Dear Junior,
There's a lot to catch you up on. Where to begin?
Let's start with you.
You are four and a half months old now. We took you to the doctor last week and it turns out that you are continuing to grow very well and pretty consistently. You're still 95th percentile (26 inches) in length! Go Bathands! Your tall genes from both sides are shining through. I expect you'll be taller than Mommy and that is okay with me.
These days, you are much more social. You smile a ton every day, especially when you are well-rested, but even when you're not. You smile when you see Mommy and Daddy, when Mommy starts singing her song ("You are my Bathands, my only Bathands...") to you, when Daddy pretends to try to eat you ("Mmm...zebra ribs...plump...juicy...ribs!"), or even when he's just licking his lips in preparation. You are so used to the Timber game that all we have to say is, "There I was..." in a particular tone, and you give us a big grin. But we finish anyway, with some version of "There I was, sitting at the top of a mountain, all by myself, the last conifer left. And I thought I had survived the chopping season because it was spring already! But then all of a sudden, I heard...bzz bzzz buzz....chopchopchopchopchopchop ...3...2...1.... TIMMMMM-BERRRRR!" You also smile when you see yourself in the mirror, or when you don't have clothes on, right before your bath. Little exhibitionist. :)
You are much better at grabbing things now, and you looove grabbing anything and everything: Mommy's hair, the straps on Mommy's clothes, Daddy's hair, Daddy's face, Mommy's face, blankets, Temper (your bear)'s fur, JJ (Mommy's donkey)'s face, Mr. Sabbs (your string and ball toy from Auntie Laura), and--of course--anything that Mommy and Daddy are eating at dinner. We have to be careful that you don't swipe away our bowls onto the floor! But we love to see that you are so active.
You ace tummy time now, and even spent almost an hour on the floor one day this past week. You are also much more vocal, babbling and cooing and vocalizing a lot more. You have this weird vocalization that freaked Mommy out a little -- it's hard to describe, but it didn't sound very pleasant. Your abuela and Daddy agree, however, that it's just you trying out sounds and trying to talk. So exciting!
Speaking of sounds, every day, Mommy continues to sit at the piano with you and play and sing a worship song. And every day, you reach--with both hands--to strike keys on the piano. Maybe you'll take a real interest in learning piano one day. That would be fine with me, but no pressure. In the meantime, I just hope to expose you to the joy of music and daily worship.
The only problem we're having right now is your sleep regression. The dreaded four-month sleep regression. Every night, you wake up at least three (sometimes four) times to eat, and in between, you stir and wake and cry sometimes. So even though Mommy goes to bed when you do (around 9:45) and wakes up to go to work sometime between 7 and 8 (depending on the day), I'm still not getting nearly enough sleep on most days. We are trying to be strict about having you sleep in your crib, but you looooove sleeping with Mommy and Daddy in the big bed. So we let you -- but only in the morning, around 6 or 7. And then you sleep like a rock for a good three hours. Oh, little ducky. And sometimes you smile in your sleep, and we suspect it might be like a "muahahaha, I'm in the big bed" type of smile. Probably not, but it's fun to imagine.
So, as you see, you continue to bring us immense joy in every respect. We love you so, Ducky. I take such joy in all things about you -- from your soft little head, to your sweet smiles and coos, to your curious eyes, to your soft and dimpled bathands, to your cute feet (whether hidden away in footed pajamas, or out and about for you to see and discover), to every little way in which you surprise and delight us. I understand the joy of parenting, and it has strengthened my understanding of how God must feel about me. It amazes me that a parent can delight in his or her child to this degree, and it is a blessing to think that God looks at me the way I look at you (and probably even more so, because He is love and He is perfect).
So let's talk about me. Rather than reinventing the wheel, let me share an excerpt of an email I sent to Auntie Lu and Auntie Rachel last week:
This last weekend I didn't work--well, I did half an hour on Saturday but that doesn't really count. And I was home all day Friday bc Junior had a doc appt (well visit--we are thankful she is continuing to grow well! Didn't gain as much due to bottle strike but she did still gain. And still 95th percentile in length!). We had a very fun weekend, and Bathands was super smiley and fun and engaging. She was also super fussy yesterday afternoon til this morning and I'm not sure what that is all about, but overall we just had a really great weekend together. And we got to have friends over for dinner, I got to go upstairs and see my neighbors to pass on some dessert, and dris and Mel came over for lunch yesterday.
Why am I sharing this? Because I am really happy. I feel rested and happy and satisfied with the time I had at home. And I am convinced now more than ever--I have got to leave this job and assume one that allows me to do this all the time. One that allows this to be the norm, not the exception.
Yesterday Harvey and I had a really good talk about this exact thing--he is essentially in the same boat--and we talked about the difficulties in forgoing opportunities and continuing to climb the ladder in light of our educational and work histories and trajectories, the fear of man (ie me worrying about others in law thinking I'm a dud for jumping off the train) versus the fear of god (ie having guts to be obedient to whatever it is god calls us to--even if it means confronting the fear of man...and might that humiliation be the cross we are called to bear?), challenging our own notions of what it means to bring glory to god (so often we tell ourselves that we bring glory to god by being successful at work and being Christian--and that certainly can be true for some. But for me, is it just that I want to be great for my own glory? Might be. I need god to show me the truth of my own heart), and having a deep understanding of what it is that god has called us to -- and for me, I know at least part of that calling is raising Gracie up in Christ and teaching her to follow him and serve him.
I was very encouraged by my talk with Harvey because it hit on so many of the tensions I've been thinking about and that Mr. Squire and I (and other faithful ones, like you both) have been praying about. It felt very much like affirmation from god (maybe bc I trust Harvey spiritually so much) that I'm on the right track in my thinking about work and leaving this lifestyle. The scary part is that it also means leaving behind the federal prosecutor thing. And that really is scary to me. It is not just god closing the door on it (how I felt three yrs ago)...it is me walking away from it. And that has a lot of emotional and spiritual ramifications for me.
I'm not making any moves yet. But I do plan to forego that job and search for more manageable work in about six months. I want to wait it out and keep praying in the meantime. Would really appreciate your own continued prayers for wisdom and clarity. And obedience. Above all, joyful obedience.
It's not easy, Junior. Working and caring for you, and looking ahead to more long hours at the office and lack of predictability as to my weekends and weekday evenings would crush me if I didn't know that I am planning an exit within a year. At the same time, though, there are so many open questions, the biggest one of which is: what does God desire?
Increasingly, God is teaching me and emboldening me to shed my fear of man. Well, first -- to recognize and confront my fear of man. And then to shed it. But it is not easy. We live in such a performance-based world, and so far, by the world's standards, Mommy's performance has been pretty good. I feel that my firm is pushing me in the direction of partnership -- and I'm getting that sense from everyone from senior partners who are suddenly mentoring me to develop a book of business, to the tech guy who told the senior partners several weeks after I started at the job a couple years ago that I would be one of the few to make it. The flattery and sincere recognition feel good, I'm not going to lie. But I know the cost that comes with pursuing that road, and it's not a cost that I'm willing to pay, because it comes at your expense. And Daddy's. And mine, to too great of a degree.
But what does it mean to step back? And is there a real viable opportunity to do so that will allow me to still provide financially for this family, and be here for you and whatever siblings may come along -- and be sufficiently satisfying professionally? Or maybe that all goes back to that thing that people say that you can have it all, just not all at once.
Anyway, the good thing is that our God knows best. And I have to keep seeking Him and trusting that He will lead.
And you, my Bathands, are now up and cooing. I need to end this email and get you up. :)
Love to Bathands
Mommy
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