Marriage Advice

I was recently asked to offer some marriage advice to a friend who's getting married in a couple months.  It was a good opportunity to reflect on the things I've learned about marriage over the last several years.  Here's what I wrote:

Things to remember when things are not going so well

• Your spouse is not your enemy.  It can feel like your spouse is your enemy when the job is stressing you out, the dishes haven't been done, and you feel like you can't get any attention.  But your spouse is never your enemy; Satan always is.  And Satan wants nothing more than to sow discord in your marriage.  Don't let him!  Focus on communicating and working with your spouse to get at the heart of the issue.

• Gratitude is key.  Expressing gratitude is even more key.  Mr. Squire and I don't really fight hardly ever, but once in a while we get a little snippy or impatient.  When this happened over the course of a couple days last year, we started a game called the "Appreciation Game," in which we take turns stating things that we appreciate about each other.  We just keep going back and forth until we both feel fully loved and appreciated again.  We pull out the Appreciation Game whenever we feel ourselves sliding toward snippiness.  And every time, it works wonders because (a) it forces each of us to verbalize our gratitude for the other, and (b) it allows each of us to hear and be reminded of why the other person appreciates us.  

• God is pleased when we humble ourselves and say that we're sorry.  Being the first to apologize is NEVER easy.  But the sooner one of you does it, the better.  The road to recovery almost always starts with an apology.  To my own shame, Mr. Squire is almost always the first to apologize.  I am deeply grateful for and in awe of his humility, and it is definitely a way in which I feel his deep love for me and for God.

• Humor is a great way to defuse a situation!  I'm not good at it.  If you'd like to learn more, feel free to ask Mr. Squire: he's a master at this.

• When you get married, you basically make an appointment with your spouse--every day of the year, for every year until one of you dies--to be there for your spouse, and to be for your spouse.  When life gets hard, just remember that.  Even if you feel like there isn't anything in particular that you cando to make things better, remember that there's a lot of power in presence and support.

Things to remember when things are going well

• Your happy marriage isn't just for you.  When you are joyful in your marriage, be a steward of that joy by helping others who struggle with their marriage, and otherwise use the extra energy created by your joy to serve others.

• Be thankful! A harmonious marriage doesn't come easily to everyone.  If it does for you, express continual thanks for that gracious gift from God.   

Things to remember all the time 

• Pray together.  Every day.  With each other and for each other, and for other people.  This strengthens the intertwining of your souls, but more importantly, it strengthens your collective bond with God.  Nothing is more important!

• Marriage is temporary.  I don't mean that in the divorce sense; I mean that in the death sense.  I know way too many people (can count on two hands) who lost their spouses before the age of 35 through everything from cancer to helicopter crashes to simply sudden death, and it always reminds me that while I might be married now, that could change literally at any moment.  The downside of this awareness is that I am way too paranoid about Mr. Squire's wellbeing, but the upside is that I almost never take my marriage for granted.  Marriage is temporary: we all start out single, and we will all end up single one day.  Enjoy every day with your spouse!

• God comes first.  Spouse comes second.  Kids come third.

• Compliment your spouse often.  Who doesn't like a compliment?  And besides, you should be your spouse's number-one cheerleader (and vice versa).

• Single friends are important too!  Not just because they were your friends before and should still remain your friends, but because you as a married person have important perspectives that you can share with them, and they as single people have important perspectives that they can share with you.