Another Hard Day

Let's try  something new, though...

It was a hard day. But before I complain, let me name ten things for which I am thankful:

1. I am healthy.  This would be ten times harder if I were sick or ailing in any way.

2. Mr. Squire is off of work.  This automatically alleviates extra stress, and it means that I get extra perks, like him walking me to work in the mornings, which makes me very happy.

3.  I got more money for my Superstorm Sandy client yesterday.  I've secured more than $33,000 for him so far.  Yay!   He had tears in his eyes and was speechless when I shared the news with him.  He said that he and his family had been struggling to make ends meet, but maybe God was looking out for him after all.  It was a beautiful moment when I was able to assure him that, "I may not know many things, but this I do know: God IS looking out for you.  Look at your name!" (he has a Hebrew name that clearly reflects his status as one of God's original chosen people.)

4.  I got to pray with a colleague at work today.  What a blessing to have a sister at work!

5.  I was able to walk to Union Square after work today and spend some time in prayer after  along and difficult day.  Thirty minutes of walking therapy. Yay.

6.  When I panicked about something today, the partner was very gracious, which I appreciated.  That graciousness was just what I needed.

7.  It's a dear friend's birthday today.  And he's coming to stay with us for three days in September (visiting from Hong Kong)!  I'm so excited.  We have been friends for eight years and he has seen me through LOTS of drama. He is a true brother.

8.  I am eating a delicious batch of watermelon that Mr. Squire brought home for me yesterday.  It is very delicious.  The first half of what I ate didn't taste like much because I was still destressing.  But now it's starting to taste very good, which much mean I am beginning to relax.

9.  I must realize that I have the luxury of options.  So many people in the world do not.  

10.  I get to go to sleep now.  And there are only two more weekdays in this week (which is kind of frightening, given the amount of work that I have to do).

... and oddly enough, I do feel a bit better now.

Monday Fail

x

I knew it, I just knew it.  After being so moved and convicted by yesterday's sermon, I felt re-energized for the week and the challenges that lay ahead...until a little wispy cloud of doubt floated into my mind and said, God must have known you would need a sermon like this to get you through this week...it's going to be a real doozy!

And indeed today was a bit of a doozy.  I taped up the passage from Colossians 3 in front of my computer so I could see it front and center.  And I prayed throughout the day that I would work as unto God.  And for most of the day, I experienced victory in this.  But then 4 o'clock rolled around and everything got real bad, real fast.  Soon I was tearing up in my office, whining to Mr. Squire on the phone, and feeling a little ball of anger fire up in my heart.

:(

Not good.

I am such a work in progress.  I have a long way to go before I really reach that point where I truly have peace like a river, love like an ocean, and joy like a fountain in the workplace.  Or at least during the tough months (like July has been), it's really hard for me.  It's so easy for me to lose perspective in a matter of seconds.  If this is where God intends me to be right now (and obviously it is), then...what am I supposed to be learning?

I don't really know yet.  But I suppose in the meantime I could take a couple guesses at things I think I learned or was reminded of today:

• planning only gets you so far.  surprises are always around the corner! (like the fact that the brief I've spent about 30 hours drafting over the last two weeks is no longer needed because our adversary decided today to drop its counterclaims)

• getting things done feels good.  sometimes when I don't have as much to do at work, I'm kind of poky because I get easily distracted.  but when I have uber-focus out of necessity (like the last several weeks!), I get amazing volumes of work done. and it feels good.  I suppose we are meant to be productive people.

• I am weak.  I'm not as strong as I used to be.  I don't persevere the way I used to.  I am easily distressed and broken.... or at least it feels this way.  But in my calmer moments, I look back on other aspects of my life in which I felt similarly in the past--but emerged from them and now feel very strong in those areas of my life.  I guess that's what growth is all about:  when a new leaf bursts forth from the branch during springtime, it must squeeze its way out, constantly moving and striving and reaching for the sun.  can't be fun.  but what a payoff!

• Mr. Squire is awesome.  I know he is awesome every day, but especially in my weak moments, I am so glad that God picked the perfect partner for me.  I also know that God has been coordinating our schedules:  when he was crazy-busy and struggling to make it to the end of the schoolyear, I was slowish at work and able to spend extra time helping him along.  when he sprained his ankle, I was slowish at work and able to come home early to help him out.  just as he began really recovering from his ankle sprain, work went berserk for me--and he's been off of school and on his feet to be able to be there for me by walking me to the train every morning, helping me out with administrative stuff and chores at home, and even surprising me by walking me home after my late night at work today.  :)

So...that was Monday.  Monday fail.  Kind of.  But...maybe not really, as long as I learned from it.

• 
  

Weekend Reflections

It is Sunday night and I am slightly dreading heading into the week ahead.  But I am thankful for the many good things that happened this weekend.

On Friday, I met up with two sisters for dinner.  I don't meet up with them all that often, but over the last three years, they are the two people with whom I have met the most regularly.  They are older than me by five years and eight years, and I have learned so much about patience, grace, humility, and wisdom from their words and lives.  I love that we are able to talk about everyday things easily, but that most often we just dive right into discussions about the hard, gritty, conflict-driven parts of life and the difficult parts of our individual journeys of faith.  On Friday in particular, I shared about some of my sinful and judgmental tendencies which have (I believe) adversely affected some of my relationships with brothers and sisters in the church.  My own self-righteous views on spending and finances have driven me to look down from my little self-built perch, tsking away at the behaviors of certain others.  This should not be so.  And it's a messy, ugly, nasty business to look at those gross parts of my soul and share about them.  But with these sisters, it was not so difficult... it was unpleasant, but it was helpful to talk through them, hear my own thoughts expressed out loud, and come to an even greater understanding of how sinful my thoughts really are.  In a way, I was going through the process of confession, revealing the darkness in my heart and laying it out, finally acknowledging that only God can help drive out that darkness.  Hard, but good conversation.

On Saturday, I met up with a sister who used to attend our church, but graduated from college and left to do long-term missions in China.  She's an amazing sister who always impressed me with her mature faith.  She grew up in China with her parents, who immigrated to the United States when she was eight or nine.  Through their friendship with another Chinese family here in the States, her entire family came to know Christ.  How incredible!  She has a deep sense of the importance of the Gospel and bringing it to families in China who do not have the good fortune of immigrating to the United States, so she intends to devote the bulk of her life to long-term missions in her homeland.  (Notably, she became a U.S. citizen just months before she left for her first year of missions work!)  It has been a blessing to receive her updates by newsletter this past year, and an utter privilege to spend a couple hours with her over pizza and gelato on Saturday. I was able to ask all of my burning questions:  How do you build relationships with your students?  Is it true that China is hungry for the Gospel?  Does the Chinese government know what you're doing?  Do you face any persecution?  Where do you worship?  What are your students like?  Tell me some of their stories. Hearing about what God is doing in China is amazing.  We worship a loving and all-powerful Lord who is bringing His Word to all ends of the earth, who is reaching far and deep into the hearts of many even in an oppressed land such as China, and who is able to turn hearts to Himself despite incredible odds.  So awesome!

I spent the rest of Saturday billing about six hours of work, mostly due to my pro bono case.  It's easier to work on weekends when it's for my Superstorm Sandy client.  But even then... I don't like working until 9:30pm on any day of the week...  

On Sunday, our little group of Brooklyn Heights + 1/3 of Williamsburg (Dan and Jess & fam) went to Sunset Park (Brooklyn Chinatown) for dim sum.  Mr. Squire and I have always been very disappointed in New York dim sum, but...now we know that's because we've only ever been to Manhattan Chinatown.  Brooklyn Chinatown was amazing!  And guess what:  eight adults and three children who ate their fill until they could burst only cost... $76 + tip.  What the--??  Unbelievable!  

Missions meeting and prayer meeting were followed by a guest speaker at church, who lost me for the first ten minutes, but then quickly got my attention.  He preached on Colossians 3:22-24, which reads:

²² Slaves, obey your earthly masters in everything; and do it, not only when their eye is on you and to curry their favor, but with sincerity of heart and reverence for the Lord.²³ Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, ²⁴ since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. 

Major points from this passage that I took away:

• Reinforcement of the exhortation to work as unto the Lord, and not as unto man.  This is something I struggle with all the time, which is probably why God has been using various people to remind me of that very thing several times over the last few months.  When things are overwhelmingly busy at work, I must remember to pray for the Spirit to give me the mind of Christ and take peace in that.  If a partner is overly demanding or ungrateful or unreasonable, I should work with sincerity to the LORD, trying my very best in every endeavor not to please my partner, but to honor God.  

• Instead of pining for a different project, a different job, a different workplace (not that I always am doing these things, but when I am...), I should stop, and realize that I am in the right place.  This is where God has called me to be this day.  And so my call is to do the best that I can in that day, where He has placed me.  At first when Rick said this (the bolded part), my mind immediately protested: Well, what if you're in the wrong place?  What if He's calling you to move?  But then I thought about it, and realized Rick was right:  in every day, we are exactly where God has called us to be that day.  It doesn't mean that later in the day or week or life, He may lead us to go elsewhere.  But wherever we are at a given moment is not by mistake.  God is well aware of where we are and what we are doing.  If we are in the wrong place, He can and will move us.  And if we are in place X at any given time, it's because God allowed it.  This is...comforting, in a way.

So...good things to kick off the week. I hope I can sleep well when I go to bed in two hours.  And I hope the lessons from the weekend stick with me!

New Hope, New Beginnings...

By the grace of God (and a LOT of work from Gary and Jodi), we closed on our property today!  Together with like-minded friends sprinkled across the Bay Area, New York, Boston, and Denver, we are embarking on a new journey of (as Gary put it) "shared profits, friendship, and signs of the Kingdom."  We continue to cover this project in prayer, knowing that it will only bear fruit if God builds it.

E. Squire Shrugged?

This evening on my way home, I had a long talk with my dad.  He did most of the talking, which is characteristic of the conversations I have with him.  (In contrast, when I converse with my mom, I do most of the talking.  And when my mom converses with my dad, she does most of the talking.)  My dad is concerned for me, and I actually really appreciated the way he expressed that today.  

Perhaps the most interesting and the most freeing part of the conversation was when he said:

I have a wild idea... I recently watched the movie "Atlas Shrugged," and without getting into the main message of the movie, by way of background, Atlas was carrying the weight of the world, and then one day he just shrugged and gave it all up.  I'm not saying you should do it, and I'm not trying to sway you one way or the other, but... let me ask you this:  What would happen if you just...shrugged? What would really happen if you quit your job tomorrow and walked away?  What if you just left to become a marketing person, or a children's book illustrator?  I'm not saying you should leave the law.  But if you stay, you should know why you are staying.  If you're staying to please other people, you should know that other people's opinions don't matter.  If you're staying for you, then you should question whether you have the right understanding of what you're supposed to be doing.  And if the law is what you're supposed to be doing, then... that gives you a different perspective on your situation... it is a reminder that you are doing what you're doing by choice, rather than by force or circumstance.

You will be successful no matter what choice you make.  And you have a gift for identifying talent, developing people, and cultivating them.  Maybe your future will be in the law--but in a different capacity?  Either way, you need a change of pace.  You came to New York for a reason: to get training.  And now you've put in five years, and you've done your time.  You picked up a lot of skills and learned a lot of great things at each of your jobs.  It's time for a different cadence, a more sustainable leg of this marathon, instead of the current sprint.  

It was freeing to know that my parents don't expect me to remain a lawyer, and that they believe I can succeed in other fields if I so choose, or if God so leads.  Sometimes (not often) I feel trapped.  It's good to know that there should never be a reason for me to feel that their expectations are keeping me where I am.  If I stop being a lawyer, they won't hold it against me.  (I will, but that's a totally different matter.)  And it was encouraging to hear these words and messages of hope from my dad, who is about to retire and has seen much more of life than I have.  I'm so thankful for both of my parents, and I'm so grateful that they care about me so much, and that they are here to help walk and think me through this long phase of life transition.

Waiting to Exhale

Oh man.  It has been one of those weeks.  Actually, no--it has been two of those weeks.  

I've been billing a lot of time over the last several weeks, and stressing over a lot of work-related angst on top of it.  It may be summer, but July has been anything but fun:  Fitting in billable hours wherever time can be found (at the gym! on the train! with the door closed at work! on the train again!  at home after hours!).  Dreaming about work every night.  Becoming hopping mad over the loss of two billable hours when the internet went wonky on Wednesday night.  And for the last five days:  contending with crazy tension and knots on top of knots in my neck, back, and shoulders.

The immediate future doesn't look much better, although after skipping this weekend's Boston wedding because I had to work the majority of the day, I have made an executive decision to NOT work tomorrow.  And tomorrow before church, I might even go back to get another tui na massage, since this afternoon's was lovely but likely wasn't enough to untangle all those knots.

Our vacation to Florida and South Carolina (for two more weddings!) in September/October can't come fast enough.  I know that it will be a long nine weeks from now until then.  And I'm kind of scared.  I feel as if I am holding my breath--and will continue to hold my breath--for the next nine weeks, laboring feverishly while turning bluer and bluer in the face, and going completely crazy while I'm at it.  Something is bound to explode if I don't learn to exhale along the way.

Not to state the obvious, but...this is a problem.

As you can imagine, there are a number of points in the day where billable work simply cannot be done.  Examples include the shower, quiet time, walking to and from the train, and the small bubble of time right before bed, when I must engage in my pre-somnolescent activities of (1) losing in my latest Words With Friends game with Mr. Squire, (2) chatting with Mr. Squire, and (3) pleasure reading (still slowly making my way through a great Dietrich Bonhoeffer bio).  During these times, my mind is frequently occupied with the following thoughts/prayers/pleas:

• Oh Lord, I can't do this much longer.  When will You free me?  I'm scared to move, but I'm scared to stay. I'm scared, period.  But I know something is wrong here.  At every other point in my educational/professional life, difficulties did not faze me.  I understood them to be a necessary part of the process of reaching goals that I believed to come from You, and I knew You would bring me through them.  No matter how hard college or law school--or even BigLaw or clerking--became, I always knew it was part of Your plan, so to my recollection, the thought of quitting never occurred to me.  Instead, in my younger years, I dove headlong into cesspools of challenge with bravado.  In my more recent years, I steeled myself and forged ahead through thorny thickets.  I didn't think of turning back, or turning away, as I do now.  Why is that?  I sense such tremendous discontent with the current work of my hands when I am devoting so much of my time to it, when it begins to impede on my social obligations or my physical, mental, and spiritual health.  When does this period end?  Can we please make it now--or at least soon?

• And until I get a clear answer from You, Lord, I am going to keep dreaming up other exit options, because I simply cannot help myself.  I do not want to stay much longer.  I'm certain that I am not thinking clearly, and that one day I will regret this season of discontent, and realize perhaps it wasn't so bad after all.  Or it was necessary and had some sort of value.  Will You reveal some of those redemptive glimmers to me?  I don't like regretting my past.  And back to the exit options, well...so far, I've thought of:  permanent clerk for a judge, US Attorneys' Office - Appeals Division, some semi-sleepy DA's office somewhere, IJM, general counsel for a corporation, juvenile advocacy, Federal Defender... and yet how do I know that any of these will actually be better than my current situation?  What I really want is challenging, interesting work + a livable salary + a livable schedule.  I think I need to get out of New York.  Will You do that?  Speaking of that, what was the point of being here anyway--other than perhaps finding Mr. Squire?  I do suppose that's a pretty big thing... and also our church community...also a huge thing... okay, I understand (more) why You brought me here.  Can we go now, please?

• Part of what's making this harder is that it's not just an hours thing.  If this were solely about the billable hours and the schedule, the issues I outlined above wouldn't be so bad.  70% of it (right now) is an hours issue.  The last several weeks, the other 30% has been some of the people I'm working with.  I feel totally unappreciated and undervalued as part of their "team" (really, I feel like their invisible-yet-annoying housecat), and it really irks me.  This, of course, means that throughout the rest of my professional life, I've had the supremely good fortune (i.e. blessing and favor from the Lord) of working for people who do appreciate and value my work.  I'm used to receiving due recognition for the efforts I put in and the quality that comes out, and I'm equally used to generously dishing it out for the folks who work for me.  I just think it's the right thing to do...and it doesn't hurt morale either.  So feeling like the invisible-yet-annoying housecat has been a huge blow.  ....buuuuuut.... at the same time, I have been left to grapple with why this is such a "huge blow" to me.  Why should it matter?--or at least, why should it matter so much?  See next bullet point, because this one is getting long.

• One of my recent revelations is that I care too much about what certain other people think.  And this is not just a social problem; it is a spiritual problem.  God has impressed upon me greatly over the last couple months that my tremendous sin of judgmentalism and bitterness towards certain people in my church community, and my deep-seated resentment of my "housecat-masters" at work stem from the same root issue:  I don't live for an audience of one.  I live for an audience of, like, twenty-five.  And the things I do and the things I think and the things I expect to receive in return are shaped and heavily influenced by the reactions I'm getting from these twenty-five or so people.  But isn't that essentially a form of idolatry?--a form of worshipping parties who are not God, and allowing them to wield power over me that really belongs only to God?  Herein lies the latest deep, dark pit of sin that God has revealed to me.  It makes me sad.  

• In other news, even as I frantically wave my arms at God, attempting to flag down His attention and put in an order for reassignment of work, in my saner and more grateful and reflective moments, I am reminded that during the 70% of time when work hasn't been crazy, this place has been incredibly good for me. Indeed, it has been a place of incredible healing and restoration for my bruised and broken spirit.  The details shall remain publicly fuzzy, but suffice it to say that certain people with whom I was very close during my years in BigLaw hurt me in an abrupt, inexplicable fashion after I left.  From there, I went to my clerkship, where I quietly suffered through a year of feeling ostracized, both socially and politically.  Putting aside the housecat-masters--who are not at all representative of the majority of people I've worked with at this new place--I have loved the folks at my current place of employment.  Socially (not so much politically or religiously, but that's okay), I feel very comfortable and at ease.  I feel fully integrated into the Firm and relish many of the working relationships I have there.  I don't have the paranoia issues that pervaded my BigLaw years, or the feelings of isolation that characterized my clerkship.  It's been really good--and not just good, but healing.  It just occurred to me last night, while discussing this very issue with a coworker over dinner, that it's been a quite a while since I thought about my BigLaw or clerkship wounds.  I used to lick those wounds every single day.  But time has passed, and God has used this place to help me mend in a big way.  Thank You, Lord, for the reminder that Your ways are way higher than our ways.  You are writing a story that's entirely beyond our imagination.  I really should trust You more.  Help me to do that, please.

So...those are my thoughts for this rainy, hot evening.  I feel as if I've exhaled even just a bit, in putting pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) and crystallizing these thoughts that have long been swimming about in my head and heart.  It's a journey... and I'm a bit of weary traveler right now.  But at this very moment, I find peace in knowing that God's my tour guide, and He has the right map.  

A New Day

Mercifully, Mr. Squire's period of gimpiness is more or less over.  He still limps around and needs to ice his foot on a daily basis, but he can walk.  Ms. Grumbly Grumbledore has left the building--and just in time for the work schedule to pick up like crazy.  

Mr. Squire does well to point out that since starting this job, it has really only been very-very-busy about 30% of the time.  70% of the time, it has been manageable.  Sometimes that perspective brings me solace and calms me down.  But mostly, when I'm in the 30% part of the pie, I just want to quit.  Something tells me that this is not the right long-term place for me to be.  

But, as I've been saying, it is the right place for me to be right now.  I continue to believe that.  I continue to be encouraged by the friendships I have in the office.  And one of the secretaries is even coming to church with me on Sunday!  And purely on a skills level, I am learning a lot day by day.  It is a good place for me to be, even though the growing hurts sometimes.  So on the whole, I am thankful.

In other news, the Squires and nine other friends have officially formed New Hope, and today is the day that we wired in our chunk of change to fund our very first real estate purchase.  We continue to pray for God's help and guidance, knowing that if He does not build this project from the ground up, it will crumble and burn.  We must entrust this wholly to His power, and both lean and walk with Him.  

As stated in Article 1.5 of our Operating Agreement, our LLC's Operating Agreement, "the Company shall operate according to the following set of values, holding in balance these complementary principles:  

Justice (Deuteronomy 10:18, Jeremiah 9:24) and Shalom (Psalm 85:10)

Stewardship (Matthew 25:1-30, Proverbs 3:27-30) and Grace (Ephesians 2:4-10, Matthew 5:38-42)

Hospitality (Hebrews 13:2, I Peter 4:9-10, Deuteronomy 10:18-19) and Community (Acts 2:44, Ecclesiastes 4:19-12)."

May we be faithful to these values that God impressed upon our hearts.  Correction:  may we be faithful to Him who placed these values upon our hearts, and revealed those aspects of Himself to us.  And may we reflect His love and His broader story of love for all people--including concern for the poor, foreigners, and aliens among us.  It's a new day in the life of the Squires (and friends)--I'm looking forward to what new hope it brings!

The Adventures of Pi, Continued...

Following up on last week's post about Pi... where we last left off, I had explained that Mr. Squire kept Pi around after I tried to evict him during spring cleaning because he knew that keeping the penguin would get on my nerves (in a playful sort of way). 

All week long, Pi harassed me... he sat on my other animals, claimed to be their best friends, invariably came up to me for a good night kiss ("Good night Mommy! Nose to nose?").  And all week long, I waved him away in annoyance.  But I thought it was really funny that Mr. Squire was essentially undertaking his own stuffed animal for the sake of "harassing" me.  

By mid-week, though, I was kind of okay with Pi and I even thought his name was cute--mostly because of the way Mr. Squire says his name.  I also thought he added a fun dimension to our crazy world of stuffed animals here.  But I kept joking that I didn't want to keep Pi.  

Come Thursday night, Mr. Squire said he was going to bring Pi to our friends' place so their three-year-old daughter Ava could play with Pi.  And I said, "Then she can keep him!" And he replied, "Nooo!"  

I promptly forgot about it.  But when I met up with Mr. Squire at our friends' place on Friday night, he indeed had Pi in his cargo shorts pocket and was using Pi to play with Ava.  Apparently she had fun with Pi when I wasn't there, although she threw him on the ground a couple times and Mr. Squire said Pi had a concussion.  (In case you hadn't noticed, we are crazy people.)  Then, when I arrived, she didn't seem to like Pi much.  So when we left, I was waving goodbye to her with Pi, and I said, "Here, you can have Pi!" 

...And I didn't think she would want to keep him, because...she didn't like him (from what I had seen)! But she surprised me and kept her grip on it!  So we let her keep Pi.  

I don't think Mr. Squire really minded, but the whole way home he kept fake-whining about how I have all these stuffed animals, and he only had one, and the one he had - I gave away! He compared it to King David sleeping with Bathsheba, Uriah's one and only wife, when David had so many other concubines (sometimes his Bible analogies astound me).  He also kept saying, "You gave away my one and only friend!"  

I ended up feeling very sad about losing Pi (and I think Mr. Squire enjoyed my discomfort and squirming)...and I ordered a new one on Amazon.  We call him PiT (Pi Two), and will give PiT to Ava in exchange for getting Pi back.

Fwd: Things to do today:

Obviously, someone (Mr. Squire) has access to my gmail today!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From

:

E. Squire

Date: Thu, Jul 11, 2013 at 8:49 AM
Subject: Things to do today:
To:

"e.squire"

 

1- check my smells

2- call my husband

3- email my husband

4- eat watermelon

5- check to make sure pi is okay

6- bring an umbrella to work

7- hug husband

"Pi" the Penguin Instigator

I'm not an equal-opportunity stuffie lover.  I'm just not.  Stuffies that are too small, too real-looking (not cartoonish enough), or simply not cute enough don't cut it.  I cut them loose and do not adopt them as one of my own.  And I don't feel bad about it...

...until someone makes me feel bad about it.

See this tiny pipsqueaky penguin with haunted eyes, who is (at Mr. Squire's behest) sitting triumphantly atop Camel, Sleepy Sheepy, Furberry, and Turtle?  During our spring cleaning last weekend, I decided that this little penguin had outstayed his welcome at our apartment.  Time to go, buddy.  

But then... Mr. Squire insisted on keeping him, and insisted on having the pipsqueak penguin call me "Mommy."  Of course, I don't give any unadopted animals any names (they aren't owned until they're named!) so I challenged Mr. Squire on that front.  And that's when Mr. Squire announced, "But he does have a name.  His name is...Instigator.  Penguin Instigator. P.I.  You can call him 'Pi.'" 

Sigh.

I can't get rid of little Pi.  Every night, he comes up and asks to sleep on the bed.  I shoo him away, then feel guilty because...the little guy has a name now.  You can't just turn him away!  But...grrr...not my kind of stuffie!  Penguin Instigator indeed.

So Marriage Does Expose One's Sin!

I've heard a lot of people talk about how hard marriage can be.  Some say it starts off great, but soon after the wedding, cracks in the relationship begin to show as two people learn to cohabitate and meld their individual lives under the same roof.  I've heard the first year of marriage is the hardest--lots of fighting, lots of adjusting.  And after that, well...even when life is good, marriage still exposes your sin from time to time--particularly when your partner tells you what you are really like, thus exposing the ugly parts inside. 

I've witnessed plenty of first-hand evidence that all of this is true...but not in my own marriage.  Let's be clear: I'm not bragging here.  It just hasn't been my experience.  Not exactly, anyway.

This past week, marriage has indeed exposed my sin in a way that humbles me greatly and challenges me to get down on my knees and ask God to help me, because for sure I can't fix myself on my own.  But Mr. Squire didn't have to say a word, or point out anything to me.  I knew from my own poor attitude in serving him in his crippled state that lots of sin is roiling inside.

Mr. Squire still can't walk.  He is just starting to hobble around, putting a slight bit of weight on his left foot from time to time.  He still needs his crutches, though, and for the most part is still staying off of his feet.  This of course meant that this last weekend, I did all the grocery shopping--which I had to do every day, because I couldn't carry everything home (10 minutes' walk, plus five flights of stairs).  I did all the cooking.  And I did all the cleaning.  Several times over.  And it was freaking hot outside this week, and we don't have air conditioning in any room except our bedroom.  I sweated a lot in these last four days.

I also continued to grumble a lot in my heart these last four days.  In my quieter moments, I tried to figure out what I was grumbling for.  What exactly was I frustrated about?  I had trouble pinpointing it exactly, but it was some mix of:

• I'm hot and tired and I shouldn't have to do this all by myself.  I wish Rascal could help me!  I'm hot and tired and I shouldn't have to do this all by myself.

• I feel unappreciated.  Everyone asks about how Simon is doing, but people don't ask about how his caretaker is doing as she does everything she usually does, plus everything that Simon usually does.

• Why can't this be easier?  We save and save and save to do all this philanthropic and missions work (which we are thrilled to be able to do), but...why can't we also make life a little easier on ourselves (i.e. on me) during this time?  Isn't now the time to order takeout, so I can skip the cooking and the dishes?  And isn't now the time to order groceries on FreshDirect instead of having me haul everything back day after day in the feels-like-99-degree heat?

In all of this, I see what you see as you read this (and no, I'm not proud of it):  I lack maturity and heart in serving my husband in his crippled state.  While I faithfully go through the motions, my heart is grumbling and complaining, and that does not honor God.  Of course, Mr. Squire knows my struggle and has done what he can to encourage me along the way.  In his goodness and grace to me, he has not begrudged my poor attitude.  I appreciate that...and it also makes me feel that much worse about my own bad attitude.  I need a change of heart--a heart is less entitled, less resentful, less grumbly.  Thanks for the lesson, Lord.  Now please help me change--especially before we become parents, please?

Fourth of July Weekend

Our Fourth of July weekend was rather active, considering Mr. Squire's sprained foot.  We:

• Attended a wedding on July 4th (hence the great view of the Macy's fireworks spectacular pictured here)

• Went to the doctor to check on Mr. Squire's foot and received reassurance that he is healing well.  He can begin trying to hobble tomorrow, and should be walking again within two weeks.

• Did spring cleaning at home, cleansing our little 400 square-foot abode of unnecessary objects.  

• Played several rounds of Rumis, a game he received at our friend Ernie's birthday party this year.  Mr. Squire beats me at every game.  I don't understand.

• Made tiramisu...well, I made tiramisu.  Mr. Squire cut open the packages of ladyfingers for me.  (And yet he claimed that I was his sous chef!)

• Went to Jersey to spend time with his family.  It was so much fun to watch Mr. Squire play with Aidan--trick him, trap him, make him giggle and wonder.  I know he's going to be an amazing dad!

• Watched "Mulan" on Netflix.  It's one of Mr. Squire's favorite movies, and it was hilarious to watch him break into song, singing along with his favorite parts of the movie.  I even caught some of it on video.

The best part of the weekend was talking late into the night with Mr. Squire every night.  I was totally exhausted at the end of every day, because I continue to bear the full physical burden of everything we do at home (and we live on the fifth floor of a walkup, a half-mile walk from everything...I think you can imagine the rest).  So all I really wanted to do was fall asleep and sleep for a long time...except when Mr. Squire kept talking... and then all I wanted to do was stay up and keep chatting.  We're coming up on our second anniversary soon, but I think we are still in the honeymoon phase.  I'm not complaining! 

Grumbly Grumbledore

Ahhh, never a dull moment around here.

Mr. Squire finished his school year, took one full day off for break, then started his unpaid internship with our friend Sam on Friday.  He worked the full day on Friday, then on Saturday played an all-day football tournament...should have been six games in all.  Then...I should have known something was up when Harvey called.  Why would Harvey be calling me?  When he said Mr. Squire had gotten hurt, I got really worried--because duhhh, that's why Harvey would call.  Only if it was serious.  :(  

So, an ER visit, an x-ray, and two crutches later, Mr. Squire is housebound and hopping around like a rabbit on his remaining, unsprained foot.  Poor fellow.  But thank God he is in good spirits, because that has made a whole world of difference.  There's only room for one grouch in any given relationship...and I, my friends, was that grouch this weekend. 

It's really sad.  I had worked a pretty full day on Saturday on my pro bono client's work, and then spent a bit of time baking (new pavlova recipe turned out beautifully!), then got ready for dinner with a co-worker.  Then I got the call from Harvey.  I had planned to relax after dinner with the co-worker, snuggle up with a book, catch up on our budget, etc.... but instead, I went to the ER (where Harvey had been taking good care of Mr. Squire), fed the hungry athletes, then had to go out to buy ice packs and more groceries (I saw the mango bars on sale, bought three boxes, and literally prayed aloud in the grocery aisle, "Thank You, God, for loving him this much...to even put the mango bars on sale for him!"), then did all the dishes, helped Mr. Squire get clean, set up everything... I was sweaty and hot and exhausted by the end.  Had I known that Saturday would end that way, I would have planned 8am-7pm a little (read: a lot) differently.

Sunday was no better:  all the things that we usually do together, I had to do by myself... lugging a week's work of groceries the half-mile home and up our fifth-floor walkup is usually no big deal because Mr. Squire is doing it with me--and carrying the majority of the load.  But it was just me.  And then I had to do all the cooking.  And then all the cleaning.  And then the thank-you baking for the kind souls driving us to church.  Then more cleaning.  And it was hot. And I was sweaty.  And I hate being sweaty if I'm not at the gym.

See...all of the above is why I fear being a mom.  I'm too selfish to be a mom!  Over and over this weekend, I had to confess my lack of a servant-like heart.  Just two days of doing everything on my own, and I was Ms. Grumbly Grumbledore.  So terrible!  :(  I was thankful that Mr. Squire was patient amid my grouchiness.  And I saw all the more clearly how much more of a servant-like heart he has than I do.

It's definitely something I need to work on.  So I've been praying a lot for my heart since Saturday.  I need to get better at serving with a joyful heart.  I need more--oh so much more!--of that humility that Jesus had.  Lord, help me!

(And in the meantime, thank You for my merciful husband...)