

In reference to my prior post, in which I mentioned a big hike ahead, I engaged a set of my local sisters here to pray for and with me over the next year.  I liken the enlistment of their prayers to drawing from a well in preparation for the Big Hike:  no one takes a hike without packing the number-one necessity--water.  In this case, my water is God's help.  I can't do without it.  If I try, I will fail miserably.  

Below are my prayer requests:

1. That God would grant me emotional and mental health -- knowing what I can control, and doing those things well, and giving up the rest.

2. That God would put an end to the dreams about work, and give me real rest every night.  That God would grant me physical protection; when I get super-stressed at work, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I start to develop a variety of ailments.

3.  Most of all, that God would grant me spiritual health:  that throughout every moment of every day that I'm working on this matter, I would remember who my God is.  My God is not my partner.  My God is not success or perceived success on this case.  My God is not my job, or employment, or whatever success on this case may lead to.  My God is Jesus -- and I'd like this to be reflected in the excellence of my work, and also my mental perspective that this isn't the end-all, be-all of my life.

4.  That God would grant me mercy in terms of time and balancing my other cases.  That is often one of the greatest sources of stress.  

5.  That God would give Mr. Squire wisdom to know how to help me through this.  He is an amazing husband and so teachable.  I pray that God would help him know how to support me, and help me not to allow stress to make me unappreciative, overly demanding, overemotional, etc.

It's only been a week since I issued these requests, and it's early yet in the case, but some key events happened this week--and I did feel the favor and protection and peace of God.  I even felt His joy in my work, and that was tremendous.  

I also felt the comfort of knowing that others were praying for me--and that was a little jarring, but in a good way.  In recent years, I have learned that prayer is one of my spiritual gifts, as is mercy.  Typically, I take a lot of joy in listening to other people's problems and burdens, and praying faithfully for God to address them.  But I don't really ask for prayer all that often, so usually I am the one praying--not the one being prayed for.  

I am trying to change that imbalance, because just like everyone else, I need prayer!  I need other people to pray for me.  I like to be the giver and not the taker, but I'm realizing that there is a spiritual dimension and benefit to being the "taker" of prayer, too.  As the giver of prayer, I experience joy simply in the act of praying for others, and even greater joy when I see God answer the prayers in whatever way He sees fit.  I rejoice because I can see God conferring love on others.  I am learning that as the receiver of prayer, there's a different type of joy and a deep sense of comfort, because I sense God conferring love on me.  This week especially, I felt it.  And I am grateful. 

I See You...

Following up on yesterday's post...  Mr. Squire packed Pi and Turtle in the lunch bags on his way home.  He texted the picture to me with the caption, "I see you..."

So cute.  He took a while to learn how to play along, but Mr. Squire really gets the fun world of stuffies now! :)  Or...pretends to, to entertain his wife.  That's more likely...  Lucky me!

"I got us two lunch bags!"

When Mr. Squire attends conferences for work, he inevitably returns home with strange types of swag.  Last time's swag involved a bobblehead doll and a variety of USB storage drives.  And an absolutely gigantic tote bag (which has turned out to be quite useful).

This time, he excitedly texted me that he got us two lunch bags.  My honey, so easily amused by anything that is, in his words, "freeeeee." 

A Smattering of Unrelated Thoughts

I've been very focused all day, reading a stack of documents to familiarize myself with a new case that is hurtling toward trial at the speed of light.  So please pardon me if this blogpost is anything but focused; I seem to have spent all my focus elsewhere.

A touching moment.  Last night, Mr. Squire and I watched the first half of the premiere of Season 4 of Downton Abbey.  In it, Lord Grantham said to Tom Branson (concerning Lady Mary and the deceased Matthew Crawley), "The price of great love is great misery when one of you dies."  Mr. Squire and I both made sad faces and reached for each other's hands when he said that.  I was touched--because Mr. Squire isn't exactly a feeler.  But he apparently feels the same way about me as I do about him.  I am thankful for the great love we share.

A touching dream.  Halfway through Downton Abbey, I expressed a desire to go to sleep.  The looming trial and everything that needs to get done in the next nine months before it (not to mention my five other active cases) exhausted me mentally, and I really wanted to just enter my own little world.  And enter I did--and there, I had a wonderful dream.  I was careening around town in some contraption that is best described as a cross between a subway car and a Disney ride.  We came to a stop, and the man diagonal from me rushed out the doors.  Just before the doors closed, he rushed back in, to my surprise (I thought he was getting off? Maybe he was mistaken about the stop?).  In his left hand, he carried a large plastic bag bearing a conical object.  He had clearly just picked it up--bought it.  Inside was what appeared to be a gigantic bouquet of flowers, which he wordlessly handed to an elderly couple across the train car.  And that's where the dream ended.  It made me very happy.

At the foot of a mountain.  The eerie peace and quiet couldn't (and shouldn't) last forever.  It's been several months since work really quieted down.  During that time, I've reached a critical place of peace in terms of calling/vocation.  I've reconnected with friends and truly rested.  I've picked up a new hobby (hello, papercutting!).  It's time to lace up my hiking boots and pack a bag for a long trip, though.  The call has come; it's time to go.  Time to go mountain-climbing.  I have several active matters at work, and one gigantic new assignment.  I think it's something of a test, and even if it's not, it will certainly be very challenging.  I'm nervous, but also excited.  I am almost certain that the next nine months will bring exhaustion, fatigue, frustration, and hopefully not too much of a physical toll.  But I also expect to learn a ton and grow immensely as an attorney.  My prayers are to not be overwhelmed; to not get buried in work; to do my work with excellence; to remember who is my God.  Especially that last one.  Here we go...

Good Will Hunting

Last week, one of my friends celebrated another birthday.  He lives in Texas, so I sent him an email with a couple birthday queries:  What are you doing to celebrate?  What's one thing you loved about last year?  What's one thing you're looking forward to this year?

His response was cheerful and full of things that were more or less expected... meeting up with friends to celebrate... loved finally landing his dream job at the Department of Justice ... looking forward to doing two criminal trials....  The usual.  But then my eyes landed on the last sentence in his response to Question 3:  "I am also looking forward to having a closer relationship and understanding of Christ."

In my heart, I smiled.  And on my face, I grinned.  And in my head, I thought, What the--?

I've known this friend since 2007, when I worked under him at my old law firm.  He was super-intense (still is) and I was super-intimidated, but I enjoyed working with him.  If anyone I know loves the field, the work, the art of law--it's this friend.  We got to know each other as boss/underling, and as the weeks passed by, that slipped into more of a mentor/mentee thing.  By the end of the summer, we were friends.  

The first time I realized that we had become friends was late one evening when we were both in the office, working together on our pro bono brief.  He came into my office without announcement, slumped into one of my guest chairs, buried his head in his hands, and murmured, "I have a headache."  With that admission of his feeling/being something short of super-awesome, we ushered in a new age of friendship.  Since that time, although we have rarely been in the same city, we have bonded and helped each other with numerous career-related anxieties and relationship issues (more his than mine).  He came to our wedding.  I visited him while on business in Texas.  I went to his special 30th birthday dinner with a very select group of his family/friends/judge.  

Through all of these years of friendship--especially the early years--I never hid my faith.  He knew what I was.  He knew who I thought Jesus was. He knew who I wanted Jesus to be to him.  ... But he gently mocked me, calling me a goody-goody, taking little jabs at claims of the Bible... that's just what I came to expect with him.  I didn't really mind...so it goes with the lost.  But, like his mom, I prayed for him--kind of.  I'm not sure I really believed God would ever change him.

Then he moved to Texas.  And his judge there is a devout Christian.  Things started to change in the way he spoke about God.  And amid his career-direction crisis that followed, he began to ask me to pray for him.  Every time he asked me to pray for him, I marveled at the work that God was doing.  Could it really be?

Yes, it can really be.  Several years have since passed.  He is looking forward to growing in his knowledge of Jesus and deepening his relationship with his Lord.  I am amazed at God's ongoing work, and more than a little ashamed that I didn't trust Jesus more.  I am inspired again to pray--with belief, please!--that God can change the hearts of whomever He so chooses.  The people I think will never turn to Jesus just might one day, with His help.

Praise God for His faithfulness and for His ongoing work in all of our lives.  And happy birthday to my dear friend -- my brother.

Scenes from our First Snowfall in 2014

Welcome to Willowtown.

Hindsight and Foresight: The Year in Review and Looking Ahead

Some years are more eventful than others -- and 2013 was on the far end of the spectrum.  A few highlights and lowlights:

Mr. Squire... 

-Took a break from teaching and picked up whatever it is that he's doing now as unpaid Vice President of a two-man hedge fund.  This transition from teaching to not-teaching was incredibly difficult for me.  Why would God pull a caring, loving, capable teacher out of a desperately flailing system and plop him into some day-trading "job" that doesn't directly add value to the world?  It seemed like an utter waste to me, and yet I knew Mr. Squire could not sustain another year as a teacher--and if he left now, he still might return (that's my hope, anyway).  So, kicking and screaming and whining a bit on the inside, I went with it.  And it hasn't been bad.  In fact, it's been good--for me, for the guys in his men's group, for the husbands in his husbands' group, even for his school (because now he goes back to sub and relieve some pressure from the teachers).  I don't know what the future holds, but right now, it seems to work.

-Started reading his Bible every day.  Ironically, this was a direct consequence of his financial research work, which God used to make him realize that if you're going to go high in your faith, you have to go deep in your knowledge and understanding of God, Jesus, and the Gospel.  The God who surprised the world by using non-eldest brothers and humble tribes and towns to raise up the Savior is still using unlikely means today.  Three months have passed since Mr. Squire started reading his Bible on a daily basis, and I am still marveling at this amazing answer to my prayers.  I believe more strongly now than ever before that God can and does change hearts.

-Became himself again.  I didn't realize what a rough road we had been on during his teaching years until he quit.  And slowly, he emerged from zombie mode... his emotional capacity increased significantly... he didn't require daily propping-up... he became whole again.  All of which, of course, made life much easier for me.  Perhaps this hiatus is just what we needed.  Knowing God, that must be true.

As for me, I...

-Was given a tremendous gift of revelation about my calling/work circumstances.  See this post and this post from October.  This is probably the single most major thing that happened to me in 2013.  After having struggled for so many months, it has been a great relief to reach a place of relative peace about where I am and where things are right now.  Of course, it still feels as if I am sailing on an endless sea, surrounded fully from horizon to horizon by vast expanses of water--no land in sight.  It still feels as if I have no map, and no idea to where I am sailing, or why, or how long this mysterious part of the journey will last.  It still feels, frankly, as if I am lost.  But after months of flailing about, steering hopelessly this way and that, I am ceding control.  To be clear, I haven't given up--I've just given over.  It still feels like I'm just floating, but now I trust/realize that though I can't literally see God at the helm, He is there.  And that makes things a lot more okay.

-Grew a lot at work.  I picked up a lot of skills--did many things for the first time, and then for a second and third time.  Worked for many people.  Built something of a reputation, which I hope to only refine and strengthen in the coming year.  I have a lot of work to do, a lot of catching up to do in terms of litigation, and not a lot of time to do it.  There have been some very tough moments at work, and many other joyful ones.  Overall, I still feel very lucky to be at my firm.  The work is good, the opportunities are great, and the people (for the most part) are fantastic.  I really don't think it gets much better than this for a law firm in the City.

-Felt a shift in my role for this current season.  I sense that God is calling me to enter into certain people's lives to just be there for them.  Listen.  Pray.  Counsel.  Pray more.  These are people at work, people at church, people currently in law school, people currently in college.  I'm seeing that God is using a lot of the challenges from the past to help me speak from a place of true compassion and empathy.  Reminds me of II Corinthians 1. 

-Performed half of my 2013 New Year's Resolution of reconciling with two people from my past.  The other half will not happen, I think.  I don't think he welcomes--or even values--reconciliation.  Even more so, I don't think he thinks reconciliation is an issue here; in the New York professional world, contacts are used and discarded once they are no longer valuable...so it's just business as usual for him.  That makes me sad.  I was hoping to have the guts to seek him out anyway, perhaps to demonstrate my own view of the value of a person, but...I'm not that bold yet.  More sadness.

-Adopted three new pets:  an ostrich (Oi), a mosquito (Bugger), and a donkey (JJ).  I freely admit that I have too many pets.  But I can't give any of them up.

The Squires...

-Entered into the New Hope project, which has been going well, thanks to G&J in Denver.  We continue to marvel at this opportunity and pray for God to use it to bless many people.

In other news, my goal in 2014 is to become a better writer.  God willing, I will work at it, He will enable me, and it will happen--somehow, to His glory.