Weekend to Remember

This past weekend, Mr. Squire and I joined ten friends from church to attend a weekend-long marriage seminar near Philly.  The seminar covered a whole host of topics - including barriers to oneness in marriage, how the ways in which we communicate can foster oneness, priorities in marriage, how God calls men and women to different roles and responsibilities in marriage, and how godly marriages can leave lasting legacies.  A smattering of reactions and reflections from the weekend:

• Like premarital counseling was for us, not much in this seminar was new to us.  We had already thought about and/or were exercising many of the things that were raised.  But it is always good to hear them again.  Encouragements to stay grounded in the Word, to pray together daily (something I'm so happy we have done from day one), to be open and communicative, to remember that our spouse is not the enemy, to prioritize our marriage as foremost and second only to our relationship with God...these were great reminders, particularly we look to move to the next stage in our life.

• I realized during some of my own reflections that there are a number of ways in which I want to improve as a wife:

• With greater frequency, I want to think before I speak.  Mr. Squire and I are very comfortable with each other.  We operate on the same wavelength the majority of the time, and we are very playful.  We gently tease a lot.  But there can be a fine line between a gentle tease and a passive-aggressive jab.  Mr. Squire is not very passive-aggressive, so that's not something he really struggles with.  But I can be very passive-aggressive, so I know that in my heart, sometimes my "gentle tease" is more of a "nudge-nudge," or even an outright complaint.  There are ways to deal with complaints, and instead of resorting to passive-aggressive hints, I should deal with those issues outright (thoughtfully and kindly, at the right time, and in the right manner).  Moreover, sometimes I find myself telling stories about Mr. Squire at his expense to others, because I find them funny.  And they are funny.  And Mr. Squire is embarrassed by practically nothing, so I know it doesn't hurt him in any way.  But...that's a pretty low bar.  The question should be, am I honoring him with my words at all times, particularly in public?  Do I really need to tell those stories? (Aren't there other stories to tell, and at my own expense?)   Mr. Squire has never complained about this.  But I feel that it is time for me to think before I speak in that way as well.

• With greater frequency, I want to strive to put Mr. Squire's needs above my own.  I have to say:  I totally lucked out in this marriage.  Mr. Squire is one of the most selfless people I know.  As one of four children, he had plenty of experience with sharing, being inconvenienced, being flexible.  As the youngest of two children, I had plenty of experience with being babied (though thankfully not spoiled), rarely being inconvenienced, and being inflexible.  So...just as every marriage has a saver and a spender, every marriage has a giver and a taker.  Don't get me wrong:  Mr. Squire would agree with me that I do a lot of things for our relationship and in our home.  But in so many other ways, I feel like he is definitely the giver, and I am the taker.  I get my way more often on so many things because his opinions just aren't so strong, so he yields to mine since the issues matter more to me.  Take restaurants for instance.  I'll eat anything except French, Vietnamese, and Indonesian.  Mr. Squire doesn't care about French or Indonesian food, but he happens to really enjoy Vietnamese food.  But whenever we eat out together, we never  go to a Vietnamese place.  Sometimes I offer, but he never goes for it because he knows I don't like it, and he says he is ambivalent about it -- and then I let him have his way, by having my way.  It's a petty example, but it's representative of something bigger.  The bottom line is that I need to be more extravagant in my efforts to put his needs and wants above my own.  In the restaurant case, that means insisting on going to a Vietnamese place from time to time.  I can do that -- I just don't.  I should start.

• I want to grow in wisdom and groundedness in Jesus and the Word.  As we look to the next stage, I am realizing how much more important it will be for me to be completely grounded in Jesus in order to keep my priorities straight and glorify God in our marriage.  God has been so good to us so far, and we are doing so well.  But we do not know what tomorrow may bring.  And I need to prepare myself and equip myself -- literally armor myself with spiritual strength through Jesus -- in order to do my job right.  That's actually the best thing I can do for my husband.

• The seminar felt a lot like the Midwest culture in which I was raised.  They talk a certain way, they tell certain types of jokes, they tell certain types of stories, they react to the jokes and stories in a certain type of way.  They are salt-of-the-earth, wholly committed people.  And they hold a certain set of beliefs.  One of those beliefs (it seemed) was that a woman's place is primarily in the home.  She might also work out of necessity under extenuating circumstances, but her place is really in the home.  I bristled at that notion.  But I'd like to pursue it further.  I don't want to continue working if/when the kids come just because the culture in which I find myself now says that it is acceptable and indeed necessary or even laudable.   But I also don't want to quit working just because the culture in which I was raised essentially bullies me into thinking that I must do so in order to live a life of full obedience.  What does God say?  What does He require?  What is His plan for us?  I'd like to seek and find that -- and spend some good time during the coming months figuring that out.  I have no idea how, but I want to pursue that issue.

• Beyond the intentional time Mr. Squire and I enjoyed in working on our marriage, it was really encouraging and cool to be able to attend the seminar with ten of our friends -- five married couples whom we truly love, respect, and trust.  What a privilege it is to journey with brothers and sisters and strive toward strong, godly marriages together.  That is a rare gift.

At the end of the seminar, we all renewed our vows, which was a nice recommitment to God and to our spouses.  I was encouraged and blessed by this weekend to remember all the blessings God has bestowed -- and my responsibility to be wise and judicious in how I steward and nurture such blessings.