Day 32: A Very Fun Day

There were all sorts of amazing things that happened today.  It was a welcome break from packing and a joy-filled day of friends and family.

1. A visit from a dear friend who drove up from Philly with her baby boy.  We don't see each other that often, but when we do, it's as if no time has passed at all.  Perfect comfort.  And now that we're both moms, there's even more beyond being nerdy, baking attorneys who went to China together to bind us together.  Can't wait to see Yu Ting again next time.

2. A visit from more church friends (Dave and Susan) and their little girl, who is two months younger than Junior.  Funniest moment was when the girls played "together"...each with her back to the other. :-p  Most memorable moment was when we found out--in the middle of the visit--that Susan just got a job that she wanted.  Most spontaneous moment was when we thereafter got banana spring rolls with coconut-pineapple ice cream to celebrate, and ended with prosecco and Levain cookies. 

3. A visit from Brother #4 and his fiancee.  Yummy eel balls from Mitsuwa and good couch-talk with my incoming sister-in-law.  :)  I love a good chat about relationships and marriage!  Two of my favorite subjects.

4. The brisk autumn air has come sweeping through. I can't wait to snuggle under the covers tonight.

5. Junior got really tired at the end of the day, and just laid down on me and rested her head.  I'll never get tired of that--never!

Day 31: Phriday Girls

Today was all about my Phriday girls.  Met up with Rachel, whom I'd been discipling for about two years. We met for some super-delicious scones and tea at Alice's Tea Cup, one of my early favorite NYC spots.  And we just talked and caught up. Not so much about me leaving (to my relief, since it's weird talking about myself and our move all the time), but just catching up in general and engaging in our usual deep discussions about everything from marriage, to our women's group, to church, to faith, to our journey.  It was good.

Then more time with the larger Phriday group, together with Junior.  The time was short, and it wasn't all that different from our usual dinners together before study during the last two years. And that's what made it great: it was just another dinner together, like old times.  Except that it wasn't: it was on a Tuesday instead of a Friday. And it would be our last together for a while. But still good. So many treasured memories with these women.

Mr. Squire came home after his husbands group, and he bore a gift that I guess the Phriday girls didn't have a chance to give me when Junior and I left so that Junior could go home and go to sleep.  A big binder filled with long, heartfelt letters from many of my sisters, and lots of pictures of favorite memories.  What love!  What friendship.  What a blessing this chapter has been.  Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that this would be my greatest legacy and memory from my time in New York.  God truly works in ways we cannot see.

I love my sisters, my Phriday phriends.  The words you have said to me, I repeat to you: I know Jesus loves me...and He loves me so much that He gave me you.

Day 30: Looking Back

In working on something to help secure unemployment for our nanny, I came across something I wrote last summer.

Wow.

What a difference a year makes.  Junior arrived.  We survived, and have since thrived, in our family's expanded state.  And Change in Plans #3 came sure as the morning sun -- preceded again by Chris's visit to the States.  We prayed and he had a vision to share about Junior, but none for me.  But still, shortly thereafter, the pieces came together and ... now our boxes are almost fully packed.  A new adventure awaits.  

But whichever form it takes, I believe, now more than ever, it will be orchestrated by God deep compassion, love, wisdom, and generosity.

That's what I wrote last year...and it's a good reminder as I struggle with the unknowns that lie ahead.  New colleagues. New neighbors.  Finding a church community where God wants us to serve and grow.  Keeping old friends.  Expanding my heart to accommodate new friends, which isn't always easy for me as I hang onto old ones.  An entirely new line of work.  Putting Junior in daycare (which I think will be great for her at this age, but still a big change).  Hot weather.  No autumn.  No snow.  No cold weather.  

God will orchestrate all of these changes with deep compassion, love, wisdom, and generosity--as He always has before.  What a reminder.

* * *

Today was all about business--and getting Junior to nap.  We spent a lot of time packing, packing, packing...donating old stuff, tossing other stuff, packing, packing, and packing.  As our apartment looks less and less like home, Junior becomes more and more clingy to Mommy.  I love seeing her crawl eagerly toward me, arms splayed wide for Mommy, the snuggles and contentedness in Mommy's safe and loving arms.  But (a) I feel sorry for Daddy, and (b) I feel for my baby girl who is about to go through a huge shift in her life.  Granted, she's so young yet, so it won't make a huge difference to her in the long run. But in the short run--and on a level that she can't comprehend--it's going to make a big difference.  Mostly because all her loving aunties and uncles will suddenly disappear.  :(   But God will deal compassionately, lovingly, wisely, and generously toward her...

We've spent 30 days together, her and I.  This evening, the three of us went to the playground after sunset, and it was pitch black outside.  At first, just Junior and I were there together, and she refused to climb the green mountain.  I thought it was because she was too tired and scared of the dark. But when Daddy showed up and climbed to the top, she happily climbed toward him, and we had a great time clambering up with her, then guiding her up and down the slide.  She learned quickly how to use her bare feet to grip the slide and climb back up.  Clever girl.  She's so much fun to watch.  I don't love fruitless attempts to put her down for naps, but I love pretty much everything else. She's a treasure.

Four more days here. The apartment is looking barer and barer.  Another chapter awaits.  As the nervous butterflies accumulate in my stomach, I am thankful for a God who is compassionate, loving, wise, and generous.

Day 29: Traitors

At our church, people who attend for five years get a pen with the church's name on it.  People who attend for ten years get a "communion cup" with the church's logo on it.  (The "communion cup" is actually a shot glass.  We have a weird sense of humor, yes.)  Mr. Squire is just short of ten years; I'm a little more.  But overwhelmingly, we are considered "lifers."  And today our pastor said that maybe, for people like us (lifers who leave), they should give a "communion cup" that says "Traitors."  You'd have to know our pastor to appreciate the humor; for him, that's a way of expressing love and affection.

Today was our last Sunday at church.  I was doing okay until I said goodbye to three sisters (ages 3, 5, and 6) of a family that we love and admire a ton.  Their eldest is one of my favorite kids ever.  Even today, when I said that Junior would grow up to be big like them, but always smaller because she was younger, the eldest piped up and said, "Actually, that's not true... because when you get really really old, you shrink."   She's just brilliant like that.  Anyway, saying goodbye to the three girls and their parents was really hard, and just set into motion a trail of tears for a series of subsequent goodbyes.  

Leaving the two sisters who threw me a bridal shower when we weren't even close friends, because none of my bridesmaids were around to do it.

Leaving the older, single brother, with whom we have spent lots of time giving relationship advice.

Leaving the band of precious sisters in our "Phriday" women's group...including the auntie C-J who looooooooves Junior and was the first person outside of Mr. Squire and me to hold her.  

Leaving the older couple who were neighbors to us in Brooklyn and dear friends since.  They are childless, and Larry always treated Mr. Squire like the son he never had.  We would have cared for them in their old age, had we stayed.

And more...

It has never really mattered to a church whether I stayed or left.  Maybe it mattered to my original home church, but every kid leaves for college; that's different.  Since then, I have attended four different churches, and this is the first one that really became my true family.  We matter to this family, and they matter to us.  We are one and the same, and leaving is like cutting off an arm...and a leg...and probably the other leg as well. 

It won't hit me fully until probably a month from now, when we've moved to Palmtreeville, settled in, and started attending a different church...week after week.  When I miss my small group and long for the comfortable circle of women whom I love mentoring, laughing with, loving, and learning from. This last women's group was particularly special; we spent two years together! And during that two years, I traveled through the desert...became a mom...emerged from the desert...and moved away.  They walked with me through every part of it, and loved me through and through.  You don't find friends like this but once in a lifetime, it seems.

What wonderful care the Father gives to us... and He planned that today--our last Sunday--we should also meet with a very dear law school friend of mine, Bumbleberry, and his lovely wife.  Bumbleberry and I have been friends for a full decade now, and even though we only had three years of school together, we still see each other when we can and talking with him is as comfortable as a soft, worn, beloved blanket.  I'm reminded that the friendships we have that are built on a solid foundation remain despite distance and time.  I hadn't seen Bumbleberry and his wife since before they were married.  More than a year has passed.  But it really only felt like a few months, really.  And I can't help but think that God had us meet with Bumbleberry and his wife on this difficult day, as a reminder that how much more our church-family friendships shall endure, having been built on seven years of journeying together.

And plus...there is eternity ahead for all of us with the bond of Christ, and that is great cause for praise (and relief).  So onward we press... with sorrow in our hearts, but with that sorrow, hope and joy.  And thanksgiving.  

Day 28

Today my online life on Facebook and Instagram came to a screeching halt.  We had dinner with friends--a married couple where both are federal prosecutors--and they advised me to stop posting any photos of Junior on social media of any kind. It's just too risky. 

Sadness. 

I'm not sure how to keep our beloved Northeast Family updated on Junior's growth without the ease of Facebook.  :(  I love sharing photos of my dear Junior...but...for now, until I come up with a viable solution, I'll stay away from posting any meaningful pictures on Facebook. 

Day 28 involved enjoying the fellowship and friendship of dear sisters from church at a baby shower, and dinner with our federal prosecutor friends.  It's going to be a big change -- starting all over again with a new church community.  All. Over. Again.  But there is promise and hope in this new venture, and we look forward to God leading and showing us what He has in store.

Bathands' Diddies by Mommy

Hey diddle diddle / Bathands in the middle / mommy and daddy are over the moon / however, we told her / when you are just a bit older / we're going back to sleep in our own room.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to find their good friend Batty

Then the three climbed up a tree to look for Batty's daddy

Batty's daddy was at the table, finishing his queso

when all of a sudden, Batty came running, to give him a beso

Dear Junior

Dear Bathands,

We've now spent several weeks together full-time since Mommy quit her job.  Mommy plans to take 6 months of maternity leave for your sibling--whenever he or she may come--and I like to think that this 2 months with you rounds out your own 6 months with Mommy at home. Works out well. :)

The last several weeks have been very full. We took a ten-day trip out to Palmtreeville to stake out the place and find a new apartment to make our home for the next while. We visited a church and got to know a family there. We took you to two public libraries and found a daycare for you.  We drove back and forth from Ama and Agong's home many times. Palmtreeville really isn't that big.  But this change is big. Really big.

We're getting used to the idea. That ten-day trip was good for all of us.  Good, but not fun.  No, it was hot.  It was humid.  It was lonely above everything else.  That's probably why we went to Costco three times during our first six days. It's going to be a tough transition.  But it was a good trip because God blessed us and gave us the opportunity to see our new home up close--then return back to our heart-home to close out shop over the next three weeks.  

It's been a rich two weeks since we've been back.  We have met up with all of our closest neighbors, many of our closest brothers and sisters at church, most of Daddy's family, and some of Mommy's coworkers.  

You and I have also spent a lot of time together.  You love crawling into Mommy's arms for every reason and no reason at all.  You are so close to walking, and you recently learned how to push the alligator clacker across the carpet (you strong girl!).  You have regressed in your ability to nap by yourself because Mommy and Daddy are available all the time. This afternoon, you and Mommy napped together, and it was very sweet.  You love stuffed animals and grin wildly and get excited when they talk to you (Mommy's girl!).  You eat peas and raspberries with enthusiasm, though "the gate is closed" with respect to cereal.  You still love nursing and open your mouth widely in anticipation, then resolutely stick your forefinger into Mommy's mouth to twiddle as if it's your birthright. 

You delight Mommy and Daddy every day with your amazing grins, which you flash with amazing frequency throughout each day. You are genuinely a happy, happy baby.  We are super-blessed by your joyful spirit.

You're still learning how to obey us with respect to not touching wires, iPhones, the kitchen floor, and the refrigerator.  Keeping you out of the kitchen is especially challenging when Mommy is cooking because you just want to be near Mommy. Luckily, Purse Mountain is right next to the kitchen, so many times you occupy yourself there as Mommy works in the kitchen. Or Daddy brings you into the kitchen to watch.

Your security "blanket" seems to be Mommy's old Otterbox. You love to clutch it and bring it from place to place as you move on with your other daily activities.  It's funny.  

We love you so much and adore these opportunities to watch you grow. Mommy in particular is so, so, SO grateful for these extra days to revel in your presence and enjoy you from day to day.  It's not always easy to stay engaged, but I try hard. These days were hard-won. It's not so long ago that Mommy was working late nights and weekends, and apologizing to you left and right for not spending enough time with you.  Let's enjoy these days together, my dear Batty. And let's give thanks to our generous God who provided these wonderful memories.

Lots of love to Bathands,

Mommy

Reflections

Hello from Palmtreeville.  What an eventful couple weeks it has been! 

I finished working at the Firm and enjoyed a warm and heartfelt sendoff, which was really nice.  Cakes, speeches, farewell lunches, gifts, voicemails, emails, visits... it was all reflective of the strong ties and overwhelmingly positive experience I had there over the last several years. I know that is a gift from God and I'm so thankful.

I've been off ever since, and Junior has been enjoying 24/7 time with Mommy--so much so that she has *finally* started to babble with frequency...and the thing she says most is "mama mama mama."  Be still my heart.  Best sound EVER.  Even in the early morning when she's flashing her huge grin while murmuring "mama mama mama" and trying to climb up to our bed (given our fun little setup here at Mr. Squire's parents' place, where there is no crib, so we put a huge mattress on the floor next to our bed).  And even in the dead of night (as was the case last night) when she was howling for no apparent reason and in the midst of her sobbing, she cried "mama! mama! mama!"  What a sound.  I love it.   And I'm relieved that it has put to rest (for now) my concerns about her being speech-delayed.

I've been enjoying 24/7 time with Junior, too.  Being able to spend more time with her means knowing her better, and satisfying our mutual (I think) longing for more time together.  Her grin lights up the room, and her laugh is contagious.  She loves slapping surfaces, playing with doors and door springs,  blind pulls, and snapping bands, straps, and everything else her fingers can find.  She thinks it's funny when I play "telephone" with the slinky I gave her (it was mine; I bought it 20+ years ago).  She is mostly obedient when it comes to avoiding things that we designate as "no no."  She is very good in crowds and likes to smile at other people (though she mostly won't let them hold her).

She is really tall. And strong.  We spent a good half hour teaching her how to use pillows or Daddy's torso as leverage to climb onto the big bed and she's got it down now.  She doesn't like being put into her mousetrap (car seat), and arches her back and tries to stand in tremendous protest.  And she likes to pull the glasses off of my face. 

We took her swimming yesterday and she had a great time splashing around. It's warmer--much warmer--here, so the pool isn't cold for her and she likes it.  Good thing, too... would be tough to live here and not like pools. :-p  It's been very hot here (and we're at the END of summer--horrors!) and she's taking the heat okay, but she doesn't love it. Neither do I. :-p 

She did great during our two intense days of looking for an apartment. We saw maybe 10 properties altogether, so she spent a lot of time riding in the car and shuttling in and out of properties and in and out of the air conditioning.  Not easy for a baby. We've been very proud of her.

Oh, and I came up with my own nursery rhyme for Junior, since I don't like the original version of Jack and Jill.  Here goes:

Jack and Jill ran up the hill

To fetch their good friend Batty.

Then the three

Climbed up a tree

To look for Batty's daddy.

Batty's daddy was at the table

finishing his queso.

When all of a sudden

Batty came runnin'

to give him a little beso! 

Tada!

It's like my riff on pat-a-cake...

Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake

Baker's man

Bake me a cake as fast as you can

pat it and poke it

and mark it with a B

and put it in the oven

for Bathands and me.

Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake

Baker's man

Bake Daddy a cake as fast as you can

pat it and poke it

and mark it with a D

Otherwise Daddy's going to say,

"Guys? Guys?...What about me?!"

Pat-a-cake, Pat-a-cake

Baker's man

Bake Mommy a cake as fast as you can

pat it and poke it

and mark it with an M

otherwise...OM NOM NOM 

NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

We found an apartment, by God's grace.  It's got a lot of space (ironically, three times the space we had in Brooklyn, but for less rent) in a beautiful neighborhood that we are considering for a permanent home. Not sure yet, but that's why we're renting there for a year--so we can try it out.  We've been praying for a soft landing and I think/hope/pray that this will fit that bill.

I continue to have apprehension about this move, but I think it's normal.  This trip has been good, because it has made the move real.  Like...we really don't know anyone. So we spend all of our time together.  It's really hot here...so we spend a lot of time indoors because we have to.  We don't have a church yet...and we need to find one, but what will it be like?  And we really don't know much about the area...so we need to figure that stuff out.  And our time here has been good for driving all of those points home, and giving us a taste of what our initial period here will be like.  Then we get to fly home for a bit of a reprieve and time for reflection and further mental preparation...and then we come down here for real.  It's a tremendous blessing to have a long lead time before I start my job; I'm very grateful.

We met a family at the church we attended today, and they invited us over for dinner, so we'll spend more time with them tomorrow.  I like them, at least on our initial meeting.  And I so appreciate their willingness to reach out to us right away. It's weird being on the receiving end again.  I'm back to where I was just a few years ago, when I first moved to New York.  A lot has happened since then...and I'm reminded that God will provide here, as He richly provided there.

All in all...I'm still nervous.  Sometimes I think to myself, what have I done?? But it's easy to think that when I'm on an extended vacation, done with Firm life, done with being on-call 24/7, done with the intensity that is private practice in the City.  In my moments when I think I might regret all of this, I need to remember first and foremost that this is the product of years of prayer and seeking.  God brought us here; both Mr. Squire and I believe that wholeheartedly, even though this change is already very difficult for us.  

And second, I need to remember that Egypt isn't better.  Egypt is leaving home at 8:30 and getting home at 7:15--on a good day.  Egypt is checking email constantly and not knowing whether an assignment will come in, ruining evening, weekend, holiday, or vacation plans.  Egypt is working until midnight or later, preparing for a trial, while pregnant or coming right out of maternity leave.  Egypt is lots of paper. Lots and lots of paper. And fighting over discovery.  Egypt is things getting harder--not easier--as you advance.  Egypt is doing something that wasn't my original calling, nor my permanent calling, it seems.

Still, the exodus out of Egypt is hard.  We are called to be strong and courageous, though, trusting fully in God who is leading us and with us and for us.

The song "Oceans" speaks to me just as much as it did back in April when all of this began.

​​You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior