Dear Junior

Dear Junior,

Mommy has just a few days of work left.  Four, to be exact.  I'm floored at how all this came together, and how quickly.  Seems like not so long ago that I was moping my way home, enviously eyeing moms and dads out strolling their kids as I was just getting home (and knowing I'd have to do more work after you went to sleep, if not before) and humming, "Yeah, I'm working my way back to you, Bathands..."

With God's help, I'm working my way back to you.  In less than a week, you'll have Mommy all to yourself again, six months after I went back to work.  We'll spend sixty days together, then Mommy goes back to work again.  I'm excited to spend lots of time with you again.  Excited, and a little apprehensive.  I need to figure out a good way to structure our days, and a way to get things done -- because many many things need to get done.

But I'm excited.  Lots of good things ahead.  And a lot to deal with, though... lots of emotional changes as we leave our beloved friends and family.  And forging ahead, facing forward together as we all dive headlong into something brand new and unknown.  We need our faith more than ever, Ducky.  We need to be reminded that God is with us and we can trust Him. He has taken us this far.  

As for less heavy news from these last few weeks, there's all sorts of fun stuff going on with you.  You have four teeth.  You've learned to accept lentils a tiny bit more, and you love bananas.  You're okay with sweet potatoes, and not so much into them when I mix salmon in.  You love carrots and peaches.  You love eating from Daddy's apple in the morning.  

We've started to flick you when you go for the outlets or the kitchen.  You're starting to learn where you can and cannot go.  

You know how to wave! And you love waving at everything and anyone -- and no one.  It's really funny and cute.  

When you see Mommy come home, you light up and crawl quickly toward Mommy and it just melts my heart right away. Or when you're in your sleep sack and ready for your nursing for the night, you see me and grin broadly and Mommy just can't get enough of you.

Mommy loves to watch you explore. You're starting to cruise around, trying to get from one chair to the next without having to crawl inbetween.  You're testing out your independent standing skills, and you're a determined cookie.  You love climbing the two-step where Mommy keeps her purses (i.e. the "Purse Mountain," which hosts "Strap City," since you love to chew on all the purse straps).  

When we feed you, you eat for a while, and then you start to turn your head away.  My favorite is when you grab the spoon, hold out your arm to the side, and then just drop the spoon to the floor.  Because you know we'll pick it up for you every time.  It's part of how you're learning, and it's fun to watch.

You're more vocal. Not so much using consonants yet, but expressing yourself more vocally than before.  I imagine it will be a lot of fun when you start talking! In the meantime, we're trying to teach you baby sign language.

You played with our neighbor Henry and his dog, Pancakes, yesterday. Super-hilarious. You should watch the video.

Mommy and Daddy delight in you so. You're our wonderful little ducky and we adore you and love being your parents.  Even when you can't sleep at night, and even when Mommy still has to nurse you three times a night (though you're getting better about that! Good job!).  Even when you cry and squirm for no reason when we're changing your diaper.  Even when you are inconsolable after a nap (that someone-wronged-me face is super-cute).  Even when you don't listen and we have to flick you (but seriously - you'll have to learn to obey, Batty).  You're our dear Batty and we love you so.

You appear to be left-handed, though we're not sure yet.

We lay out the yellow fish, pink starfish, and blue penguin for you every night before your bath and you ALWAYS pick the blue penguin.

You let me brush your teeth only so you can sneak in a lick of the water, since water fascinates you and you always want to drink it (and we don't let you).

You don't mind being undressed.  You don't like getting dressed.

You love to sleep on your right side, with your left thumb in your mouth and the other hand grabbing at Froggy.  You had trouble sleeping last night, but finally I put Froggy by your hand, and you calmed down and started playing with Froggy's tag before falling asleep.  The inner stuffy-lover in me rejoiced greatly at seeing this.

Daddy reads to you from the Jesus Storybook Bible every day, and Mommy and Daddy pray for and with you every night.  We hope and pray you will grow in faith and enter into your own relationship with God.

It's a wonder and a joy to be your Mommy.  I'm so thankful for you.

Love to Bathands,

Mommy

Gchat Conversation of the Day

me: hey question

Mr. Squire: hey answer

me: Partner J is taking me out to lunch next week. he said i can invite a couple people. question is--

Mr. Squire: me?!?!?!?!?!

me: umm

Mr. Squire: and Batty?!?!?!?!!

me: LOL. I love you hobey! I will take you out for steak

Mr. Squire: wait. that's a no? whimper.  I want PARTNER J to take me out for steak

"Son of David" by Ghostship

The blind won't gain their sight by opening their eyes...

A king is coming to His city and crowds surround, are following, If I could see, I would follow too He heals the sick with His hands, 

as He walks by, they reach for Him; If I could see, I would reach out too 

The blind won't gain their sight by opening their eyes Son of David, have mercy on me! 

Son of David, I want to see! Son of David, have mercy!

I cannot leave this gate since I cannot see my way, 

but I can stand and call His name No, I could never leave this gate 

but I will stand and shout His name, 

and I will count on His grace!

Son of David, have mercy on me! 

Son of David, I want to see! 

Son of David, have mercy! I was blind - now I see! Jesus saved me!

* * *

We've been singing this song at church for quite a number of weeks now, but only today did it really sink in. The one line that particularly stuck out to me was "The blind won't gain their sight by opening their eyes." As in, our spiritual blindness isn't something that we can just fix by our willpower, any more than any of our failings can be cured by our own hand. It's God's grace and power and compassion that must save us from all things, ranging from physical ailments to emotional struggles to spiritual crises. We need the Son of David to have mercy on us -- and we can request such mercy just by approaching His throne of grace.

Jesus is the member of the Trinity to whom I have the greatest trouble relating, but this song puts Him in greater perspective for me, which I appreciate. More to meditate on this week...

The Long Goodbye: A Good Word from Unicorn Jackie

Jackie and I were in a small group together, and I always kind of viewed her like a little sister.  A very little sister.  She has come to me for advice about everything from dating, to choosing a career, to cooking on a budget, to establishing a budget, to deciding whether to lead a small group.

Today, she sent me the following email.  Short, but sweet, and so meaningful and appreciated:

I'm sad that you're leaving New York, but I am also glad that you're prioritizing spending more time with family over your job :D You made a great choice.
Jackie

I'm sad that I'm leaving New York, too.  I'm sad that I'm leaving behind so very many dear friends who are like family.  

At the same time, I know it's right to prioritize my family over my job (although, in the end, it seems that I got the dream job I've wanted all along after all, just in a place I never imagined going to).  It is a great choice--but no one has ever phrased it that way to me before, and the affirmation is encouraging.

The Long Farewell: Double Hares

Last Sunday, my double cousin (also a Double Hare) and our other friend Double Hare (and his wife) all met up before church.  It's been the better part of a decade since we all spent a hot summer studying for the bar exam together.  I still remember: we would meet at class a few minutes before 9, sit through class, grab lunch and start studying in the library with all of our snacks laid out.

Double cousin inevitably would start napping.  Double Hare would study pretty diligently, but get distracted.  I spread out everything on the table and consumed too much space -- earning myself the title of Space Turtle.  And at 9 (or 10?) when the library closed, we moved to the cafeteria until we could study no more.  Then Double cousin walked me home as I tutored him on the bar exam topic of his choice.

And the next day we did it all over again.

Double Hare and I met during 1L year.  We lived in the same dorm and did a mediation program together.  We went to China together -- my first trip -- and it was transformative.  We are so different, but he has always made a point to understand me, and really "get" what I'm about.  I've done the same for him, and our friendship is deep and very real.  I am very thankful for him.

Double cousin and I met later in law school and essentially became friends when two of our closest friends started dating and suddenly some of our close pals didn't have time for us anymore.  :-p  We barely see each other anymore, but I do consider him family.  I can't explain it.  We are so, so different.  But he always has my back, and when I can get deep down far enough into the layers, I see who he really is -- and that alone has value. 

It's because of Double cousin, of course, that I met Mr. Squire. That's kind of important, too.

It's going to be so different without my double hares and their pen caps.  You guys are special friends.  Friends who are like family.

"This is an ode to all of those that have never asked for one.
A thank you in words to all of those that do not do
what they do so well for the thanking.
This is to the mothers.
This is to the ones who match our first scream
with their loudest scream; who harmonize in our shared pain
and joy and terrified wonder when life begins.
This is to the mothers.
To the ones who stay up late and wake up early and always know
the distance between their soft humming song and our tired ears.
To the lips that find their way to our foreheads and know,
somehow always know, if too much heat is living in our skin.
To the hands that spread the jam on the bread and the mesmerizing
patient removal of the crust we just cannot stomach.
This is to the mothers.
To the ones who shout the loudest and fight the hardest and sacrifice
the most to keep the smiles glued to our faces and the magic
spinning through our days. To the pride they have for us
that cannot fit inside after all they have endured.
To the leaking of it out their eyes and onto the backs of their
hands, to the trails of makeup left behind as they smile
through those tears and somehow always manage a laugh.
This is to the patience and perseverance and unyielding promise
that at any moment they would give up their lives to protect ours. 
This is to the mothers.
To the single mom's working four jobs to put the cheese in the mac
and the apple back into the juice so their children, like birds in
a nest, can find food in their mouths and pillows under their heads.
To the dreams put on hold and the complete and total rearrangement
of all priority. This is to the stay-at-home moms and those that
find the energy to go to work every day; to the widows and the
happily married.
To the young mothers and those that deal with the unexpected
announcement of a new arrival far later than they ever anticipated.
This is to the mothers.
This is to the sack lunches and sleepover parties, to the soccer games
and oranges slices at halftime. This is to the hot chocolate
after snowy walks and the arguing with the umpire
at the little league game. To the frosting ofbirthday cakes
and the candles that are always lit on time; to the Easter egg hunts,
the slip-n-slides and the iced tea on summer days. 
This is to the ones that show us the way to finding our own way.
To the cutting of the cord, quite literally the first time
and even more painfully and metaphorically the second time around.
To the mothers who become grandmothers and great-grandmothers
and if time is gentle enough, live to see the children of their children
have children of their own. To the love.
My goodness to the love that never stops and comes from somewhere
only mothers have seen and know the secret location of.
To the love that grows stronger as their hands grow weaker
and the spread of jam becomes slower and the Easter eggs get easier
to find and sack lunches no longer need making.
This is to the way the tears look falling from the smile lines
around their eyes and the mascara that just might always be
smeared with the remains of their pride for all they have created.
This is to the mothers." 
― Tyler Knott Gregson

The Long Farewell: Magic Rushmore

He was one of my first (and closest) friends in BigLaw, and always one of my greatest supporters.  He worked down the hall from me our first year, and I was always popping by his office to say hi and chat for a few minutes.  In my moments of doubt, he always had a word of encouragement to share.  In my moments of victory, he always said, "Of course you did well."  

I was sad when he left our firm to go clerk on the West Coast, because I thought he wouldn't come back.  But he eventually did come back, and we continued to see each other from time to time. 

We both shared the same goal of becoming federal prosecutors one day.  I hope he makes it; he'd be great at it.

We met for lunch one last time yesterday, at Butter.  We caught up on everything at work.  I shared pictures of Junior.  I heard about how his girlfriend is doing, and he asked about how Mr. Squire is doing.  We hugged goodbye.

It'll be another long while before I see my friend Magic Rushmore again.  But hopefully not too long.