Recent Lessons

I've been doing a lot of worrying lately (what's new?), but let me pause for a second and instead of blogging about my worries...let me try to blog about what I think God has been teaching me lately.  I do need more of the listening/reflecting aspect in my life and a bit less of the fretting/talking bit.  Here are some thoughts, in no particular order:

• There is a point to all of this.  As much as I (for the most part) enjoy my job, particularly these days when it's not crazy, I often don't understand the point of being at my firm.  I often wonder when it will all make sense...and what that will look like.  But occasionally God gives me small, encouraging glimpses of parts of His purpose for my being there.... Like when I am able to be a good sounding board for TV or be there to offer her non-worldly advice.  Like when learn good litigation skills that will come in handy...when and for what purpose in the future? Not sure, but it feels right.  Like when, through the funky recruiting process, I have a chance to make some peace with a former co-worker.... the little pieces of shattered glass start to form a picture.  It's still a total, million-piece jigsaw to me.  But seeing parts of the picture--however small--is encouraging.

• I tend to think of myself as a good wife.  I adore Mr. Squire, laugh at all his jokes, pray for him constantly, worry about his health, speak truth to him in love, cook and clean and feed... but lately God has been showing me the little ways in which I demonstrate selfishness and put myself first in our relationship:  when I tuck my cold toes on the inside of his knee and half-jokingly call him my "personal toe warmer"; when I pile lots of dishes in the sink and don't do the dishes in the morning even though I have time to; when I schedule stuff with friends on the weekend without a second thought but then get (occasionally) upset when he keeps leaving me to play football on Saturdays; when I keep reading with the light on even after he has gone to sleep because I'm not sleepy yet and I really want to read in bed... I mean...none of these things are a huge deal.  But they are little ways in which I take advantage of Mr. Squire's easygoing, giving, and servant-hearted nature.  One thing I need to realize is this: just because he doesn't complain about it (or even think to) doesn't mean that I shouldn't think twice about doing it.

• God's my boss.  I know I mentioned this before, but... it bears mentioning again because it's an ongoing lesson for me.  I have to remind myself day after day that I serve--and should therefore fear--God, not man.  This means that a partner's praise shouldn't send my spirits soaring, nor should a partner's perceived displeasure sink me into the depths.  I'm allowed to have feelings, of course, but... ultimately, I serve at God's pleasure, and that should dictate my responses to all the stuff that happens inbetween.

• Last one:  God holds the future.  90% of my worries have to do with the future.  What job will Mr. Squire transition to?  When will we have kids?  Will we have kids?  Where should we move to?  Should I stay at this firm? When should I leave?  What should I go do?  Will I be qualified?  Am I getting the right experiences now?  If I left to do something that would enable me to spend more time with my family, would I be committing career-suicide?  Even if I did, would it matter?  What happened to my calling? Am I getting this wrong? Am I getting it right? How do I know?  Is God pleased?  What really matters? ... and in the end, one verse from Isaiah 26 keeps coming back to me:  "All that we have accomplished, You have done for us."  That is, all that we have--EVERYTHING--comes from God.  Not a thing in my life has been accomplished on my own or without God's blessing and enabling.  Same goes for the future... He will accomplish it all.  Somehow, that makes me feel very safe.