So Marriage Does Expose One's Sin!

I've heard a lot of people talk about how hard marriage can be.  Some say it starts off great, but soon after the wedding, cracks in the relationship begin to show as two people learn to cohabitate and meld their individual lives under the same roof.  I've heard the first year of marriage is the hardest--lots of fighting, lots of adjusting.  And after that, well...even when life is good, marriage still exposes your sin from time to time--particularly when your partner tells you what you are really like, thus exposing the ugly parts inside. 

I've witnessed plenty of first-hand evidence that all of this is true...but not in my own marriage.  Let's be clear: I'm not bragging here.  It just hasn't been my experience.  Not exactly, anyway.

This past week, marriage has indeed exposed my sin in a way that humbles me greatly and challenges me to get down on my knees and ask God to help me, because for sure I can't fix myself on my own.  But Mr. Squire didn't have to say a word, or point out anything to me.  I knew from my own poor attitude in serving him in his crippled state that lots of sin is roiling inside.

Mr. Squire still can't walk.  He is just starting to hobble around, putting a slight bit of weight on his left foot from time to time.  He still needs his crutches, though, and for the most part is still staying off of his feet.  This of course meant that this last weekend, I did all the grocery shopping--which I had to do every day, because I couldn't carry everything home (10 minutes' walk, plus five flights of stairs).  I did all the cooking.  And I did all the cleaning.  Several times over.  And it was freaking hot outside this week, and we don't have air conditioning in any room except our bedroom.  I sweated a lot in these last four days.

I also continued to grumble a lot in my heart these last four days.  In my quieter moments, I tried to figure out what I was grumbling for.  What exactly was I frustrated about?  I had trouble pinpointing it exactly, but it was some mix of:

• I'm hot and tired and I shouldn't have to do this all by myself.  I wish Rascal could help me!  I'm hot and tired and I shouldn't have to do this all by myself.

• I feel unappreciated.  Everyone asks about how Simon is doing, but people don't ask about how his caretaker is doing as she does everything she usually does, plus everything that Simon usually does.

• Why can't this be easier?  We save and save and save to do all this philanthropic and missions work (which we are thrilled to be able to do), but...why can't we also make life a little easier on ourselves (i.e. on me) during this time?  Isn't now the time to order takeout, so I can skip the cooking and the dishes?  And isn't now the time to order groceries on FreshDirect instead of having me haul everything back day after day in the feels-like-99-degree heat?

In all of this, I see what you see as you read this (and no, I'm not proud of it):  I lack maturity and heart in serving my husband in his crippled state.  While I faithfully go through the motions, my heart is grumbling and complaining, and that does not honor God.  Of course, Mr. Squire knows my struggle and has done what he can to encourage me along the way.  In his goodness and grace to me, he has not begrudged my poor attitude.  I appreciate that...and it also makes me feel that much worse about my own bad attitude.  I need a change of heart--a heart is less entitled, less resentful, less grumbly.  Thanks for the lesson, Lord.  Now please help me change--especially before we become parents, please?