I've been off of work for more than five weeks now... enough time to really clear my mind of civil litigation (Federal Rules of What?) and start really reflecting on the magnitude of the change we're making.
The day we got here, Junior started burning up badly with a fever, and she hovered around 102-103 for 48 hours. Plus diarrhea. The fever has since subsided, though the diarrhea remains. Nothing makes you feel quite so lonely and far from home as being sick far from home. :( But we have continued to experience God's goodness and provision despite Junior's situation. For instance:
- Our movers didn't come on move-in day; instead, they are coming later in the delivery window. While this annoyed me tremendously in the beginning, I now see it as providence because the move in will go much more smoothly if we're not caring for an acutely ill Junior at the same time. She's much less clingy to Mommy and generally needs a lot fewer nursing sessions when she's feeling better.
- The later move-in date gave us a chance to get some other things set up, like really getting a good look at the space and mapping it out so that move-in goes more quickly.
- Mr. Squire's parents came to help out, and they arrived last night. We've stayed at their house here before, but never with them. It's been quite fun and nice; kind of like being on vacation with them. It helps to have an extra four hands to help out with Junior, and stepping back gives me a chance to enjoy watching her play with others. The parents also cooked a delicious seafood meal (who knew that baked squid with nothing added would be so tasty??) and we enjoyed a nice evening walk on the golf course, where we spotted a bunch of tiny, days-old turtles and had fun introducing them to Junior.
The extra time before move-in has also given us a little more space and time to decompress. For me, that meant diving back into Deuteronomy this evening, which led me to reflect and remember the key words and verses that God has used to minister to me over the last several years.
When the oceans rise and thunders roll, I will soar with You above the storm. Father, You are king over the flood; I will be still, know You are God. Find rest, my soul, in Christ alone. Know His power in quietness and trust.
Back when Mr. Squire was teaching and I was in my second job, things were altogether difficult. Mr. Squire's job was super-draining on him, and bolstering him every night was super-draining on me. On top of that, I was in a work environment that was somewhat toxic and left me feeling emotionally and spiritually stressed and discouraged. I played this song on the piano every day, for months, before starting work each morning -- and the prayer helped center me for the day.
The Lord goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
When I started my last job, I had no idea what to expect. I didn't realize it yet, but I was in the desert period, and I felt that I was flagging in every way possible in terms of understanding God, His will for my work, and my ability to hear His voice. It was a dark time. This verse became my daily mantra and reminder that God went before me. Doing what, and for what, I didn't know...but He was with me, sitting with me in the desert. I wasn't alone.
Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:22-24)
About a year into the desert, I realized (by way of our church retreat, whose subject was faith and work) that I was in the desert and had better get used to it, because God keeps us in the desert until we are ready to be drawn out into the work that God has prepared and called us to do. And in the meantime, our job is to flourish in the desert.
Honestly, I didn't have a whole lot of interest in my work -- and although the people I worked with were 90% amazing, there were the 10% who were not amazing, and I found myself dragging my feet and sporting a very poor attitude toward them and their assignments. That's when God brought this verse to me and reminded me to serve Him in my work and do my best because He is my boss. I pinned this verse up at work as a daily and visible reminder, and sometimes after hanging up the phone in a huff, I had to repeat the verse aloud to be reminded again.
"Painting Pictures of Egypt" (by Sara Groves). The whole song, but especially these parts: "I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked / the future feels so hard and I want to go back / but the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned / and those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned ... if it comes too quick, I may not recognize it / is that the reason behind all this time and sand? / if it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it / is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
Throughout my desert period and wandering, as the desert became hotter and hotter, and drier and drier, I fantasized about what life would have been like if I hadn't ventured out at all. My life and career has taken a number of very surprising turns -- turns that shouldn't have happened, and wouldn't have happened but for God's leading, opening of doors, and provision. While the turns were exciting when they happened and brought me to higher heights than I ever could have imagined, I began to question (and at times, even resent) the fact that they had happened, and wondered whether life would have been better had they not happened at all. Wouldn't a simpler life back in Root Town been better? This song reminded me of the likelihood that I was glazing over the tough parts of where I'd come from, and gave me hope that there would be purpose to the desert period in the end.
"Oceans" (by Hillsong). The whole song, but especially this: "Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders / let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me / Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander / and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior."
After Junior was born, things became really hard, really fast. Before she was born, Mr. Squire and I managed my long hours with a lot of understanding on his part and a lot of diligence on my part. And when things got really bad, he just came to sit with me in the office at nights and on weekends. That doesn't work with a baby, though, and I very soon grew tired/anxious/upset by the fact that I was apologizing to poor Junior so many nights and weekends for leaving so early, coming home so late, and working from home instead of playing with her. This is when I began to feel God shift our tides and begin to move, and it was scary, because there was so much unknown out there. I had learned to stop predicting what God might or would do with me, and this song reminded me of my need for God's help in trusting Him -- and my desire to follow Him truly wherever He would call me.
The job-search process turned out to be relatively short for me. But during those first two months when nothing was coming in, and then later when I received an opportunity for a non-legal job and had to grapple with the idea of not being an attorney anymore, I truly felt like I was plunging deep into the ocean--and I needed God desperately as a lifeline and stay. And instead of gasping for breath and flailing about, I wanted to trust in God with confidence and peace -- to have real faith and thus honor Him. This song became a daily prayer to that effect. It truly required a daily (often more frequent than daily) turning over of my heart and will to Him.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity." (Jeremiah 29:11-14)
In the midst of the ocean, I received an interview and a callback for the job I really wanted. A million questions and concerns flooded my heart as I pursued the job--and prayed to seek wisdom. It is always safest to be in the center of God's will (so my brother Charles told me years ago, and Pastor Fred prayed that we are in the center of God's will when we left the City), and I knew that my job was to follow God's will first and only. But what is God's will?? That was the million-dollar question. My mom sent me verses 11-12, and my brother Timmy sent me verses 13-14, on the day of the interview. That God had placed two parts of the same passage on their hearts to send me on that day touched me deeply. In that, I heard God say, "I see you. I know you. I love you. I am with you."
Months and months of praying, consulting, reading the Word, listening for God, and just walking with God helped me learn that sometimes we just have to do what seems best if we're not hearing a specific word from God. But the key is seeking Him with our whole heart. For me, it took years to get closer to that state of soul. Near the end of the journey, Mr. Squire and I fasted for 30 days. The job issues came to a resolution on Day 31. I found God and His plans.
The Book of Joshua.
The month or so that we had to prepare to transition to Palmtreeville coincided with my study of the book of Joshua. It was fitting, as Joshua is all about the Israelites' conquest of the Promised Land after wandering in the desert, their hesitation to claim it, and Joshua's apportionment of the land to the people with a reminder to obey the Lord and serve Him. So many parallels, so much encouragement. The passage about some of the tribes' hesitation or delay in claiming their share of the land resonated with me, too, as I had grown to appreciate aspects of the desert. And even if it wasn't comfortable, it was familiar. Why exchange that for an unknown (even if the unknown is the promised gift and call)? God used Joshua to minister to my heart and to urge me toward Him as we embarked on this transition and journey to our own after-the-desert land.
Deuteronomy, especially Deuteronomy 8
After reading Joshua, I decided to go back to Deuteronomy and study that...to review the journey that preceded the conquest as a means of reviewing my own journey and God's faithfulness and purpose in it. The message in Deuteronomy 8 is the same type of message in Joshua (i.e. don't forget God when you reach the Promised Land and flourish in it), and it's interestingly prophetic (i.e. you will conquer and be blessed) and a warning (i.e. watch out that you don't forsake God) all at the same time. I am taking notes...both here on the blog, and in my heart.
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