Let's Be Real...

Life is good here in Palmtreeville.  Mostly.  

I still pinch myself most days, tickled and shocked at the fact that I'm finally living out my dream at work.  Unbelievable.  

My wonderful baby girl and her dad are fantastic (albeit exhausting) housemates.  This evening, Daddy was trying to build a tower taller than Junior with her new wooden blocks, and Junior was toddling over and knocking it over like Godzilla.  Good times had by all.  These are the moments that make life magical.

And ridiculously hot weather aside, it is beautiful here.  Flowers, trees, puffy clouds, a beautiful sky, and a piercing sunset every evening as I leave the office.  The fact that I leave at a time at which I can still see the sun is a shocker.

So...life is good here in Palmtreeville.  Mostly.

Today at lunch, I took a walk (yes, I took my lunch hour! Again, a shocker), and walked round and round the nearby lake, passing hoards of sandpipers, herons, swans, and geese.  

It was nice.  But I was lonely.

My mind was in New York... on the grimy, nasty streets of New York.  On the crowded, bustling sidewalks of New York.  On the beautiful, beloved faces of my friends-like-family in New York.  I kept thinking (as I often do these days) that I can't wait to go back to visit.  Surely, it won't be the same--and that will be a mixed blessing--but I still can't wait to go back and see the faces that I love, and the City that I was too busy to learn to love.

Reminded of our call to remain grateful in all things, and reminded of the tremendous abundance of life that God has given me here and there and everywhere, I tried to pray.  I really did.  But not much came out.  Some praise, some thanks, and then I fell silent.

And I decided that it was probably okay for me to just be still and know that He is God.  (Always my excuse when I don't have prayers readily on my lips.)  And that He was walking with me, mourning with me a while, encouraging me to be glad, and helping me remember my prior life with thanksgiving and some sorrow.

The Struggle is Real, And Grace Is, Too

I've been reading a fantastic book called "Have a Little Faith," by Mitch Albom (who is not a Christian).  I read last night a section when Mitch went to an old dilapidated church in Detroit and got to know the pastor there.  The pastor (a former drug addict and dealer) mentioned that sometimes his parishioners came to church all high on drugs, and Mitch said, "Really? Don't you mind?"  And the pastor's response was this:

"I don't care if you're drunk, or you just left the drug house, I don't care.  When I'm sick, I go to the emergency room.  And if the problem continues, I go again.  So whatever's ailing you, let this church be your emergency room.  Until you get the healing, don't stop comng." 

That response reminded me of Jesus saying that He came to heal the sick, not the well.  And it convicted me, because I spend a lot of time trying to be "well" -- or at least do things that make me look like I'm "well."  But God knows the truth, and deep down, I do too.  I am sick and I need help.  And in addition to mourning this and repenting, I need to also REJOICE! Because Jesus is our emergency room, and he invites us to come to him for healing... over and over...and over... and over.  Until we get the healing, He says, we are still welcome--don't stop coming.  How wonderful!

Dear Junior: Christmas is Coming!

Dear Junior,

It's been a rough week for all of us.  First you got sick with roseola, then you caught the common cold--which you generously shared with Daddy and Mommy.  (Not on purpose, we know!)  Then things got extra-bad when Mommy came down with mastitis, which is still keeping Mommy down.  We are all still coughing and sneezing and wiping our noses and chasing away fevers.  But we are together and I keep thinking to myself, what a crazy endeavor it is--to raise a child and have a family.  It's so much work! And so very worth it.  I feel luckier than lucky to be blessed with such an opportunity.  Thank You, Lord.

Some of the fun/funny things you've been doing lately include:

• "Wiping" your face with both hands (from top to bottom), then grinning widely (i.e. with scrunchy face).  Not sure why you think this is hilarious, but it brings you such delights both when you do it and when I do it. 

• Impressing us with your capacity to eat.  You ate almost an entire avocado at dinner today!  And that's on top of quite a few green beans and a generous serving of your all-time favorite -- blueberries.

• Speaking of blueberries, you always know when we have them.  (I guess we have them every day.)  But you always know where we keep them!  (Though I guess we always keep them in the green cup.)  So when we bring out the green cup, you always point to it because you want its contents. And when I start to pour out some berries, you stick your little fingers in and help yourself to some more...and some more...and some more... silly Bathands. It's so cute.

• You're getting much better at not crying at daycare dropoff anymore. Yay! It was always so hard for me to leave you crying.  So thankful that you have adjusted, and it seems that you have fun while you're there.  Daddy says that when he goes to pick you up, you get really excited and start waving goodbye to all your school friends as soon as you see Daddy through the window.  Funny Batty.  Funny, funny Batty.

• You have discovered Mommy's Stuffies.  And not just JJ (who, I should remind you, is originally Mommy's).  You have discovered where Mommy's Stuffies live!  So when you find yourself in Mommy and Daddy's room, you like to point to the Stuffie Apartment and get all excited when we bring you there.  You aren't partial to any particular ones...mosquito, raccoon, macaw, roachie, hippo, sheepy -- you love them all (though you seem to have a particular affinity for Sleepy Sheepy and his soft blue sleeping hat).  Whenever you reach for one or we hand one to you, you eagerly reach for it, and give it a big, tender hug.  You have great capacity to love, my ducky.  Ama first observed your tremendous tenderness and we've seen it many times since.  This is good, ducky, very good. :)

• Your little pointer finger continues to be one of your best modes of communication.  You point at the music box at dinner when you want Mommy to play it for you (you have a fascination with the music box).  You point at food or your straw cup when you want something in particular.  You point to the Stuffie Apartment when you want one of Mommy's stuffies.  You point to Mr. Yellow when you want your highlighter.  It's really cute and fun. Hopefully you will start to talk a little more, though  :)  (Although we do hear you babble to yourself before you fall asleep, though, so know you CAN talk!

You continue to bring us such delight.  We love you so much.  It's hardest when we see you crying because you're sad (mostly just in the context of daycare dropoff) or when your sinful side shows itself and we have to discipline you.  It's hard to know whether what we're doing, or the way we're doing it, is right.  But we continue to pray (often in front of you) for wisdom from God, who does know the right way to discipline and raise you.  And we trust that God is answering our prayers and will provide, and will give grace where we fail.

We love you tons and tons and tons, our dearest ducky.

Love to Batty,

Mommy

I Will Look Up

All the worries of this world

I will lay them at Your feet
Surrender every anxious thought
For perfect peace, Your perfect peace


All the loved ones I hold dear
All my hopes and dreams and all my fears
I will choose to trust Your name
In everything, with everything

I will look up for there is none above You
I will bow down to tell You that I need You
Jesus Lord of all, Jesus Lord of all

I will take You at Your word
For Jesus You have taken hold of me
All my life is in Your hands
You are my strength, You are my strength

I will look up for there is none above You
I will bow down to tell You that I need You
Jesus Lord of all

I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able
Jesus Lord of all, Jesus Lord of all

Prince of Peace, Perfect Healer
All my life, all my cares on You
King of Kings, Mighty Savior
All my life, all my cares on You

I will look up for there is none above You
I will bow down to tell You that I need You
Jesus Lord of all

I will look back and see that You are faithful
I look ahead believing You are able
Jesus Lord of all, You're Jesus Lord of all
Our God is Jesus Lord of all, You're Jesus Lord of all

Post-Thanksgiving Reflections

Dear Junior,

At this moment, you are napping peacefully in the big bed, clutching JJ with one arm.  JJ is your best stuffie friend these days, though Froggy and the Bunny Blanket are a close second and third.  You can go hours on end, roaming around the apartment and playing with various toys, and clinging to JJ with your left hand.  (And when we go outdoors, you clutch a yellow highlighter instead.)

Thanksgiving has come and gone.  Your Ama and Yeye came to visit, and you've been having a great time with them.  Yeye has kept his distance so as to intrigue--rather than scare--you, and you finally are starting to approach him yourself with curiosity.  You and Ama are good friends, and you play with her and give her lots of smiles all day long.  It's fun to watch you have so much fun with them.  Thanks for bringing us together, little one.

You took your first step--and second, and third, and fourth--on Thanksgiving day.  You've been getting yourself to a standing position quickly on your own lately, but until Thanksgiving, you hadn't taken any steps. Well done, ducky!

Today you also started feeding yourself yogurt with a spoon at breakfast, and I think I saw you take three real sips from your straw cup! Perhaps Mommy will win in avoiding giving you a sippy cup altogether after all.  :)

You continue to eat and eat and eat, though it takes you a long, long time to do so.  You love all foods--except corn. You used to eat yellow corn, and now you have decided that you don't like it. But you eat everything else--carrots, peas, green beans, Chinese greens, beef, noodles, chicken, duck, meatballs, avocado, yogurt, cereal,...and fruit.  Always lots and lots of fruit.  Watermelon seems to be a front runner (that's my girl!), followed by oranges, bananas, apples, Asian pears, grapes, and berries of all sorts.  You're eating pretty well.  

Daycare transition hasn't been the easiest for you--or for me.  It's really hard to leave you every morning, crying. I usually hang out for at least 10-15 minutes and watch you play.  And then it's like you know my departure is imminent, and you get super-clingy and start wailing.  Breaks my heart every time.  I'm glad you love me, as I love you, and I'm even glad that you love me enough to miss me, as I surely miss you.  But seeing your weepy face makes my heart so sad.  You're in good hands at school, ducky--and you love other children.  I can't wait til you love being there full-time. 

Work has been going well for Mommy.  I absolutely love my job, and while there are a million things to learn, I am slowly absorbing the incredible body of knowledge I need to perform effectively.  My colleagues are superb, and the work is super-meaningful.  For the first time in my adult life, everything is all in line:  I have an incredibly loving and wonderful hobey, a precious and fun and incredible daughter, and a job--THE job--that I love.  What a journey it has been, but God spared me a 40-year wandering and made it more like 14 years.  I am so deeply grateful when I look back on the journey; surely the winding and uncertain path makes arrival at the destination so much more sweet and triumphant.  

The challenge is maintaining a close walk with God in these good days.  It's easy to forget God, and to feel as if I don't need Him that badly.  But I need Him more than ever.  Thankfully the daunting task of parenting keeps me on my knees, but even more than that--I continue to need God for life.  You do, too.  And we pray for you each day, with you and for you, that you would know how much God loves you, and how He knows you, and how He wants to be known and loved by you.  My desire for you to know those things reminds me each day that the same apply to me, too.

Have a good nap, my little. Mommy will be here to play with you when you get up.

Love,

Mommy

Dear Junior - Happy Birthday!

Dear Junior,

We had such a blast celebrating your birthday.  

What a joy it was to spend the entire day with you again.  Your enthusiasm made it clear that you were happy, too.  Thanks, my little.  Mommy needed that reassurance; it just about broke my heart when (after my first couple days at work) you didn't rush to greet Mommy, and you just looked at me and sucked your thumb when I came home.  I keep reminding myself that I am in this job for a reason, and the part about missing you and you missing me may be our cross to bear -- and God will help us through it.  We must trust Him.

For your birthday, we FaceTimed with both sets of your grandparents.  And during your morning nap, Mommy snuck out to get birthday candles and five balloons -- pink, yellow, blue, green, and purple.  (And I paid the extra 15 cents per balloon to get the special spray that makes them last longer...and indeed, they've lasted a couple extra days!)  You had a lot of fun playing with the balloons and their ribbons, and I had a lot of fun watching you.  It's so fun to watch you do a lot of things.  :)

We played at the playground (and took your balloons along), and there were a lot of kids there to keep you company.  Daddy helped you climb up (yes, up) the slide, and Mommy stayed at the top as "bait" since you always got really excited to crawl up to Mommy.  You had a good time.  

After dinner, Mommy upended a container of plain yogurt, surrounded it with frozen berries (your favorite!), and lit a candle.  Voila!  An unsweetened birthday cake.  :)  We sang to you and read you your cards.  You loved it, and we had (yes, again) a lot of fun watching you go to town on that cake.  By the end, it was everywhere: in your hair, ALL over your face, and even on your feet. How did you manage to accomplish that??

So there you have it. A simple birthday for my incredible girl.  An entire year has passed since God sent you to us, and we love you so, so much. 

In other news, Mommy is now two weeks into the job. Half a month!  It's amazing how much Mommy loves her work.  And everything is easier here... my roundtrip commute is usually 35-50 minutes total--which is less than some of my one-way commutes were back in the City.  And I leave home late enough to go to the gym, shower, and eat breakfast with you...and I come home early enough to (sometimes cook and) eat dinner with you and play with you before bed (even though you go to bed a full hour earlier than you used to).  After you go to bed, I catch up on things like email and blogging and yesterday, I even put up our Christmas tree.  On a weekday!  I'm very much enjoying this slower pace of life.  

(Oh, and did I mention that the lunch hour actually exists here?? Apparently it's a thing--to actually take a lunch break. My mentor goes to the gym during that hour.  My boss closes her door and reads the WSJ for an hour.  A group of us go out to lunch some days--especially Fridays.  On the off days, I get emails and other tasks done during that time.  Another colleague picks up his kids and wife and has lunch with them at home during the hour. AMAZING!)

We are also making friends here, by God's grace.  He has answered swiftly our pleas for community and fellowship here.   I have my Thursday-morning women's breakfast prayer group with four other like-minded sisters.  Daddy has his Wednesday-morning meetup with the husband of one of those sisters.  We are making friends at church and at small group.  We are making friends in the neighborhood at the playground and with our neighbors.  Tomorrow we're even going to a dinner party at our neighbor's house!  Such abundance could only have come by God working in ways we cannot see.

So we enter a season of joy and gratitude.  Even as we continue to long for our loving and beloved friends and family back at home, we turn our faces to the light and embrace the richness that God has given us now.  It is good.  We are thankful.

Lots of love,

Mommy

The First Day

Was awesome! I actually met 80% of the office yesterday at the boss's house; he had invited everyone and our families over for dinner.  It was a wonderful way to meet people so that on Monday, a lot of faces looked familiar.  

It definitely feels like this is what I'm supposed to be doing. It's like climbing a mountain and looking over the vista and feeling such a sense of rightness and satisfaction.  I am so, so, SO thankful for this -- for the manageable hours (I was home in time to bring Junior to storytime at the library!), for the meaningful work, for the amazing work environment (seriously, I've never met a nicer group).  It's just incredible.

I've finished reading Deuteronomy, and am back in Joshua, where Joshua and the Israelites are about to cross into the Promised Land.  Deuteronomy held strong warnings for Israel, and for me:  do not forget the Lord your God when you enter the Promised Land.  Do not bow down to false idols.  Serve the Lord and worship Him only.  Love the Lord your God with all your soul, heart, and strength--and it will go well with you and those after you.

I know how easy it is to forget God--even after He has accomplished so great a victory.  I'm not talking about the Promised Land; I'm talking about Christ's salvation.  And how much more easy it is to forget Him after lesser (but still great) victories.  Praying against any forgetting of the journey that brought us here, and any forgetting of the Lord of our lives as we press forth in joy and service.