Dear Junior,
We're in week 2 of me being back at work, and I just have to say -- it's hard. Yesterday I thought about quitting. The only thing that stopped me was the reminder that we have decided to trust God for guidance on when to leave and go elsewhere, and my knee-jerk reaction isn't exactly an act of obedience and trust on that front; that's just taking things into my own hands. Plus, Daddy--who is much better at looking at the bigger picture--reminded me that things actually are okay... they just seem hard at the moment.
And indeed they do. It's the perfect storm of circumstances that make me want to quit: You are sick, and have been for almost a week now. Your sad hoarse coughing and endless nasal congestion is enough to break any mommy's heart. I worked six hours last weekend -- a couple hours on both days. And while that inherently isn't that bad, it was not a nice way to start my return to work, and it makes it hard to imagine that every weekend won't be like that -- or worse. In addition, Mommy has been getting up early to head out to client meetings and coming home around 6:45 or 7 -- but because you are sick and sleeping extra much, I get even less time with you at night because you are barely awake. And on top of that, Mommy is now sick, too. I stayed home from work
yesterday and today
and worked from home between naps.
And even that felt difficult, because it's not like I got to spend time with you between my naps -- I just spent time doing legal research. (You and I cough together these days. Kind of cute, in a sad sort of way.)
So...all of that makes me want to call up a recruiter and start thinking about a move. But...I know I should give it a little more time. God is reminding me of that.
Daddy also reminds me that it's hard to start working full-time after four months of no work. He does have a good point. He's much better at the big picture than I am. :)
In other news, I had another little sad angle to everything
a couple days ago
(when I was already
feeling very low) when I realized after several days of interviews at the client's office that once again I was the only woman in the room--and the most junior person in the room. I'm perpetually in this situation, working for (wonderful) senior male partners, for senior management clients (who are also great to work with generally), and I am the junior-most person...and the only woman. It made me sad for you--
that this is the world you, too, will have to contend with in just a couple decades. It is still a man's world, Junior. When will the tide turn? It will take a lot for the tide to turn, little one, and it will take a lot of commitment from women around the country. But as one of the women who is a prime candidate to chip away at the glass ceiling, I realize how difficult it is to stay the course and keep on fighting. Why? See the above paragraphs for
just a handful of the reasons.
I'm not sure how we're going to manage these tensions, my ducky. I guess we just proceed one foot ahead of the next, and keep praying and looking to God. I keep reminding myself that where He leads, He will provide. No matter how tumultuous the road ahead may seem, as I look back, I can only see His faithfulness along the way. Never in a million years would I have imagined, just eight short years ago, that in 2015, I'd be where I am today: still working at a firm, happily married to the bestest hobey and daddy ever, and mommy to a very special and incredible you. God has been so generous...it's time to go back and remember, and choose faith in Him who has never failed.
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