Life is evolving. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I am *really* glad that pregnancy is a nine-month process. I would not be ready for all the change that lies ahead if it came any quicker.
This feels slow. I see my (wonderful, amazing, superbly awesome) OB every four weeks... and in-between, life goes on at a pace that seems manageable. I often find myself thinking, "Oh, I don't see her again for another two weeks??" This is a good thing. I need things to be slow. Because the changes are coming, one by one.
To begin with, I'm now tipping the scales at my 2008 weight level (i.e. what I weighed when I first met Mr. Squire--right before I promptly lost ten pounds in three months due to the stress of my first job). The jeans are getting tighter, the pencil skirts are *definitely* getting tighter, and I throw away all the Ann Taylor coupons that come in the mail, because there's no way I will fit into that stuff for at least another year.
Moving away from the superficial, Junior is changing. The tiny grey blob with a pulsating spot for a heart on the screen is now (as of yesterday) a bigger grey blob with identifiable fists, a mouth that opened and closed for Mommy and Daddy, and legs and feet crossed Indian-style. Keep that flexibility up, Junior, and you'll always one-up your daddy on something (Mr. Squire is unable to sit cross-legged -- it's really funny to watch him try).
We are also getting ready to move out of Brooklyn and across the Hudson to New Jersey. We are in an incredibly blessed position to have an apartment all picked out and ready to go (once the last of the short-term tenants moves out at the end of July). So now we are in Home Depot mode: shopping for black-out curtains and curtain rods, hunting for suitable bookshelves (time to put the stuffies away in a bookshelf with windows so Junior's grubby hands can't find them), figure out appropriate lighting, and conquer once and for all Mr. Squire's penchant for piles. Time for a *real* closet system! I guess this is the nesting phase that I never had when we got married: when you live in a 350-square-foot apartment in the City, there's no need for nesting. There's practically nothing to nest. No room for real storage: just put things where they fit! (Hence why everything from Gatorade to shoes to cans of chicken soup have resided under our bed for the last three years.) I'm ready to move away from that, and I'm taking poor Mr. Squire with me. Muahahaha.
At work, things continue to be busy busy busy as we gear up for trial and as I chip away at my baby, a Second Circuit brief on a criminal matter that I care deeply about. (I'm hoping that the government will consent to kick oral argument til after my maternity leave so I can still do it myself...otherwise, maybe I'll just do it in the middle of maternity leave?) I also have a couple other matters that are lingering around in discovery or mediation mode. Bottom line: there's a lot going on for this expectant momma. And a year ago, looking ahead, I would have thought that I would be a semi-wreck. An exhausted, overstressed, overanxious semi-wreck. Which is why I never wanted to be pregnant while working in this job.
But...again -- change. Something has changed. If you look at my hours, they are just as long as they have ever been (or longer). I work six days a week on most weeks. But something is different--and I love it: I'm not freaking out. I'm actually pretty calm as a cucumber (relative to my old self, at least) on most days. I've learned who I can trust, and I delegate to them as much as I can. And as for the rest? I've realized that not everything has to get done rightthissecond. And there are some tasks that just have to travel from Monday's to-do list, to Tuesday's, to Wednesday's, to Thursday's...and guess what? The world did not end because I did not get them done by Monday morning at 11am. The partners still trust me, and I'm still churning out work that I'm proud of. Something changed mentally along the way. Part of me thinks that it is perspective from having Junior on the way. But part of me also remembers praying for freedom from anxiety and panicking at work--and I think God has answered those prayers.
I wouldn't say things have necessarily changed with Mr. Squire, except for the fact that we talk about Junior a lot more now. He is as fun and funny and wonderful as ever. We have so much fun in our marriage, and it is awesome. I think the thing that has changed there has again been a mental shift: it's never going to be just the two of us ever again! The thought is exciting to me, but also makes me treasure all of our "just us" moments all the more. Today I worked in the morning, then took a long break as we walked from Brooklyn Heights to Chinatown for soup dumplings at Shanghai Cafe under a clear blue sky. On that 50-minute walk over the Brooklyn Bridge, we talked about our Denver property and the big decisions that lie ahead there, we talked about his work, and mine, and stuff we need to do at Home Depot (of course). We savored our soup dumplings, then "window-shopped" at the tens of fruit stands on the side streets before settling on the one fruit stand that was selling good blueberries at the cheapest price. Then we went to the Honeymoon-tastealike shop for my first experience of mango sago in this time zone (Mr. Squire has hunted long and hard for a US equivalent of my favorite dessert place in Hong Kong, and he finally found it!), then we hit up Taipan Bakery for some fresh-out-of-the-oven egg tarts. We trained home and I worked for a few more hours before we did part two of our "date night" -- uber-delicious pizza at Luzzo's, followed by $1 Redbox rental of "Despicable Me 2." It was a perfect day with my rascal. And the days will *never* be this simple again. Not for a long, long time. That realization is new--and it makes the days more precious.
I think my relationship with my mom is also changing. We finally told my parents about Junior last weekend. I wasn't expecting the warm reception that we got, and with my mom in particular, I sense real excitement that has (thankfully) been kind of melting away some of the bitterness from the last few months. She's not just excited for herself because she gets to be a grandma again... she wrote in her email to me this week that she was "SO happy for" me. As in, so excited for me and the blessing of motherhood to fall on me. It reminded me that as much as my mom is complicated and can be difficult to understand, and therefore can be difficult to work with and love sometimes (especially since I am not the most forbearing person on the planet--and that's an understatement), my mom really does love me. That reminder alone has been extremely powerful. I've been waiting for (and, more recently, praying for) this shift. I'm really glad that it's happening.
So...a lot of things happening all at once. But kind of slowly, which is what I need. I'm so glad for that, and in that--in all of this--I see God's hand in my life. I do feel blessed. I do feel like this is a good time in my life. When my venerated older brother Chris came to visit from Beijing just a couple weeks ago, he prayed for Mr. Squire and me, and he prayed for Junior. One of his prayers that I thought was kind of hokey at the time was that he prayed that throughout the pregnancy, Junior would be surrounded by good thoughts, by good feelings, by goodness. I thought -- that's a little too touchy-feely, la-dee-da for me! But... I see it. And I think God is honoring Chris's prayers. Junior is (at least so far) coming into the world in a good, happy, contented, blessed environment. What a rich blessing for our child from his Heavenly Father. Thank You, Lord.
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