As the end of maternity leave draws nigh, I am noticing with surprise and gratitude that as each day passes, I am increasingly ready to return to work. As I attempt to ferret out the source of this emerging peace, the simple answer is that God has answered my prayers. I've been praying for this transition for a long time, and have been asking God to please make the way clear for me. I also suspect that I am more okay with going back to work because this leave has been so good, in so many ways. It seems that the satisfaction has been so great that it has taken on a refreshing and restorative quality that equips me to go back.
I headed into my leave with a lot of uncertainty and virtually no expectations, apart from a vague vision of me catching up on books and favorite movies during the many hours of nursing my little bundle. That, of course, did not happen. Hundreds of hours of nursing DID happen, but few books were read (and I am even behind on my interesting articles!) and not many movies were watched (though we did manage to rematch all five seasons of FNL). All this other (mostly unexpected) stuff took place, though, and it has filled my soul in the most wonderful way.
1. I spent a lot of time with my family. Two weeks after Junior's arrival, my parents came to live with us for a while. Both parents were here for ten days, during which my dad cooked and cleaned like a boss. Quietly served, without any fanfare. It reminded me of when he drove me 1100 miles to law school, dropped off me and my stuff, and turned around and drove back home alone. Not sure if my dad has ever said, "I love you" out loud, but he has certainly shown it. As for my mom, she stayed the ten days plus an extra twenty days (in addition to coming during my first week of leave, before Junior even arrived). She fully embraced the role as Junior's Ama, and taught us many things about how to care for her and understand her. During that time, she also took good care of me -- watching over my health and eating like a hawk, accompanying me on walks outside, and making sure I got as much rest as possible. She also hung out with Mr. Squire and me, learning to appreciate FNL, cooking shows on the Food Network, and our abundance of fruit and our ridiculous number of snacks from Costco. I had not spent so much time with my mom since college (during the summers when I was home), and the time together was really lovely.
I headed into my leave with a lot of uncertainty and virtually no expectations, apart from a vague vision of me catching up on books and favorite movies during the many hours of nursing my little bundle. That, of course, did not happen. Hundreds of hours of nursing DID happen, but few books were read (and I am even behind on my interesting articles!) and not many movies were watched (though we did manage to rematch all five seasons of FNL). All this other (mostly unexpected) stuff took place, though, and it has filled my soul in the most wonderful way.
1. I spent a lot of time with my family. Two weeks after Junior's arrival, my parents came to live with us for a while. Both parents were here for ten days, during which my dad cooked and cleaned like a boss. Quietly served, without any fanfare. It reminded me of when he drove me 1100 miles to law school, dropped off me and my stuff, and turned around and drove back home alone. Not sure if my dad has ever said, "I love you" out loud, but he has certainly shown it. As for my mom, she stayed the ten days plus an extra twenty days (in addition to coming during my first week of leave, before Junior even arrived). She fully embraced the role as Junior's Ama, and taught us many things about how to care for her and understand her. During that time, she also took good care of me -- watching over my health and eating like a hawk, accompanying me on walks outside, and making sure I got as much rest as possible. She also hung out with Mr. Squire and me, learning to appreciate FNL, cooking shows on the Food Network, and our abundance of fruit and our ridiculous number of snacks from Costco. I had not spent so much time with my mom since college (during the summers when I was home), and the time together was really lovely.
My brother and his family also came to visit us in January. I hadn't seen them in two years! :( Sad, I know. They came for a shorter period of time, but it was really great to just hang out with them, reacquainting myself with their daughter, and playing Settlers of Catan, cooking up yummy meals, and enjoying good talks and getting good advice on babycare and disciplining kids. My brother and his wife may live far from me, but they were very present throughout my pregnancy in terms of enthusiasm, moral support, and lots of advice on all things baby (and baby stuff). I am so thankful for them, and for the chance we had to spend time in person.
2. I spent a lot of time with Mr. Squire's family. I didn't grow up with family nearby, but Junior will grow up with that blessing. Her grandparents, and all of her uncles and aunties on her dad's side, live within 30-45 minutes. (And one uncle lives upstairs!) We see Junior's grandparents at least once a week when they are in town, and we see at least one of her uncles probably every other week. It's pretty awesome. Friends are the best in one way -- because you can be so free and open with them about everything. But family is the best in another way -- because you can't get rid of each other. You know they belong to you for life.
2. I spent a lot of time with Mr. Squire's family. I didn't grow up with family nearby, but Junior will grow up with that blessing. Her grandparents, and all of her uncles and aunties on her dad's side, live within 30-45 minutes. (And one uncle lives upstairs!) We see Junior's grandparents at least once a week when they are in town, and we see at least one of her uncles probably every other week. It's pretty awesome. Friends are the best in one way -- because you can be so free and open with them about everything. But family is the best in another way -- because you can't get rid of each other. You know they belong to you for life.
3. I learned all sorts of baby care stuff. I won't deny it -- I have my strengths. In both my professional and personal lives, people generally can agree that I am pretty competent when it comes to most things. Cooking, baking, cleaning, socializing, humorizing, communicating, caring, analyzing, serving. But there are two ginormous exceptions: athletics, and anything child-related. For real: it's like I am allergic to anything spherical (hence ruling our baseballs, basketballs, golfballs, tennis balls, soccer balls...). And I am more or less helpless around children. I just don't know what to do with them.
Sooooo...more than a few (including me!) were eager to see how I would fare with my own little baby girl. All I have to say is -- it has been a learning process! Every single thing about caring for Junior has taken practice for me:
Breastfeeding took us several weeks to get down pat -- and even now, there are times when I don't know what to do because the flow is too fast and makes her gag and cough. :(
Learning how to dress Junior was a challenge from day one. That soft skull freaks me out! Sometimes even now, I sweat when I am attempting to get her head through the head hole (and I only dress her in clothes with enormous head holes, or -- even better -- the snaps, so that I don't have to deal with putting her head through anything). I can never keep her socks on (and plus, footed pajamas are my faaaavorite!), so she never wears pants and instead wears pjs. Every day. Al day long. :) And forget about swaddling -- I never mastered it, and instead opted for the wonderful velcro-swaddle (and in any event, we dropped the swaddle pretty quickly because she likes her hands free). But at the very least, I know how to dress her now. I'm not super-fast at it, and I still have to remind myself aloud to make sure "allll the fingers make safe passage through" the sleeve, but I can do it. Go me!
Changing diapers was always Daddy's job. He has changed probably 9-9.5 diapers for every 1 that I have changed. Soo...again, takes me a little longer. And the first few times, I was like -- how does this work? Stickers go where?? But I can do it now.
As for bathtime, I had to learn how to get in all those folds... and it took me a couple months before I discovered the joy (for her--and I guess also for me) of infant massage. So now we know how to do that, and it's part of her bedtime routine (she loves the foot massage best -- I don't blame her!).
Playing was probably the hardest to learn, though. Early on, I went into major teaching mode with Junior. Everything was a lesson about colors, shapes, fruits, smells, sounds, grammar and spelling, or faith and morals. I talked to Junior a lot, but always in teaching mode. This was fine early on, but as I emerged from my sleep deprivation, I gradually realized that Junior was smiling more and more at Daddy. Mommy didn't get as many smiles. And that's when Mommy learned the difficult lesson of loosening up and having fun with my kid. I had to learn to make funny faces and noises, and to stop worrying so much about teaching, and just enjoy playing. Even now, it's hard for me. But I'm getting better at it... just today, I ran around the apartment for ten minutes during her tummy time, just to entertain her. Sure, I snuck in some education (emphasizing the prepositions -- "running IN to the bedroom!" "running AROUND my Bathands!" "running OUT into the hallway!"), but mostly, it was just fun. And Junior smiles at me every day now, mostly when I am nice and relaxed and just enjoying being in her presence.
4. In later weeks, my bond with Junior deepened. Early on, I was just trying to survive from day to day -- get Junior fed successfully, make sure she had enough output, get that head through the headhole, try to understand her crying, make sure she got sleep... and get some sleep myself. As the weeks went on and the tasks became more familiar, I was able to turn my focus more toward bonding with Junior -- observing her, learning her expressions and personality, and simply spending time together. I spent many an hour snuggling with her, rocking her, singing to her, and carrying her. Every morning, we pull her up into our bed (because she naps better there), and Daddy watches her as Mommy catches up on sleep. But some mornings, I do the morning snuggle and just watch her smile in her sleep. And slowly, she inches towards me until she is snuggled right against me. It is the best thing ever.
Junior also has a new habit: she tracks whichever parent is not holding her. She definitely recognizes my voice and face, and she gives me the sweetest smiles that just brighten my day. I wouldn't feel okay about returning to work without a strong bond with my girl -- but I think we have it. I certainly feel it, and I think she does too.
5. My community came through for me. I can't believe that I've been at my church for seven years now. That's longer (by almost double) than my stint at any other church apart from the one I grew up in. This is the first church community that I've truly felt integral to -- a community that I not only love, but feel is my family. (There have been other churches that I have loved dearly, but did not feel sufficiently a part of to consider it family.) And when Junior arrived, I felt my church family truly come through for me in a way that no other church community has done for me before. They prayed for us throughout the pregnancy. They visited us in the hospital. They trekked out to New Jersey to visit. (She had more than 60 visitors in the first ten weeks of her life!) They came and cooked. Or they came and brought food. Or they sent food over. They truly celebrated her arrival, and they care for her whenever we are together. Junior gets passed around church like a prized treasure on Sundays, and the love she receives from all of her aunties and uncles is truly touching.
6. Much time was spent in prayer and reflection. All those hours of nursing in the wee hours (and even those not in the wee hours), and many hours of sleeplessness that followed, were conducive to rich times of prayer and reflection and reading the Bible. The combined helplessness in new parenting, anxieties over returning to work, and the magnitude of raising up a child in Christ all made me seek God all the more, with the realization that He alone could help me execute my duties correctly -- and help me to love Junior as He has called me to. I am thankful for this season of increased meditation and crying out to God... my need for it will only increase as I return to work and as Junior grows, so all the better that those muscles were strengthened now.
5. My community came through for me. I can't believe that I've been at my church for seven years now. That's longer (by almost double) than my stint at any other church apart from the one I grew up in. This is the first church community that I've truly felt integral to -- a community that I not only love, but feel is my family. (There have been other churches that I have loved dearly, but did not feel sufficiently a part of to consider it family.) And when Junior arrived, I felt my church family truly come through for me in a way that no other church community has done for me before. They prayed for us throughout the pregnancy. They visited us in the hospital. They trekked out to New Jersey to visit. (She had more than 60 visitors in the first ten weeks of her life!) They came and cooked. Or they came and brought food. Or they sent food over. They truly celebrated her arrival, and they care for her whenever we are together. Junior gets passed around church like a prized treasure on Sundays, and the love she receives from all of her aunties and uncles is truly touching.
6. Much time was spent in prayer and reflection. All those hours of nursing in the wee hours (and even those not in the wee hours), and many hours of sleeplessness that followed, were conducive to rich times of prayer and reflection and reading the Bible. The combined helplessness in new parenting, anxieties over returning to work, and the magnitude of raising up a child in Christ all made me seek God all the more, with the realization that He alone could help me execute my duties correctly -- and help me to love Junior as He has called me to. I am thankful for this season of increased meditation and crying out to God... my need for it will only increase as I return to work and as Junior grows, so all the better that those muscles were strengthened now.
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