The Remaining Days: the Eve of the Eve

How quickly they have gone!  And how to measure the days?

Seven visits to the playground.

Approximately 20 miles walked around the neighborhood.

Five visits to Publix.  I'm not very efficient.

Four items picked up from the dry cleaners.  My suits are ready to go.

One movie.  ("The Imitation Game" was amazing!)

One TV episode.  (Catching up on "Sherlock"!)

Ten e-books, downloaded from the public library.  Now that Junior is almost a year old, I'm finally getting back to nighttime reading.  Yesss!

A couple new friends, or "maybe-friends," I should call them.  Don't know if they'll really be friends.  But had a playground date with one mom and her kiddos, and that was fun.

Three trips to the library, including one for storytime.

One new ham-and-beans recipe.  

Six pounds of BBQ ribs.

Two carrot cakes.  (One for dinner at my new boss's house tomorrow, together with my new colleagues!)

Lots of salad.  Many pounds of prepared salad.

A pineapple.  A goldendew.  Four pounds of grapes.  And one beautiful, juicy, amazing watermelon(!!!).  Exiled to the corner of Costco and we found it anyway.  *slurp*

Many, many hours with Junior -- swinging her on the swings, benchpressing her up into the air to make her squeal, reading and rereading the same books, driving her to and from the library, nursing and nursing and nursing round the clock, feeding her bananas and Cheerios and salmon and green peas and her beloved carrots and my beloved watermelon, luring her to the piano by playing it, steering as she "walks" her stroller around the apartment, keeping her hands away from the edge of the bed and computer wires, (only semi-successfully) making sure she doesn't eat mulch at the playground, singing and dancing together, giving lots of snuggles, watching her grow up day by day.

Good talks and reconnection with Mr. Squire.  With the move and transition, we got a bit lost.  We're good again.  :)

And now, Halloween in Palmtreeville.  It's a very, VERY big deal in this neighborhood.  Neighborman said he went through TEN bags of candy last Halloween.  Ten bags of candy FROM COSTCO.  I kid you not.  Can't wait to check it out, although it honestly is way too hot to put Junior in her (super-adorable) lobster costume.

And tomorrow, November.  And the day after that...back to the workforce.  

It actually just occurred to me yesterday that I'm returning to work on Monday.  Since then, I've been trying to sort out how I feel about it.  And I've concluded, after much proverbial head-scratching, that...I don't feel a lot of the things that I feel that I should be feeling.  I'm a little nervous, yes, but...not really that nervous.  I'm a little scared, yes, but...actually not much.  I'm a lot excited, yes, but...I'm not losing sleep over it.  In other words, this feels a lot like how I felt the night before I got married.  Excited, happy, but totally level and chill.  Because I knew it was right.

I felt more right about marriage than I do about this job, but it's pretty close.  And I guess that's what happens when you have spiritual conviction, plus decades of dreaming, working, praying, hoping, and one huge years-long setback, followed by deliverance.  This is it.  The time has come.  We're on the eve of eve, and all I can say is, "It is good."  That, and "Thank You so much for the last two months.  And all that preceded them."

Days 55-58: Gifts and Lessons

One more week left until I start work!  And some big things are starting to come together more in a tangible way.

Daycare.  We brought Junior to the daycare that she'll be joining in a few weeks (she'll spend the first couple at home with Daddy until our health insurance kicks in), and she LOVED it.  Got right into the thick of it and started exploring and wandering away--far, far away from Mommy--immediately.  Definitely a good sign.  I wasn't altogether surprised, because she's very curious and pretty independent, and she LOVES other kids.  But it was, of course, encouraging to witness firsthand her ability to take off and do her own thing.  I know it's not quite the same, because I was still around.  But she's going to be just fine, and I'm really happy about that.  It's a wonderful program and I couldn't have asked for anything better for her.

Halloween.  We've attended two Halloween-ish events in our area already.  One was a kids' fest, and one was a trunk-or-treat hosted by a local church. Both were fun.  Junior didn't go in costume because both were outdoors and it is Palmtreeville (aka Furnaceville), after all. We're waiting for the costume day at the library this week...then she hopefully will cooperate with Mommy's attempts to put her in the adorable lobster costume I picked up at a local consignment store for less than $3.50.  :)  It's great to know that there are so many awesome kid-centered and community activities around here. 

Church!  As I've written about before, Sundays have been tough here as we've been looking for churches.  Every Sunday, I would come home and either feel like crying, or just outright cry. I knew all of this would take time, but going through it is still hard -- especially since the churches we were visiting just didn't feel like the right fit for one reason or another.  We continue to pray for God's leading and direction.  

THANKFULLY (!), the church we visited today shows promise for being our long-term church. It is close to our home (which was important to us - living near our fellow church congregants), the sermon was excellent in terms of style and content (very challenging, and happened to mirror the passages in Deuteronomy and Joshua that I've been studying for the last few weeks on my own!), people were really welcoming (something that hadn't been true at some of the other churches), we met a couple InterVarsity staff who attend there (IV folks are always a good sign - and we had some good GJ fandom going on together), the size was about the same as our City church (so not a huge megachurch), it was okay-diverse in terms of age range and we saw at least a few minorities besides ourselves, they have lots of community groups and an emphasis on journeying together in smaller groups (we will attend one tomorrow night), they have some great involvement in terms of community outreach, and it reminded me a lot of the church I attended (and loved) in college.  Pretty good combination. :) 

A Conversation with Junior.  One of the things discussed during today's sermon was the fact that pleasing God requires (a) believing in Him and (b) believing that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.  And God says we must lay down our crosses and follow Him for the sake of His kingdom--regardless of the cost.  As the preacher (who was teaching out of I Corinthians 10) discussed various temptations that the passage warns against, one that stuck out to me was the temptation of leading an easy, comfortable, familiar, and utterly unproductive life.  Taking the talents and gifts God gave me and just...enjoying it, and not multiplying it for His kingdom.  

This stuck out to me, in part, because we happen to live in a really nice neighborhood.  And Junior will be going to a really nice daycare.  And probably will go to a really nice school as she grows up.  And while I miss my City family terribly much, I will be the first to admit that friendships aside, life is significantly easier here.  From the traffic to the noise to the in-unit laundry to the niceties of living where we live,...life is just easier here.  I can see why people come here to retire.  :-p  

I was reminded, through the sermon, and I'm sure also through the Holy Spirit's nudging, that everything I described in the previous paragraph is NOT the reason why we were sent here. I believe they are fringe benefits that God has given to us as an act of mercy and generosity and compassion, because He knew how difficult the transition would be. So He has granted our prayer for a soft landing here in Palmtreeville.  But there's more to my life than this.  So much more.  

And who knows what costs God may call me to cough up along the way.  But of immediate concern I know of at least one major one:  significantly less time with Junior.  How I have treasured and savored these two months at home with her!  I delight in watching her eat.  I delight in watching her play.  I delight in snuggling with her (as I've mentioned a gazillion times).  I delight in nursing her.  I delight in making her smile and laugh.  I delight in hearing her speak.  I delight in reading to her.  I simply delight in her so very much.  ...and now we're scaling back a ton again.  

In light of the sermon, and in light of my desire to prepare my daughter for what lies ahead--and my desire to model the things I'm learning from God as they happen--I had the following conversation with her before she went to sleep this evening:

Hi Batty.  I just want you to know... as I've been telling you, Mommy is going back to work soon.  In just a week, Mommy is going to start her new job.  We won't be spending all of our time together anymore.  I've had such a great time with you! Mommy loves you so, so much.  And just because Mommy is leaving to work, doesn't mean she doesn't love you.  God called us here to Palmtreeville for a reason.  We're here for a purpose.  And Mommy needs to live out that purpose and use the talents, skills, and opportunities God has given her to do the work that God set forth for her.  This means a lot less time with you -- and that's going to be really hard for Mommy.  But God wants us to carry our cross and follow Him.  And for me, less time with you is a cross to bear.  I just want you to know why I'm doing it, though.  I hope you grow up to understand -- and that you'll never question how much Mommy loves you.  May God protect you when Mommy cannot.  And may God provide for you in Mommy's absence much more than Mommy could have provided by clinging to you.  

I'm not saying it won't be hard.  But I am saying that I believe it will be worth it.

Days 52-54: Savoring the Final Days of Freedom

Dear Junior,

We're back to the weekdays, which means life is easier and hurts a little less.  Daddy is back to work now, so it's just you and me during the day (though Daddy joins us for lunch).  

You're sick (again!), which stinks. But you are such a trooper.  Even with your hoarse, pitiful-sounding cough, you still issue plenty of crinkly-nose smiles and crawl around the apartment with alacrity.  Just...with less precision than usual, and you seek snuggles from Mommy a lot more.  And Mommy is more than happy to oblige! As I always say, "Do you just want some snuggles from Mommy? Is that all you need? Sure, I can give you some snuggles. Mommy always wants to give you snuggles." Snuggling with you is one of my favorite things ever!

Unfortunately with your illness comes bad sleep, again. You still don't know how to sleep through the night, but these days you are waking us up every 1-2 hours again.  Just like when you were a newborn!  So we're a little bleary-eyed, but it's still good. 

You usually want to be up (even though you're sick) by 7:30 in the morning.  I usually lay in bed with you and try to convince you to rest for another hour or so as I try to squeeze in a little more sleep and pray that you'll get more too.  You usually quietly suck your thumb and get drowsy enough to trick me into thinking that you'll sleep--but then your bright eyes pop open and you flip-and-grin, pursue the blinds pulls that you love to put in your mouth, of start twiddling with my face, my shirt, or your frog again.

Then we get up, and we play for a little bit.  These days you love pushing your stroller around.  You stand up behind it and push from the back, walking happily behind until you get stuck behind a wall or the couch. Mommy then redirects you and you're on your merry way again.  You also love putting EVERYTHING in your mouth. Still. I actually don't mind--except when it's stuff that's really not good for you (like our shoes) or it's your books.  Books are for reading, not eating, little one!  You also like waving your arms back and forth and making an "UH-uh-UH-uh-Uh-uh-UH-uh-UH-uh" sound when you're on your knees and either excited about something or wanting us to pick you up.   You also continue to exhibit a preference for Mommy over Daddy (which I'm sure will switch at some point, and then Mommy will cry big, hot tears).  When I reach out to hold you, you turn toward me with open arms, grin widely, and totally melt my heart.  

After you play, we go out for a stroll.  You don't like this part, but I insist on you getting some time in the fresh air and making sure your eyes get some real exposure to sunlight so your circadian rhythm isn't off.  We've been exploring all parts of our gorgeous neighborhood and meeting neighbors and their kids at the various playgrounds as we go along.  You love seeing the bigger kids, especially.  The playgrounds aren't great for you (yet) because they're built for toddlers and up, but you'll grow into them soon. Thankfully you are finally getting into the swing and having fun with it now.

After the stroll, we come back and play and have lunch.  Then we play some more or have an outing, and then you have your long nap.  And that's when Mommy catches up on all the tasks on her to-do list.  :-p  Then more playtime (maybe another trip to the playground closest to us) and dinner.  Mealtimes are fun because you know how to feed yourself, and we're always interested in seeing what foods you're into.  These days you loooove carrots, avocado, all kinds of fruit, and legumes.  Not so much into meats.  Or Cheerios.  And you love not only getting your hands all dirty -- you love putting those dirty hands in your ears and in your hair.  SO GREASY.  SO MESSY.  EVERYWHERE.  AND IN YOUR EARS AND YOUR HAIR(!).  Cleaning all of that up (without getting dirty myself) is one of my least favorite parts of the day.  But you're so cute, and that helps.

Anyway, after dinner and some playtime, then bedtime.  The days just pass, one after the other.  

Sometimes when I feel like I've recited "Barnyard Dance" to you ten times in a row and chased you around the apartment n times, and tried to make your stuffies have interesting conversations with you multiple times, I start to wonder when lunch time or nap time or dinner time or bedtime will be.  And I want those times to come sooner rather than later.  But I know that the days are passing quickly, and the years will pass even faster. You won't long remain this non-walking, food-in-hair, semi-babbling bundle of joy that I can carry around with one arm.  You're almost a year old, and the next two decades will zoom by.  I should be willing the time to move more slowly, not more quickly.

And that's why I take time to journal about you and what you're doing, and what you're into, and what you're like, from time to time.  In a blink, you'll change again.  In two blinks, the only record I'll have of what you were like today will be in a couple precious photos, maybe a video, and this.  And my memory. 

What a precious gift you are, dear Junior.  Better than I could have hoped or asked for.  You're truly my pride and joy.  I love you through and through and hope you know it all your life.

I've been warning you that I start work in a few days.  I hope you take it okay.  Please know that I'm not abandoning you.  Know that I love you and will return home to you every day.  And frankly, I think you're going to love daycare because you love socializing and you're going to have a blast making friends and playing with others.  You'll hopefully miss me at least a weensy bit--but I'll be coming home right around the time you start to miss me.  

We still have a few days left together.  Feel better soon! And let's enjoy the rest of our full-time days together to the max.  This has been such a tremendous gift.  I'm so thankful!

Love,

Mommy

Days 48-51: It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing

Okay, that's a little extreme, I admit it.  But honestly when I sat down to write tonight, that's the first phrase that came to mind.

Just had a really good processing/debriefing/reflecting/prayer time with Mr. Squire and God just now.  I really needed it.  Day to day, when we're at home bumming around and just trying to get to know our way around the beautiful neighborhood and mapping out new meals to add to our dinner rotation, it's not so bad.  Life in the capsule of just Daddy and Junior is pretty awesome, I'm not gonna lie.  Funny, endlessly entertaining husband, and a super-cute and super-snuggly baby who is just learning to stand and gets her hands on everything.  Plus a 250-meter swim in the outdoor lap pool under the vast blue sky in the afternoons.  Not. Bad. At. All.

But Sundays...Sundays are really tough here.  I am reminded of how alone we are.  I miss my brothers and sisters from our home church.  I miss their love, care, concern, presence, and company.  I miss seeing how the pregger sisters are doing, and catching up with the new moms, and learning from the old ones.  I miss giving and receiving encouragement, from heart to beloved heart.  I miss our routine of driving into the City, hoping and circling for a parking spot (and finally getting one!), attending prayer meeting, scavenging for snacks at the welcome table, catching up with people before service, bopping to the worship with Junior and other moms with babies, going through service and learning from the messages (which have gotten a lot better in recent years), and catching up with people after service.  I just miss doing life with my community, my family.  They're gone.

Monday through Saturday, it's easy to feel that we're just on one big vacation (especially since I haven't started work yet).  But on Sunday, as we visit other churches, I am reminded that this is permanent.  And then I think to myself, what have I done?!  My heart sinks.  It gets sad.  I begin to feel lost.  I start to cry on the inside.  I sort of drown in the quicksand of regret.  At some point, I kind of snap out of it as I remind myself, God led us here. This is what we prayed for. This is what He gave us. God brought us here. He has a plan.  He will provide.  Don't long for Egypt, don't wish for a return to slavery.  You don't know what God will do. You've only been here for a few days! Community takes time. God will provide.  God has a plan.  Don't be foolish; trust in Him!  Rejoice and give thanks.  God brought us here. 

It makes me feel better for a time, but only a time.  So today when we got back from church, I had me a good chat and cry with God.  I confessed my fear, my lack of trust, my lack of gratitude, how easily I have forgotten and discounted His provision.  Thankfully God is a good Father who disciplines and loves and forgives.  I believe He will be patient with me as I grow, and He wants me to grow -- and He will help me grow.  But growing is tough, and it takes work and effort and time.  I've forgotten how hard it is to start over.  Apart from my student days, I've never actually started over in a place without any friends (although now I have my own family, and that certainly helps a ton).  It's hard!  And lonely.  A good reminder that God is our help, though. Always our help and loving Father.

On to our second full week here.

Day 47: It's Official

I got my driver's license today.   Officially a Palmtreeville resident.  And I took a swim in the outdoor lap pool across the street, in late afternoon, under a big blue sky.  And met a couple more neighbors (oddly, we keep meeting people who recently moved here from the City!).

So...things are getting real. 

In other news, Junior delights us through and through.  From the way that she uses her little index finger to pick out a bit of food to raise to her mouth, to the way she issues a mini-whine and buries her head in my lap when she's tired, to her ginormous toothy grin... every day with her is such a gift!  

Days 42-46: Settling In

The last few days have been such a flurry of activity.  

Move in.  Unpack as quickly as possible, so as to minimize the impact of the move on Junior.  (Don't ask how, but in this process, we unwittingly threw out two lamps. Oops.)  Hang up photos.  Buy furniture.  Give everything a home.  Try out a couple playgrounds.  Visit a second church.  Visit IKEA.  

I was so tired out by all of this that I slept for twelve hours (with two nursing sessions at 3am and 7am) last night.  Twelve.  Hours.  

I'm feeling better now.

But not about everything.  This whole transition thing...I'm a little rusty at it after having spent 7 years in the City.  And it's been a little lonely.  When we went to the playground, two yogamoms were there with their kiddos, and we probably appeared way too eager to be friends.  Or we stuck out as a family of three, rather than a mom-baby dyad.  Or I don't look like a yogamom.  Or I'm not Caucasian.  Not sure what combination of the foregoing was the cause, but they were absolutely uninterested in making any type of conversation.  Wahr-wahrrrr.

Must remember that these things take time.

Oh! But in other news, we had our first out-of-town visitor.  One of Mr. Squire's friends from his college church was here for work, so we had dinner together and it was awesome to see her and catch up.  We have prayed for a soft landing, and visits like Mandy's count as an answer to that prayer (we also know of others who are coming in the next several months. Yay!).

We visited a church on Sunday and the pastor spoke about how the Israelites were delivered out of Egypt, but immediately started complaining.  They had just crossed--on dry land--through a significant body of water.  And they were being delivered from slavery and into a land where they were to flourish.  And they were complaining.

I immediately thought about how much I resemble the Israelites in that way... I'm lonely and a little scared that we'll always feel like foreigners in a strange (HOT!) land.  I almost regret leaving about 80% of the time.  I'm longing for Egypt (see previous post) again. 

But then... I need to pinch myself, and wake up my soul.  This is where God has led us.  This is what He has given us.  Where we are -- yes, even in this strange, HOT land -- is a gift to our family and to me specifically.  And yes, it may take some time to adjust.  And yes, friendships and community may take a while to take shape and gain life. But this is where we're supposed to be, and it is therefore good.  (Maybe I should print that out and post it on the bathroom mirror or something.)

Anyway, that's where we're at right now.  

Separately, Mommy continues to relish all of her bonus time with Junior.  What a special gift that little one is.  She is so much fun, with her smiles and funny expressions, with her ability to make a game out of nothing, with her joy and snuggles.  The snuggles are especially wonderful.  When she sees me and lights up, and crawls as fast as she can toward me (and she is fast!), it's the best thing ever.  Best. Thing. Ever.  I love being her mom.  What a privilege it has been.  Mommy loves you, Junior!!!

And with that, time to turn in for the night.  About to visit the DMV and become a Palmtreeville resident tomorrow.  :-o

Days 40-41: The Words That Brought Me Here

I've been off of work for more than five weeks now... enough time to really clear my mind of civil litigation (Federal Rules of What?) and start really reflecting on the magnitude of the change we're making.  

The day we got here, Junior started burning up badly with a fever, and she hovered around 102-103 for 48 hours.  Plus diarrhea.  The fever has since subsided, though the diarrhea remains.  Nothing makes you feel quite so lonely and far from home as being sick far from home.  :(  But we have continued to experience God's goodness and provision despite Junior's situation.  For instance:

• Our movers didn't come on move-in day; instead, they are coming later in the delivery window.  While this annoyed me tremendously in the beginning, I now see it as providence because the move in will go much more smoothly if we're not caring for an acutely ill Junior at the same time.  She's much less clingy to Mommy and generally needs a lot fewer nursing sessions when she's feeling better.

• The later move-in date gave us a chance to get some other things set up, like really getting a good look at the space and mapping it out so that move-in goes more quickly.

• Mr. Squire's parents came to help out, and they arrived last night.  We've stayed at their house here before, but never with them.  It's been quite fun and nice; kind of like being on vacation with them.  It helps to have an extra four hands to help out with Junior, and stepping back gives me a chance to enjoy watching her play with others.  The parents also cooked a delicious seafood meal (who knew that baked squid with nothing added would be so tasty??) and we enjoyed a nice evening walk on the golf course, where we spotted a bunch of tiny, days-old turtles and had fun introducing them to Junior.

The extra time before move-in has also given us a little more space and time to decompress.  For me, that meant diving back into Deuteronomy this evening, which led me to reflect and remember the key words and verses that God has used to minister to me over the last several years.

When the oceans rise and thunders roll, I will soar with You above the storm.  Father, You are king over the flood; I will be still, know You are God.  Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone. Know His power in quietness and trust.

Back when Mr. Squire was teaching and I was in my second job, things were altogether difficult.  Mr. Squire's job was super-draining on him, and bolstering him every night was super-draining on me. On top of that, I was in a work environment that was somewhat toxic and left me feeling emotionally and spiritually stressed and discouraged.  I played this song on the piano every day, for months, before starting work each morning -- and the prayer helped center me for the day.

The Lord goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  (Deuteronomy 31:8)

When I started my last job, I had no idea what to expect.  I didn't realize it yet, but I was in the desert period, and I felt that I was flagging in every way possible in terms of understanding God, His will for my work, and my ability to hear His voice.  It was a dark time.  This verse became my daily mantra and reminder that God went before me.  Doing what, and for what, I didn't know...but He was with me, sitting with me in the desert.  I wasn't alone. 

Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord.  Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward.  It is the Lord Christ you are serving.   (Colossians 3:22-24)

About a year into the desert, I realized (by way of our church retreat, whose subject was faith and work) that I was in the desert and had better get used to it, because God keeps us in the desert until we are ready to be drawn out into the work that God has prepared and called us to do.  And in the meantime, our job is to flourish in the desert.  

Honestly, I didn't have a whole lot of interest in my work -- and although the people I worked with were 90% amazing, there were the 10% who were not amazing, and I found myself dragging my feet and sporting a very poor attitude toward them and their assignments.  That's when God brought this verse to me and reminded me to serve Him in my work and do my best because He is my boss.  I pinned this verse up at work as a daily and visible reminder, and sometimes after hanging up the phone in a huff, I had to repeat the verse aloud to be reminded again.

"Painting Pictures of Egypt" (by Sara Groves).  The whole song, but especially these parts: "I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked / the future feels so hard and I want to go back / but the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned / and those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned ... if it comes too quick, I may not recognize it / is that the reason behind all this time and sand? / if it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it / is that the reason behind all this time and sand? 

Throughout my desert period and wandering, as the desert became hotter and hotter, and drier and drier, I fantasized about what life would have been like if I hadn't ventured out at all.  My life and career has taken a number of very surprising turns -- turns that shouldn't have happened, and wouldn't have happened but for God's leading, opening of doors, and provision.  While the turns were exciting when they happened and brought me to higher heights than I ever could have imagined, I began to question (and at times, even resent) the fact that they had happened, and wondered whether life would have been better had they not happened at all.  Wouldn't a simpler life back in Root Town been better?  This song reminded me of the likelihood that I was glazing over the tough parts of where I'd come from, and gave me hope that there would be purpose to the desert period in the end.

"Oceans" (by Hillsong).  The whole song, but especially this:  "Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders / let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me / Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander / and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."

After Junior was born, things became really hard, really fast.  Before she was born, Mr. Squire and I managed my long hours with a lot of understanding on his part and a lot of diligence on my part. And when things got really bad, he just came to sit with me in the office at nights and on weekends.  That doesn't work with a baby, though, and I very soon grew tired/anxious/upset by the fact that I was apologizing to poor Junior so many nights and weekends for leaving so early, coming home so late, and working from home instead of playing with her.  This is when I began to feel God shift our tides and begin to move, and it was scary, because there was so much unknown out there.  I had learned to stop predicting what God might or would do with me, and this song reminded me of my need for God's help in trusting Him -- and my desire to follow Him truly wherever He would call me.  

The job-search process turned out to be relatively short for me. But during those first two months when nothing was coming in, and then later when I received an opportunity for a non-legal job and had to grapple with the idea of not being an attorney anymore, I truly felt like I was plunging deep into the ocean--and I needed God desperately as a lifeline and stay.  And instead of gasping for breath and flailing about, I wanted to trust in God with confidence and peace -- to have real faith and thus honor Him. This song became a daily prayer to that effect.  It truly required a daily (often more frequent than daily) turning over of my heart and will to Him. 

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."  (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

In the midst of the ocean, I received an interview and a callback for the job I really wanted.  A million questions and concerns flooded my heart as I pursued the job--and prayed to seek wisdom. It is always safest to be in the center of God's will (so my brother Charles told me years ago, and Pastor Fred prayed that we are in the center of God's will when we left the City), and I knew that my job was to follow God's will first and only.  But what is God's will?? That was the million-dollar question.  My mom sent me verses 11-12, and my brother Timmy sent me verses 13-14, on the day of the interview. That God had placed two parts of the same passage on their hearts to send me on that day touched me deeply.   In that, I heard God say, "I see you. I know you. I love you. I am with you."

Months and months of praying, consulting, reading the Word, listening for God, and just walking with God helped me learn that sometimes we just have to do what seems best if we're not hearing a specific word from God.  But the key is seeking Him with our whole heart.  For me, it took years to get closer to that state of soul.  Near the end of the journey, Mr. Squire and I fasted for 30 days.  The job issues came to a resolution on Day 31.  I found God and His plans.

The Book of Joshua.  

The month or so that we had to prepare to transition to Palmtreeville coincided with my study of the book of Joshua.  It was fitting, as Joshua is all about the Israelites' conquest of the Promised Land after wandering in the desert, their hesitation to claim it, and Joshua's apportionment of the land to the people with a reminder to obey the Lord and serve Him.  So many parallels, so much encouragement.  The passage about some of the tribes' hesitation or delay in claiming their share of the land resonated with me, too, as I had grown to appreciate aspects of the desert. And even if it wasn't comfortable, it was familiar.  Why exchange that for an unknown (even if the unknown is the promised gift and call)?  God used Joshua to minister to my heart and to urge me toward Him as we embarked on this transition and journey to our own after-the-desert land.

Deuteronomy, especially Deuteronomy 8

After reading Joshua, I decided to go back to Deuteronomy and study that...to review the journey that preceded the conquest as a means of reviewing my own journey and God's faithfulness and purpose in it.  The message in Deuteronomy 8 is the same type of message in Joshua (i.e. don't forget God when you reach the Promised Land and flourish in it), and it's interestingly prophetic (i.e. you will conquer and be blessed) and a warning (i.e. watch out that you don't forsake God) all at the same time.  I am taking notes...both here on the blog, and in my heart.

Days 37-39: A New Chapter Begins

There's been a lot of rain.  We traveled through the Carolinas, skirted around the 75 miles of I-95 that were closed off, ate the best ribs ever at the Smokin Pig in Georgia, and landed in Palmtreeville after a lot of driving.  And Junior cried for only 20 minutes total, throughout the trip.  She is now sporting a pretty high fever and is waking up, crying, every 20 minutes.  But we made it here, and we're going to be okay.

Lots of mixed feelings.  At the moment, mostly relief that we made it safely here, and that Junior survived and did okay.  Tomorrow, we take keys to our new place (even though our stuff hasn't arrived yet) and start putting the pieces in place for our new life here.  

I wish I had something more eloquent to say; it seems that now would be the appropriate moment for such a thing.  But all I have is thanks for protection in this recent journey, and gratitude for guidance in the broader journey.  And just a weensy bit of anxiety and curiosity about what lies around the corner.

Dear Junior

Dear Junior,

This evening you woke up in the hotel bed at 10pm after sleeping for an hour, and you decided it was time to play with mommy. I tried to lay down next to you and close my eyes so you would catch the cue. Sometimes that works. But today, you wanted to reach out and grab small strands of Mommy's hair and run through them with your little pincers. I snuck a peek and saw your look of utter fascination. Then you caught me peeking and you blinked once...twice...and wrinkled your nose as you grinned widely with the sweetest smile ever. It's as if you were shouting, "MOMMY YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD FOREVER AND EVER!!!" At least that's what it looked like to me. 

My heart melted over and over. 

I can't tell you what a joy it is to be your mom. From your unending grins and joy, to the way in which you arch your back and cry for five seconds in protest when we put you into the mousetrap, to the way you amazingly learned not to crawl past the edge of a bed and instead crawl and wait for daddy or me to get you, to how you carefully grab bits of food with your little pincers at mealtime, to how you suck your left thumb and grab your froggy for comfort, to how you vocalize "ahh!" after we pray and say amen, to how you charm strangers to no end with your waving and winning smile, to how you rest your little head on my shoulder when you're shy or tired, to how excited you are to see me (and me, you), there are seemingly boundless reasons I delight in you. Who knew that the person who once referred to children as "creatures" could be so taken by you, a baby??

Love to Bathands,

Mommy

Days 34-36: The Trek Begins

We moved out of our apartment and began our journey down on Friday.  I purposely arranged for our drive down to take place over several days to help us process the transition one mile at a time.  

Hurricane Joaquin posed a threat, but of course God's plans are higher than ours, and we are grateful for His protection.  We drove through a lot of wind and rain on Friday night, but landed safely in DC and waited out the storm on Saturday.  We stayed with friends from my first firm in DC, and it was comforting to enjoy the closeness of friendship before venturing out again.  And Junior climbed a whole flight of stairs for the first (and second and third, and fourth...) time!

Other things that happened were...

• We took Junior on a walk around some of Washington's sights, including the National Archive and the Smithsonian.  

• We tried North Carolina barbecue, which is vinegar-based.  I didn't like it.  Mr. Squire didn't like it.  Junior kept wanting more.  :-p  She really likes sour things (like lemons and limes).  It's a little weird.

• Junior has been doing great (!) on the drive down so far.  We are so thankful!

• We picked up a symphonium music box on our way! A bit of an impulse purchase, but I was so excited about finding something that would truly bring the magic of Christmas to our household--especially since Palmtreeville doesn't really have a winter.  :(

Day 33: Midpoint

I'm exactly halfway through my transition hiatus.  How beautifully appropriate, as today is our last day here.  Tomorrow our movers come and we begin our trek down (hopefully not too drastically impeded by Hurricane Joaquin).

We did a lot of packing today.  Like, a LOT.  But thankfully, we've been at it in fits and starts for about two weeks already, so it wasn't miserable.  We also lived in a 400-square-foot apartment not that long ago, so we haven't had the opportunity to accumulate hoards of stuff.

The best part about today was taking Junior out to play and taking our daily walk together.  I climbed up Green Mountain with her, then chased her up and down some slides and tubes.  She's a strong and fearless girl (so far).  I'm so proud of her!  

Afterward, she tucked away into the ergo and we went on our walk along the Hudson.  She napped and snuggled against me; lately, all she wants to do (it seems) is snuggle with me.  I have no objections to that and hope it lasts all the way through the rest of this hiatus.  :)  How wonderful (thanks, God!) that her clingy stage should coincide with my break at home!  

By the time she woke up, we were back by the ferry terminal, and I showed her some of the flowers and dried cornstalks nearby.  She smiled at the feel of the soft red flower and seemed intrigued by the dried corn.  I treasure these opportunities to stop and smell the roses with her, and to introduce her to a world of new things.  

The rain didn't start until we got home.  Then back to packing, and Gma and Gpa were there to help distract her for an hour so Mr. Squire and I could get more things done.

The boxes are piled up...the shelves are empty.  The place no longer looks like home.  Home is taking a long drive down the seaboard to establish itself elsewhere.  But it will always carry memories of this precious chapter here in the Northeast and harbor enduring love and affection for those we leave behind here.