Brain Dump

It's hard for me to pinpoint exactly what's swimming around in the soup of my brain these days -- lots of swirling thoughts all the time.  I feel silly doing a brain dump here, but I'm going to do it anyway because I think there is value in reflecting.

I'm looking at my orchid Margherita (I've been calling her Marguerite, but I think her name is actually supposed to be Margherita). She has no flowers left.  Still, I count it as a victory that she is still standing, and her leaves are healthy.  I've had a very bad run with houseplants in this apartment (even my succulent died! what!) and I smugly remind Mr. Squire occasionally that she is not only surviving, but thriving.  (Mr. Squire likes to joke about my black thumb, and suggested that we name our now-dead poinsettia plant "Lazarus.")

My birthday is coming up.  Another year has passed.  Not a whole lot has changed, except I'm developing wrinkles around my eyes and I have significantly more white hair now than I did last year or at any time before.  I'm okay with all of this, particularly because one of the guys on the breadline last week thought I was in high school. Hehehe. Plus, as Pastor Enoch pointed out, what's the problem with age?  God teaches us in the Bible that age and wisdom are blessings to be sought after, not attributes to be ashamed of.

I've been thankful for how God has been stretching the little free time I have these days.  Last weekend, for instance, I worked during the better part of Saturday, but the evening still felt long because Mr. Squire and I went out for a nice dinner, watched a movie, and stayed up late.  I pray for more of the same type of blessing because I need it.

Been trying to be more diligent about calling my parents more often.  I used to call them every day.  But then when I went home over break, it was so weird with my mom that I lost a lot of motivation to call home again.  But then I think about the fact that no day is guaranteed, and I don't ever want to look back in regret because I didn't talk to them more often--especially since I don't see them hardly ever anymore.  (Sadness...makes me really sad...)  Now they are both retired, and I am thrilled for them.  I am also so, so thankful that through two (three?) major economic downturns, they never lost their jobs -- God shielded them, and us, from that burden.  It is such a tough economy now and I have great compassion for those who lose their jobs, or can't find them.  It's hard.  I am thankful for my job and for my colleagues, and for Mr. Squire's ability to work as well.

It's harder to connect with people when I'm busy.  I was convicted about the need to keep my door open at work, though, so I've been doing that.  It takes discipline and will power for me to actually set aside time to talk with people (because really, I just want to sit and crank out my work), but I was reminded that blessing others in my workplace requires real presence.  And real presence requires real interaction (duhhh).  And real interaction requires creating opportunity for that (by not closing my door).  It's hard somedays, but I'm trying.

I came home last night to find Doggy and JJ on the bed, as pictured.  No one can say Mr. Squire doesn't totally understand me.  :)  These little gestures make life really fun.

I'm tired.  Physically tired, because I still have time to sleep, but I haven't been sleeping well (I dream about work every night, and I frequently wake up early without the ability to fall back asleep).  I'm also emotionally tired, but I'm not quite sure why.  I feel weary, particularly with respect toward church.  I don't think I'm supposed to say that out loud, but there it is.  Going to church every week and meeting with my community is all at once a tremendous blessing every week and a big battle.  It's such a weird dynamic, but I'm very happy and vary weary there, all at the same time.  I chalk this up to my own issues, rather than the church's issues, because I'm just in a very strange place right now, and I'm not processing it very well (or at all).  I hope this passes, and that in the meantime, I don't ruin a bunch of relationships with people whom I actually love.  Regrettably, I keep forgetting (or taking for granted, rather) that this is the first real church community I've had -- like, ever.  Why am I now so freaking picky and critical?  Must be my teenage years -- I'm reverting to adolescent angst.  But why?  Wish I knew.  Hope I can figure it out and move on.