Dear Junior: Deep Thoughts

Dear Junior,

There's a lot to catch you up on.  Where to begin?

Let's start with you.

You are four and a half months old now.  We took you to the doctor last week and it turns out that you are continuing to grow very well and pretty consistently.  You're still 95th percentile (26 inches) in length!  Go Bathands!  Your tall genes from both sides are shining through.  I expect you'll be taller than Mommy and that is okay with me.

These days, you are much more social. You smile a ton every day, especially when you are well-rested, but even when you're not.  You smile when you see Mommy and Daddy, when Mommy starts singing her song ("You are my Bathands, my only Bathands...") to you, when Daddy pretends to try to eat you ("Mmm...zebra ribs...plump...juicy...ribs!"), or even when he's just licking his lips in preparation.  You are so used to the Timber game that all we have to say is, "There I was..." in a particular tone, and you give us a big grin.  But we finish anyway, with some version of "There I was, sitting at the top of a mountain, all by myself, the last conifer left.  And I thought I had survived the chopping season because it was spring already! But then all of a sudden, I heard...bzz bzzz buzz....chopchopchopchopchopchop ...3...2...1.... TIMMMMM-BERRRRR!"  You also smile when you see yourself in the mirror, or when you don't have clothes on, right before your bath.  Little exhibitionist.  :)

You are much better at grabbing things now, and you looove grabbing anything and everything:  Mommy's hair, the straps on Mommy's clothes, Daddy's hair, Daddy's face, Mommy's face, blankets, Temper (your bear)'s fur, JJ (Mommy's donkey)'s face, Mr. Sabbs (your string and ball toy from Auntie Laura), and--of course--anything that Mommy and Daddy are eating at dinner.  We have to be careful that you don't swipe away our bowls onto the floor!  But we love to see that you are so active.

You ace tummy time now, and even spent almost an hour on the floor one day this past week.  You are also much more vocal, babbling and cooing and vocalizing a lot more.  You have this weird vocalization that freaked Mommy out a little -- it's hard to describe, but it didn't sound very pleasant.  Your abuela and Daddy agree, however, that it's just you trying out sounds and trying to talk.  So exciting!

Speaking of sounds, every day, Mommy continues to sit at the piano with you and play and sing a worship song.  And every day, you reach--with both hands--to strike keys on the piano.  Maybe you'll take a real interest in learning piano one day.  That would be fine with me, but no pressure.  In the meantime, I just hope to expose you to the joy of music and daily worship.

The only problem we're having right now is your sleep regression.  The dreaded four-month sleep regression.  Every night, you wake up at least three (sometimes four) times to eat, and in between, you stir and wake and cry sometimes.  So even though Mommy goes to bed when you do (around 9:45) and wakes up to go to work sometime between 7 and 8 (depending on the day), I'm still not getting nearly enough sleep on most days.  We are trying to be strict about having you sleep in your crib, but you looooove sleeping with Mommy and Daddy in the big bed.  So we let you -- but only in the morning, around 6 or 7.  And then you sleep like a rock for a good three hours.  Oh, little ducky.  And sometimes you smile in your sleep, and we suspect it might be like a "muahahaha, I'm in the big bed" type of smile.  Probably not, but it's fun to imagine.

So, as you see, you continue to bring us immense joy in every respect.  We love you so, Ducky.  I take such joy in all things about you -- from your soft little head, to your sweet smiles and coos, to your curious eyes, to your soft and dimpled bathands, to your cute feet (whether hidden away in footed pajamas, or out and about for you to see and discover), to every little way in which you surprise and delight us.  I understand the joy of parenting, and it has strengthened my understanding of how God must feel about me.  It amazes me that a parent can delight in his or her child to this degree, and it is a blessing to think that God looks at me the way I look at you (and probably even more so, because He is love and He is perfect).

So let's talk about me.  Rather than reinventing the wheel, let me share an excerpt of an email I sent to Auntie Lu and Auntie Rachel last week:

This last weekend I didn't work--well, I did half an hour on Saturday but that doesn't really count. And I was home all day Friday bc Junior had a doc appt (well visit--we are thankful she is continuing to grow well! Didn't gain as much due to bottle strike but she did still gain. And still 95th percentile in length!). We had a very fun weekend, and Bathands was super smiley and fun and engaging. She was also super fussy yesterday afternoon til this morning and I'm not sure what that is all about, but overall we just had a really great weekend together. And we got to have friends over for dinner, I got to go upstairs and see my neighbors to pass on some dessert, and dris and Mel came over for lunch yesterday.  

Why am I sharing this? Because I am really happy. I feel rested and happy and satisfied with the time I had at home. And I am convinced now more than ever--I have got to leave this job and assume one that allows me to do this all the time. One that allows this to be the norm, not the exception. 
Yesterday Harvey and I had a really good talk about this exact thing--he is essentially in the same boat--and we talked about the difficulties in forgoing opportunities and continuing to climb the ladder in light of our educational and work histories and trajectories, the fear of man (ie me worrying about others in law thinking I'm a dud for jumping off the train) versus the fear of god (ie having guts to be obedient to whatever it is god calls us to--even if it means confronting the fear of man...and might that humiliation be the cross we are called to bear?), challenging our own notions of what it means to bring glory to god (so often we tell ourselves that we bring glory to god by being successful at work and being Christian--and that certainly can be true for some. But for me, is it just that I want to be great for my own glory? Might be. I need god to show me the truth of my own heart), and having a deep understanding of what it is that god has called us to -- and for me, I know at least part of that calling is raising Gracie up in Christ and teaching her to follow him and serve him.  

I was very encouraged by my talk with Harvey because it hit on so many of the tensions I've been thinking about and that Mr. Squire and I (and other faithful ones, like you both) have been praying about. It felt very much like affirmation from god (maybe bc I trust Harvey spiritually so much) that I'm on the right track in my thinking about work and leaving this lifestyle. The scary part is that it also means leaving behind the federal prosecutor thing. And that really is scary to me. It is not just god closing the door on it (how I felt three yrs ago)...it is me walking away from it. And that has a lot of emotional and spiritual ramifications for me.  

I'm not making any moves yet. But I do plan to forego that job and search for more manageable work in about six months. I want to wait it out and keep praying in the meantime. Would really appreciate your own continued prayers for wisdom and clarity. And obedience. Above all, joyful obedience. 

It's not easy, Junior.  Working and caring for you, and looking ahead to more long hours at the office and lack of predictability as to my weekends and weekday evenings would crush me if I didn't know that I am planning an exit within a year.  At the same time, though, there are so many open questions, the biggest one of which is: what does God desire?  

Increasingly, God is teaching me and emboldening me to shed my fear of man.  Well, first -- to recognize and confront my fear of man.  And then to shed it.  But it is not easy.  We live in such a performance-based world, and so far, by the world's standards, Mommy's performance has been pretty good.  I feel that my firm is pushing me in the direction of partnership -- and I'm getting that sense from everyone from senior partners who are suddenly mentoring me to develop a book of business, to the tech guy who told the senior partners several weeks after I started at the job a couple years ago that I would be one of the few to make it.  The flattery and sincere recognition feel good, I'm not going to lie.  But I know the cost that comes with pursuing that road, and it's not a cost that I'm willing to pay, because it comes at your expense.  And Daddy's.  And mine, to too great of a degree.

But what does it mean to step back?  And is there a real viable opportunity to do so that will allow me to still provide financially for this family, and be here for you and whatever siblings may come along -- and be sufficiently satisfying professionally?  Or maybe that all goes back to that thing that people say that you can have it all, just not all at once.

Anyway, the good thing is that our God knows best.  And I have to keep seeking Him and trusting that He will lead.

And you, my Bathands, are now up and cooing.  I need to end this email and get you up.  :)

Love to Bathands

Mommy

Dear Junior: Choosing Faith

Dear Junior,

We're in week 2 of me being back at work, and I just have to say -- it's hard.  Yesterday I thought about quitting.  The only thing that stopped me was the reminder that we have decided to trust God for guidance on when to leave and go elsewhere, and my knee-jerk reaction isn't exactly an act of obedience and trust on that front; that's just taking things into my own hands.  Plus, Daddy--who is much better at looking at the bigger picture--reminded me that things actually are okay... they just seem hard at the moment.

And indeed they do.  It's the perfect storm of circumstances that make me want to quit:  You are sick, and have been for almost a week now.  Your sad hoarse coughing and endless nasal congestion is enough to break any mommy's heart.  I worked six hours last weekend -- a couple hours on both days.  And while that inherently isn't that bad, it was not a nice way to start my return to work, and it makes it hard to imagine that every weekend won't be like that -- or worse.  In addition, Mommy has been getting up early to head out to client meetings and coming home around 6:45 or 7 -- but because you are sick and sleeping extra much, I get even less time with you at night because you are barely awake.  And on top of that, Mommy is now sick, too.  I stayed home from work

​yesterday and today

 and worked from home between naps.

​

And even that felt difficult, because it's not like I got to spend time with you between my naps -- I just spent time doing legal research.  

 (You and I cough together these days.  Kind of cute, in a sad sort of way.)

 

So...all of that makes me want to call up a recruiter and start thinking about a move.  But...I know I should give it a little more time.  God is reminding me of that.

​  Daddy also reminds me that it's hard to start working full-time after four months of no work.  He does have a good point.  He's much better at the big picture than I am.  :)​

In other news, I had another little sad angle to everything

​a couple days ago

 (when I was

​ already​

feeling very low) when I realized after several days of interviews at the client's office that once again I was the only woman in the room--and the most junior person in the room.  I'm perpetually in this situation, working for (wonderful) senior male partners, for senior management clients (who are also great to work with generally), and I am the junior-most person...and the only woman.  It made me sad for you

​--​

that this is the world you, too, will have to contend with in just a couple decades. It is still a man's world, Junior.  When will the tide turn?  

It will take a lot for the tide to turn, little one, and it will take a lot of commitment from women around the country.  But as one of the women who is a prime candidate to chip away at the glass ceiling, I realize how difficult it is to stay the course and keep on fighting.  Why?  See the above paragraphs for 

​just a handful of the reasons.

I'm not sure how we're going to manage these tensions, my ducky.  I guess we just proceed one foot ahead of the next, and keep praying and looking to God.  I keep reminding myself that where He leads, He will provide.  No matter how tumultuous the road ahead may seem, as I look back, I can only see His faithfulness along the way.  Never in a million years would I have imagined, just eight short years ago, that in 2015, I'd be where I am today:  still working at a firm, happily married to the bestest hobey and daddy ever, and mommy to a very special and incredible you.  God has been so generous...it's time to go back and remember, and choose faith in Him who has never failed.

​

Finishing Out the Week With Thankfulness

We finished our first full week back at work!  YAY!

Yes, there were things that were hard:  

• Junior still went on a partial hunger strike, which meant that she didn't eat much during the day and instead just slept/fussed a lot, and then when I came home, she ate like CRAZY (every hour) and three times per night (so much for sleeping through the night).  

• I'm already seeing new changes in her behavior in the evenings when I come home and I say to Mr. Squire - "she does [xyz] now! She didn't do that before!" and he'll say "Yup."  I'm missing the changes as they happen.  

• She's not used to me being gone, so she cries more during the day.  She was even hoarse from the crying this evening.  Poor girl.

But then, there were things that were great, and for all these things we are so thankful:

• No one is sick anymore! At the start of the week, both Abuela (the nanny) and I were sick.  Now we're all well.  And Daddy and Junior both survived without getting sick at all.  Thankful for healing!

• Junior started taking the bottle, at least a little... until last Friday, she wouldn't take ANYTHING.  Ever.  For real.  I was so afraid that she would lose a bunch of weight like her cousin AJ.  But thanks to her patient and persistent daddy, she has been taking increasing amounts of milk (from 3-4 ozs Mon-Thurs, to 7.5 ozs today! Go Bathands! Go Daddy!).  So we still have the hunger strike thing going on a little bit, but it's not a total disaster. And while she had a couple very sad low-diaper-count days, I'm no longer worried about her losing lots of weight. She will be all right.

• The first couple days were quiet at work. Things picked up a lot today. But I'm working with great partners on an interesting case, and it feels good to work the brain again. And I love representing people; this fact-finding stage is one of the most fun stages in a case.  :)  

• I work for a compassionate partner. I had a full day of meetings at the client's office today, and needed to pump.  This can be a tough situation, because you don't want to interrupt everything for the sake of pumping -- but you kind of have to.  And if you aren't working for the right people, that can spell all kinds of awkward disaster.  Thankfully, in God's mercy, I'm working with a compassionate dad who made it his business to find a place for me to comfortably pump and even stood watch outside the door to make sure no one walked in on me.  You can't really ask for more.  Thanks so much, John.

• Mr. Squire is home all the time, which makes everything easier. And he is such a wonderful dad.  Every day, he comes up with more ways to make Junior laugh. Most recently, we caught a video of Daddy the Blue Lion eating "zebra ribs" (Bathands was in her zebra suit today - she really only wears three outfits: her white "polar bear" outfit or her pink and blue zebra outfit by day, or the yellow ducky suit by night).  Their relationship is super-special, and we are all very lucky.  I feel blessed just watching them.

• I also didn't feel like my relationship with Bathands suffered over this week.  Every day I have still gotten smiles and grins... funnily, I found out that she finds it HILARIOUS when I tell her, "A subpoena is where you say, 'Gimme all your documents!' and you say, 'No no no no no no no! Did you ask for them the right way? Are they relevant? Are they described with reasonable particularity? Are they not privileged? Are they within a confined period?"  I also found out that she loves it when I sing the Pink Panther theme.  We also started a couple nice traditions, including me reciting the "I Love You When" book at the beginning and end of every day; me playing piano with her every evening; and dancing and singing "Your Grace Is Enough" together (something I've actually been doing ever since she was really really tiny).  We still get our Mommy and Junior time, and she doesn't fuss much when I'm at home.  Feeling that she still feels attached and connected to me is the biggest gift of all.

• I enjoyed happy reunions with my coworkers.  The place changed a lot while I was gone, and that made me nervous. But then I came back and saw so many folks - from the staff up to the partners - and I realized again how happy I am to work here.  And that was a gift in itself.

We are thankful to God for His continuing provision.  The days will get harder (indeed, I'm working my first weekend back!), but I just keep reminding myself -- God will provide where He has called. And it is here that He has called us right now, and He will be faithful -- as He was this week!

Returning to Work

Dear Junior,

We survived my first day back at work!  Everyone was very kind and welcoming and eager to admire pictures of you.  And although I kept texting Daddy every hour to ask,"How is Bathands?" you were just fine. Still stubborn with the bottle, but otherwise okay. 

And then at 5pm, you finally decided to drink some milk from the bottle! You took 4 ozs altogether, and Daddy and Mommy sighed a very big collective sigh of relief. You still nursed like crazy when Mommy got home, but at least we know you have a limit. 

They are easing me in at work, but things won't always be so easy. And in the good times and bad, moving forward in motherhood and professionally, I want us to remember the following:

To make all decisions in fear of God and not man. 

To remember God called me to be a lawyer here and now.  And at the same time to be Daddy's wifey and Bathands' Mommy.  And God will work out to completion all that he has started. Where He calls, He will provide. 

Love to Bathands,

Mommy

Reflections on Maternity Leave

As the end of maternity leave draws nigh, I am noticing with surprise and gratitude that as each day passes, I am increasingly ready to return to work. As I attempt to ferret out the source of this emerging peace, the simple answer is that God has answered my prayers.  I've been praying for this transition for a long time, and have been asking God to please make the way clear for me.  I also suspect that I am more okay with going back to work because this leave has been so good, in so many ways.  It seems that the satisfaction has been so great that it has taken on a refreshing and restorative quality that equips me to go back.

I headed into my leave with a lot of uncertainty and virtually no expectations, apart from a vague vision of me catching up on books and favorite movies during the many hours of nursing my little bundle.  That, of course, did not happen. Hundreds of hours of nursing DID happen, but few books were read (and I am even behind on my interesting articles!) and not many movies were watched (though we did manage to rematch all five seasons of FNL). All this other (mostly unexpected) stuff took place, though, and it has filled my soul in the most wonderful way.

1.  I spent a lot of time with my family.  Two weeks after Junior's arrival, my parents came to live with us for a while.  Both parents were here for ten days, during which my dad cooked and cleaned like a boss.  Quietly served, without any fanfare.  It reminded me of when he drove me 1100 miles to law school, dropped off me and my stuff, and turned around and drove back home alone.  Not sure if my dad has ever said, "I love you" out loud, but he has certainly shown it.  As for my mom, she stayed the ten days plus an extra twenty days (in addition to coming during my first week of leave, before Junior even arrived).  She fully embraced the role as Junior's Ama, and taught us many things about how to care for her and understand her.  During that time, she also took good care of me -- watching over my health and eating like a hawk, accompanying me on walks outside, and making sure I got as much rest as possible.  She also hung out with Mr. Squire and me, learning to appreciate FNL, cooking shows on the Food Network, and our abundance of fruit and our ridiculous number of snacks from Costco.  I had not spent so much time with my mom since college (during the summers when I was home), and the time together was really lovely.

My brother and his family also came to visit us in January. I hadn't seen them in two years! :( Sad, I know.  They came for a shorter period of time, but it was really great to just hang out with them, reacquainting myself with their daughter, and playing Settlers of Catan, cooking up yummy meals, and enjoying good talks and getting good advice on babycare and disciplining kids.  My brother and his wife may live far from me, but they were very present throughout my pregnancy in terms of enthusiasm, moral support, and lots of advice on all things baby (and baby stuff).  I am so thankful for them, and for the chance we had to spend time in person.

2.  I spent a lot of time with Mr. Squire's family.  I didn't grow up with family nearby, but Junior will grow up with that blessing.  Her grandparents, and all of her uncles and aunties on her dad's side, live within 30-45 minutes.  (And one uncle lives upstairs!)  We see Junior's grandparents at least once a week when they are in town, and we see at least one of her uncles probably every other week.  It's pretty awesome.  Friends are the best in one way -- because you can be so free and open with them about everything.  But family is the best in another way -- because you can't get rid of each other.  You know they belong to you for life.

3.  I learned all sorts of baby care stuff.  I won't deny it -- I have my strengths. In both my professional and personal lives, people generally can agree that I am pretty competent when it comes to most things.  Cooking, baking, cleaning, socializing, humorizing, communicating, caring, analyzing, serving.  But there are two ginormous exceptions:  athletics, and anything child-related.  For real:  it's like I am allergic to anything spherical (hence ruling our baseballs, basketballs, golfballs, tennis balls, soccer balls...).  And I am more or less helpless around children.  I just don't know what to do with them. 

Sooooo...more than a few (including me!) were eager to see how I would fare with my own little baby girl.  All I have to say is -- it has been a learning process!  Every single thing about caring for Junior has taken practice for me:

Breastfeeding took us several weeks to get down pat -- and even now, there are times when I don't know what to do because the flow is too fast and makes her gag and cough.  :(  

Learning how to dress Junior was a challenge from day one.  That soft skull freaks me out! Sometimes even now, I sweat when I am attempting to get her head through the head hole (and I only dress her in clothes with enormous head holes, or -- even better -- the snaps, so that I don't have to deal with putting her head through anything).  I can never keep her socks on (and plus, footed pajamas are my faaaavorite!), so she never wears pants and instead wears pjs.  Every day.  Al day long.  :)  And forget about swaddling -- I never mastered it, and instead opted for the wonderful velcro-swaddle (and in any event, we dropped the swaddle pretty quickly because she likes her hands free).  But at the very least, I know how to dress her now.  I'm not super-fast at it, and I still have to remind myself aloud to make sure "allll the fingers make safe passage through" the sleeve, but I can do it.  Go me!

Changing diapers was always Daddy's job.  He has changed probably 9-9.5 diapers for every 1 that I have changed. Soo...again, takes me a little longer. And the first few times, I was like -- how does this work? Stickers go where?? But I can do it now.  

As for bathtime, I had to learn how to get in all those folds... and it took me a couple months before I discovered the joy (for her--and I guess also for me) of infant massage.  So now we know how to do that, and it's part of her bedtime routine (she loves the foot massage best -- I don't blame her!).

Playing was probably the hardest to learn, though.  Early on, I went into major teaching mode with Junior.  Everything was a lesson about colors, shapes, fruits, smells, sounds, grammar and spelling, or faith and morals.  I talked to Junior a lot, but always in teaching mode.  This was fine early on, but as I emerged from my sleep deprivation, I gradually realized that Junior was smiling more and more at Daddy.  Mommy didn't get as many smiles.  And that's when Mommy learned the difficult lesson of loosening up and having fun with my kid.  I had to learn to make funny faces and noises, and to stop worrying so much about teaching, and just enjoy playing.  Even now, it's hard for me.  But I'm getting better at it... just today, I ran around the apartment for ten minutes during her tummy time, just to entertain her.  Sure, I snuck in some education (emphasizing the prepositions -- "running IN to the bedroom!"  "running AROUND my Bathands!" "running OUT into the hallway!"), but mostly, it was just fun.  And Junior smiles at me every day now, mostly when I am nice and relaxed and just enjoying being in her presence.  

4. In later weeks, my bond with Junior deepened.  Early on, I was just trying to survive from day to day -- get Junior fed successfully, make sure she had enough output, get that head through the headhole, try to understand her crying, make sure she got sleep... and get some sleep myself.  As the weeks went on and the tasks became more familiar, I was able to turn my focus more toward bonding with Junior -- observing her, learning her expressions and personality, and simply spending time together.  I spent many an hour snuggling with her, rocking her, singing to her, and carrying her.  Every morning, we pull her up into our bed (because she naps better there), and Daddy watches her as Mommy catches up on sleep.  But some mornings, I do the morning snuggle and just watch her smile in her sleep.  And slowly, she inches towards me until she is snuggled right against me. It is the best thing ever.

Junior also has a new habit: she tracks whichever parent is not holding her.  She definitely recognizes my voice and face, and she gives me the sweetest smiles that just brighten my day.  I wouldn't feel okay about returning to work without a strong bond with my girl -- but I think we have it.  I certainly feel it, and I think she does too. 

5. My community came through for me.  I can't believe that I've been at my church for seven years now.  That's longer (by almost double) than my stint at any other church apart from the one I grew up in.  This is the first church community that I've truly felt integral to -- a community that I not only love, but feel is my family. (There have been other churches that I have loved dearly, but did not feel sufficiently a part of to consider it family.)  And when Junior arrived, I felt my church family truly come through for me in a way that no other church community has done for me before.  They prayed for us throughout the pregnancy.  They visited us in the hospital. They trekked out to New Jersey to visit.  (She had more than 60 visitors in the first ten weeks of her life!)  They came and cooked.  Or they came and brought food.  Or they sent food over.  They truly celebrated her arrival, and they care for her whenever we are together.  Junior gets passed around church like a prized treasure on Sundays, and the love she receives from all of her aunties and uncles is truly touching. 

6.  Much time was spent in prayer and reflection.  All those hours of nursing in the wee hours (and even those not in the wee hours), and many hours of sleeplessness that followed, were conducive to rich times of prayer and reflection and reading the Bible.  The combined helplessness in new parenting, anxieties over returning to work, and the magnitude of raising up a child in Christ all made me seek God all the more, with the realization that He alone could help me execute my duties correctly -- and help me to love Junior as He has called me to.  I am thankful for this season of increased meditation and crying out to God... my need for it will only increase as I return to work and as Junior grows, so all the better that those muscles were strengthened now.