So, so, SO many good things happening these days:
It's been a light week at work. People are leaving me alone in recognition of the last nine months and my need for a bit of reprieve. I appreciate not having to ask for this; it is a given. I continue to be so grateful for the people at my firm, and my trial team in particular. The work was hard, the hours were long, but the people were always great. And that made such a difference.
I met up for dinner with a sister who needed encouragement and prayer. She said she didn't recall the last time I was free for dinner on a weekday. I reminded her that we have never met on a weeknight for dinner; my schedule just doesn't allow it -- except now!
We have planned a little replacement trip for the vacation that we had to cancel back in August. In all of 2014, I have taken just two vacation days and worked almost every holiday. But I'm taking all of next week off! Woohoo!
Yesterday I left work early to come home and (drumroll please) begin unpacking! (We jumped the gun a bit; I just couldn't help myself.) The first bag I unpacked (of course) was my bag of stuffies, which Mr. Squire had labeled "kidnapped pillows" (to which they each protest, "I'm a pet, not a pillow!"). It was so nice to see their cute faces and to pet their fur again, and to place them in their little windowed apartment in our room. I proceeded to unpack about ten more bags, and our furniture is moved back into place, the shelves and drawers are back in. Still quite a few bags to go, but we are getting there! I'm so, so SO SO excited.
It's getting tougher and tougher to move around. My morning workouts have become more painful, and I find myself lowering the treadmill pace a notch every couple of days (I held out at 4 mph for quite some time.... about six weeks ago, I had to decrease to 3.8mph, and by several weeks ago I was down to 3.5mph. Today, sadly, I could really only go 3.3mph), but I am thankful that I am still able to work out and keep my body moving -- even if it's moving slower than usual.
So... lots of good things going on. And I've acquired at least some distance from the worst days, which are behind us. On this upswing (which, coupled with the brisk air of my absolute favorite season, makes life extra-glorious), I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on what God may have intended by guiding us through all of this. And I have a couple thoughts on that, which I want to record here so that I do not forget:
1. I have said this tentatively before, and continue to believe it may well be true: I actually think all of this was some sort of answer to our prayers. Since wayyy early in this pregnancy, Mr. Squire and I have prayed a number of prayers on a daily basis: (1) that Junior would grow up to love, follow, and serve Jesus from a young age and throughout all of her days; (2) that Mr. Squire and I would be loving, wise, and patient parents who reflect Christ to her and our other children; and (3) that God would prepare us to be parents who please Him, and that we would be good partners in parenting and continue to grow and thrive in our marriage at the same time.
So...that's been a prayer throughout, and then all of this happened in between. Now that I'm in a much better place--and more on the outside than on the inside of that drama--I can see how this experience has proven an important fact to me: Mr. Squire and I don't just get along swimmingly when things are good and easy; we also work together well and support each other well through the hard times. I learned throughout the bedbug experience just how strong my hobey really is. He had like one or two days of shellshock, and then something clicked in him, and he just went to war against the bug with steely resolve and an uncomplaining spirit. I, on the other hand, lacked said steely resolve and certainly lacked an uncomplaining spirit--and he helped encourage me day after day after day to keep going, one foot in front of the other.
Also, when we were in our extended holding pattern of living in the bags (which...we're just emerging from now - woo!) but I was in the uber-busy pretrial phase and my hours were getting longer and longer, he was an incredible support in a wide variety of ways. It can't have been easy for him. And it certainly wasn't easy for me -- bedbugs, late pregnancy, trial -- but we got through it together, and leaned heavily on each other for support and strength, rather than picking at each other.
It reassures me to know--having witnessed it firsthand--that we can go through difficult, unexpected, challenging trials together, and we won't fall apart... we'll find it in ourselves and in our God and our relationship to make it through. Because parenting, I expect, will be filled with difficult, unexpected, challenging stuff -- stuff that you can't work around, you just have to go through. I have greater confidence now that we can, with God's help, do it.
2. The other thing that made a big impression on me through all of this was the strength of our community in surrounding us with prayer. There were days -- many days -- when I felt so, so weak. Early on, I just kept a lot of it bottled up inside. And then I reached a point when I realized that I needed help from outside. I'm not very good at asking for help; it doesn't come naturally to me. I like to help others, but I don't really like being helped (by most people, anyway). But the situation got so bad that I had to reach out to my women's group and a couple other close sisters at church for prayer. I wrote them long emails as the weeks went on -- poured out everything, my frustration, my sadness, my feelings that this would never end.
And they met me. They didn't judge me for being weak; they didn't try to fix my problems; they didn't try to tell me all the reasons why my situation wasn't actually so bad. Instead, they prayed for me--and I actually felt God give me renewed strength in answer (I believe) to their prayers. And when I returned to church, they each showed love in their own ways: one would just walk up to me, week after week, and give me the longest, most heartfelt hug. Others would just come up and ask for an update and just listen. Another wrapped Simon and me in a prayer cloth that she picked up during her missions trip to Mozambique and prayed over us. Another dropped by during my workday and brought me cookies. Another brought cheesybread from Wegman's. Another brought KIND bars (my favorite!) from Costco. And they all sent emails to check in and offer encouragement.
I experienced Christ's love in a whole new way through this--and through them. And I don't think I could have experienced it quite in the same way without going down to the depths where we've been for the last couple months. Was it hard? You bet it was. Was it worth it? ... for all of this? I think so. I say that cautiously, because the past couple months have truly been awful. But they also have truly been eye-opening, in a very good way.
It's one of my favorite things to say (because I think it is so true) that God is always at work behind the veil. There is all sorts of crazy, awful stuff going on in the world--things far, far worse than what I've experienced in my little microcosm of life. But I do believe that God is mighty to save, He is love and wisdom itself, and His ways are so much higher than ours. He is working; He is not sleeping. And while we cannot make sense of so many things now, we will one day -- and we will be in awe and wonder at how it all works together. That line from a Chris Rice song says it well: "Something tells me all these years of memories / are only the first sentence of eternity."
