More Growing Pains

Yesterday I finally broke down.  

There was Junior, "standing up" on Daddy's lap, as Daddy did his usual thing:  "You're a conifer, just minding your own business. But it's Christmas time! So out of nowhere, bzzzzz! bzzzz! bzzzzzz! Chop chop chop chop chop.... TIMMM-BERRRRRRRR!!!!" And down Junior "timbered" onto Daddy's shoulder, flashing a joyful smile on the way down.  Daddy is so much fun.  

Several weeks ago, Junior started to recognize my face.  And for a while, every day after her 7am feeding, she sat up on my lap, brightened as she recognized my face (I could see the pieces clicking together in her brain), and smiled the sweetest smile.  And some days I would even get these soft little coos.  I love you, Mommy, she seemed to be saying.  I love you, too, Bathands, I would reply with endless delight.

Recently, though, Mommy hasn't been getting those smiles... nor has she heard many coos.  Daddy, in the meantime, gets smile after smile after smile.  And Mommy's heart has been breaking into a bunch of pieces.  Yesterday I cried for several hours over worry, sadness, disappointment, and frustration.  I'm the one who nurses her throughout the day--and night.  I'm the one who is the master at rocking her to sleep during naps.  I'm the one who is her mom!  And if she stopped recognizing my face now--when I am still home full-time--what would happen upon my return to work??  I was heartbroken.

Everything came to a head yesterday, but I had been feeling the mounting anxieties for some time.  I took some time by myself to reflect in the deep cold yesterday evening, and to spend some time with God, asking Him for help.  I didn't want my baby girl to know her mommy was hurting.  I didn't want her to know I was disappointed and worried.  That's not her burden to bear.  But I needed a way forward.

I don't have much of an epiphany following my reflection.  I wish I did, but I don't.  Mr. Squire has been very encouraging, but this is an issue I probably need to work through by myself -- it arises in large part from a bunch of my own baggage from my own upbringing.  The only thing I know is that I want to continue to protect Junior, and I just need to keep going, showering her with love and letting that be enough.  Mr. Squire insists that she loves me, and will continue to love me, throughout her life.  And he is convinced that she recognizes me and delights in me -- maybe I just don't see it all the time?  (As a side note, she did give me an inordinate number of smiles today--perhaps to make up for the last while?)

The thing I did gain from my reflection, though, was pondering God's heartbreak when I don't turn to Him with delight, when I don't recognize Him as my Father -- as the one who cares for me and protects me and loves me.  Having experienced the pain of perceived distance from my child, I had to repent of the many, many, MANY times I have turned to others before God for the things that He alone can provide as the Holy Father.  I had a renewed appreciation for God's desire not just for my trust (see previous post) but also my delight and love and affection -- and at least, last night, I responded by turning to Him for comfort and love in the shadows.