I will refrain from writing yet another blogpost about what a great husband Mr. Squire is (although he did lug home a 15-pound watermelon home from Chinatown for me on this rainy Tuesday). That matters too, but today is a day for different reflections.
Sometimes God creeps up on us, I think. He sneaks up behind us when we think He's not looking, or when we think He's off tending to something else, and then He surprises us by tapping us on the shoulder with a grin and saying, "I'm heee-ere!" Okay, maybe not quite like that. I'm probably imposing too much of my image of Mr. Squire and my dad on God right there. But then again...who's to say God doesn't have a goofy side? I think goofiness is a gift, and every good thing comes from God.
Anyway, I digress. This morning I was rushing around, getting ready for a busy day at work. I was very happy about sleeping well two nights in a row, and generally thanking God for that, and for Mr. Squire, and for my right shin, which has since recovered from a strange pain on Sunday. I was shooting up small prayers to God while en route to and from the gym. Nothing big, just a lot of the same prayers for the same people.
I breezed through my quiet time faster than usual because I was in a hurry to get to work. I've been reading through Isaiah and the accompanying Matthew Henry commentary, and read Isaiah 32 this morning. I wasn't really focused, so I decided to just spend a bit of time being still and quiet. Somehow "being still and quiet" led to "surfing on the internet." :-p Sigh. But! Said surfing "somehow" brought me to the webpage for job openings at the International Justice Mission (IJM), an organization I've long been fond of. I don't even recall why I was looking at that page, or even how I got there (did I Google-search IJM? did I see an ad and click on it? I think I googled "jobs for Christian lawyers"). But all of a sudden I was staring at a job opening for "General Counsel" at IJM.
Let's not get too excited here. I'm not qualified for the position, as I haven't been an attorney for at least 7 years. Nor have I worked in-house or at a non-profit. But...somehow, seeing the job posting got me excited. It's been a while since I've felt any glimmer of real excitement regarding my long-term future as a lawyer. Following 20 years of working toward the US Attorney's Office, I've felt God inexplicably lead me away from that path (and I think I'm right in reading the signs). As a result, I have mentally closed the door to the US Attorney's Office. With that path roped off, it's been hard to envision a fulfilling professional future. I'm plenty happy where I am now, but I know it's not a long-term solution for me. Often, I don't really understand the point of being here, professionally (though I do understand the point in terms of relationships with other people).
But seeing the IJM posting today made me realize that this job may indeed be a deliberate step on God's part, preparing me for the next thing, or the next-next thing. A job like this could very well help me get an in-house job--which in turn would give me another experience needed to jump to IJM eventually. Who knows? But it's not outside the realm of possibility, and somehow that is a relief to me. I've been looking for a guidepost to show me that I'm not off-course, even though I often feel off-course. I often feel like I'm way off the map! I think this IJM encounter was something from God. If it was, then I imagine that it was to encourage me...a reminder that even though I no longer see His pillar of fire, I can still smell the smoke: he was blowing it in my face today to remind me that He is still near, even if I cannot see exactly where He is, or where He's leading. That is a tremendous comfort.
So...IJM or no IJM... I have no idea. I'm very excited about working toward an IJM-ish type of job. But that's kind of besides the point. The point is that God has, at least for today, renewed my hope and faith that He is guiding me and my steps. I don't understand the way He is leading, but I was reminded today (I think) that He still holds my hand. And that is direction enough for today.
P.S. No matter what Mr. Squire says, I know he will miss the kids. Even as I wrote this reflection, he received a call from a parent whose kid needs to go to summer school. The parent can't take the kid to summer school (at a different school than usual), so Mr. Squire agreed to accompany the kid to summer school the first day, riding the bus with him and making sure he gets to school okay. He even said that if the kid isn't comfortable doing it by himself the second day, Mr. Squire will go with him for a couple days until he gets the hang of it. Mind you...Mr. Squire's last day of teaching (at this school or any school) is next Wednesday, so summer school is not his job. But...he was so glad to help. I love him for it. And I know he loves these kids. He'll miss them one day, when he has recovered.
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