Reflections on the Weekend

I'll just come out and say it:  I'm a bit of a crybaby.  I cry a lot.  I'm very sensitive.  I'm a feeler.  And when I start crying, I can't stop.  That's probably why I've cried every day for three days now.

God knew this was going to happen--I just know He did.  And I believe that He timed the church leadership retreat in advance to coincide with an unusually low period at work.  He knew I would struggle to make it to the leadership retreat, because I've been working every other weekend to play catchup.  He also knew that He would arrange things so that, notwithstanding the pressure of the week on each side of the retreat, I would be able to attend the retreat.  And He knew that it was exactly what I would need at that point.  

I know He knew.  This is one example of why, when they asked during retreat what are some of the attributes of God that I am thankful for, I said I was thankful that (1) God is loving, and (2) God is all-powerful.  He is awesome because He is both of these things at the same time.  Say God is loving, but He can't do anything to help us:  that's nice, but not particularly helpful.  In contrast, say God is all-powerful, but He doesn't love us:  that is frightening.  But God is loving and He can do something about His love:  that is beautiful, comforting, almost magical.  He is so praiseworthy.  

What follows are a smattering of my thoughts about the weekend:

• There were nineteen of us who attended retreat.  These are leaders in various ministries (hospitality, missions, small groups, elders, etc.), and as I looked around the table at each face, I was overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for each one.  I came to this church five years ago, struggled for two years with wanting to leave it, and then in the latter three years, started really developing serious relationships with people at the church (thanks to C, who reminded me that I couldn't hang onto my law school fellowship forever -- thank you, C. Love you!).  Now, five years and two leadership retreats later, I could look around the table and see eighteen other faces of people I love and trust and respect.  I am grateful to be able to journey through this part of my life with them.  Most of them attended our wedding two years ago, and although I sense that we will not remain in NYC forever--or even that much longer, really--these people and this church have a place in my heart right alongside my law school fellowship.  I am so thankful for them. 

• We spent a lot of time in prayer this weekend (Mr. Squire joked this afternoon during church that he had prayer fatigue), which was awesome.  We spent a lot of time methodically sharing and then praying about questions such as: (1) what is an attribute of God that you praise Him for?  (2) what is something you need to confess right now? (3) what is something you're thankful for?  (4) what do you see God doing in our church right now? (5) what is something you need prayer for?  (6) who is your neighbor?  (7) what does your neighbor care most about? (8) how can you take steps to serve your neighbor?  (9) how can we pray for your neighbor?  .... Just such a soul-filling time, especially for me, because I love to pray and am energized by prayer.  It's a bit peculiar, because I struggle a lot with having sufficient faith.  Maybe that's why God gave me the spiritual gift of prayer, though... to help build my faith?

• One thing that we always do at leadership retreat is share our spiritual timelines--big posterboards on which we have mapped out the major events of our lives that God has used to shape us over time.  They keep the posters from past years (I first drew mine last year), so you can see other people's timelines from past retreats, and you can update your own.  Then we spent a good 30 minutes each sharing our timelines in detail with a small group of others that we serve with.  I love learning more about my brothers and sisters in this way, because it helps me understand who they are so much better.  

• The drawing/updating of my own timeline was also a good time to reflect on what God has done in my life.  I realized this year that a shift has happened in my timeline.  It was very apparent to me last year when I originally drew the timeline that over time, from childhood to present, God has told various stories of redemption in my life.  Broken family relationships have mended over the course of decades, in a most unlikely manner.  Fears and anxieties stemming from my racial identity issues played out over many years, resulting in real reconciliation with who I am.  Financial insecurities finally have been redeemed over time.  And through all of those tumultuous years during which God slowly and painfully ironed out the massive wrinkles, the one constant that kept me level and rooted was a strong sense of God's calling for me in terms of work and mission.  Notwithstanding the chaos and hurt surrounding me, I always found great solace and assurance of God's reality in my life through His leading in calling me to a particular type of work.  It dawned on me this weekend as I updated my timeline that everything has been turned upside down now.  Before, the clarity of calling was my spiritual anchor  that helped me keep the faith when I didn't know where I was going in other areas of my life.  But now that those other areas of my life have largely been resolved and redeemed...the calling part has become a dark, confusing, lonesome, and scary desert.  I don't see God in it anymore, no matter how hard I am trying to look and to pursue His will.  I ask, and He has not (to my knowledge) answered (yet).  I knock, and hear no response.  I seek, but I have not found.  And it is very discouraging.  I am sad.  I am frightened.  And it is very, very hard for me to talk to God about this.  It is a very present problem in my faith.  And there must be some meaning to this (and thanks so much to Mel for praying for me today, that I would have patience to wait on God for an answer--whether it be for a week, a month, a year, or ten years, or forty years).  In the meantime, the great redemption that God has already worked out over the past 25 years in other areas of my life now keeps me afloat.  It's a perfect flip-flop, and I would almost characterize it as poetic if it weren't so painful.

• We spent a large chunk of Saturday night encouraging one another.  I loved this.  And I needed it.  This is what I mean when I say that God KNEW that I needed to be at this retreat at this very time.  One thing we did was write an encouragement on a board dedicated to each person at the retreat.  By the time we passed around everyone's boards, they all had 18 phrases, words, messages, or pictures of encouragement on them.  Ours (mine and Mr. Squire's) are now hanging on our bedroom door.  The ongoing theme for him is that he is joyful, servant-hearted, and an exemplary husband (which I totally agree with!).  The ongoing theme for me is that I am a strong encourager, insightful/wise, and caring.  I was touched and uplifted to receive these affirmations from my beloved brothers and sisters.  I also loved the opportunity to share my real thoughts about each of them:  I drew a sheep and a crook for our pastor, who is a good shepherd.  For Mr. Squire's mentor, I wrote that he is a true servant of Christ who loves as Jesus did.  For my own mentors, I sent messages of my love and admiration for their gentleness, wisdom, and hearts that pursue Christ at all times.  God has given this body so much.

• The other awesome encouragement exercise we did was the touching game, which sounds way more sketchy than it is.  Basically five people sat down in chairs and closed their eyes, and then phrases would be read.  The phrases were like, "Someone who has prayed for you," "Someone who has given you hope," "Someone who you look forward to walking with," and stuff like that.  The other fourteen people would mill around after each phrase was read and touch the shoulder of any/all of the five people to whom the phrases pertained.  As a seated person, you could feel so much love in each pat or lingering squeeze on the shoulder, and you could sense by sheer number that we truly do impact each other's lives.  This, too, was soul-feeding.

• We stayed in an old convent. It was beautiful and old and a calming, inspiring setting.  I loved it.  I missed sleeping with Mr. Squire (they only have the single rooms that nuns sleep in), but I loved the monastic setting.  There's something to having such a meditative atmosphere.  It was awesome.

• We had wonderful group strategic discussions about what we're seeing in our church, what the culture is, and whether and how we can change various parts of it.  There's such a degree of trust among all the people who were there, and the love for others in our community was so evident.  I love serving with these folks and felt so blessed to be there.

So...that's basically it.  Lots of good things.  My heart is full again.  I'm still terrified of the week ahead, and have prayed for courage to make it through.  But I know I am in much better condition than I otherwise would have been.  Praise God.  I may not know where You're leading me, and that's really hard for me because I just want to know that You are pleased with how I'm using the talents You have given me.  But I do know that You are sustaining me... and much as I kick and scream, Your grace really is enough.  Thank You, Lord.