Monday Fail

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I knew it, I just knew it.  After being so moved and convicted by yesterday's sermon, I felt re-energized for the week and the challenges that lay ahead...until a little wispy cloud of doubt floated into my mind and said, God must have known you would need a sermon like this to get you through this week...it's going to be a real doozy!

And indeed today was a bit of a doozy.  I taped up the passage from Colossians 3 in front of my computer so I could see it front and center.  And I prayed throughout the day that I would work as unto God.  And for most of the day, I experienced victory in this.  But then 4 o'clock rolled around and everything got real bad, real fast.  Soon I was tearing up in my office, whining to Mr. Squire on the phone, and feeling a little ball of anger fire up in my heart.

:(

Not good.

I am such a work in progress.  I have a long way to go before I really reach that point where I truly have peace like a river, love like an ocean, and joy like a fountain in the workplace.  Or at least during the tough months (like July has been), it's really hard for me.  It's so easy for me to lose perspective in a matter of seconds.  If this is where God intends me to be right now (and obviously it is), then...what am I supposed to be learning?

I don't really know yet.  But I suppose in the meantime I could take a couple guesses at things I think I learned or was reminded of today:

• planning only gets you so far.  surprises are always around the corner! (like the fact that the brief I've spent about 30 hours drafting over the last two weeks is no longer needed because our adversary decided today to drop its counterclaims)

• getting things done feels good.  sometimes when I don't have as much to do at work, I'm kind of poky because I get easily distracted.  but when I have uber-focus out of necessity (like the last several weeks!), I get amazing volumes of work done. and it feels good.  I suppose we are meant to be productive people.

• I am weak.  I'm not as strong as I used to be.  I don't persevere the way I used to.  I am easily distressed and broken.... or at least it feels this way.  But in my calmer moments, I look back on other aspects of my life in which I felt similarly in the past--but emerged from them and now feel very strong in those areas of my life.  I guess that's what growth is all about:  when a new leaf bursts forth from the branch during springtime, it must squeeze its way out, constantly moving and striving and reaching for the sun.  can't be fun.  but what a payoff!

• Mr. Squire is awesome.  I know he is awesome every day, but especially in my weak moments, I am so glad that God picked the perfect partner for me.  I also know that God has been coordinating our schedules:  when he was crazy-busy and struggling to make it to the end of the schoolyear, I was slowish at work and able to spend extra time helping him along.  when he sprained his ankle, I was slowish at work and able to come home early to help him out.  just as he began really recovering from his ankle sprain, work went berserk for me--and he's been off of school and on his feet to be able to be there for me by walking me to the train every morning, helping me out with administrative stuff and chores at home, and even surprising me by walking me home after my late night at work today.  :)

So...that was Monday.  Monday fail.  Kind of.  But...maybe not really, as long as I learned from it.

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