It is Good Friday

"No thorns, no throne; no gall, no glory; no cross, no crown." - William Penn

(Yesterday's) Gratitude for the Day

Just one today... not that only one good thing happened today, but... just that the one I've chosen for the day is HUGE and cause for such great praise that it overshadows all the other bright spots of the day--by far.

This afternoon, I received an email from Mr. Squire stating that his college friend Antony would be getting baptized this Sunday, on Easter.  Can there be any greater joy than learning that one more soul has sought and gained entry into the Kingdom of Heaven?  I really don't think so.  Few things (if any) fill me with greater excitement and jubilee.  It is a mixture of relief, fullness of heart, and exuberant peace that I feel right now, upon receiving this news.

And what makes this joy even more amazing is... God somehow, in a tiny way, used the Squire wedding to help set off this happily ever after ending.  According to Antony (we learned sometime last year), he started attending church shortly after our wedding because something in our wedding ceremony touched him in a deep place.  Mr. Squire, who has never known Antony to show any interest in faith during their prior decade or so of friendship, was shocked and awed to hear this.  I was humbled.  And to know...now, Antony is safe in the arms of Jesus forever...wow.  What a feeling.  Nothing can top it.

Praise God!!!

Thoughts on Holy Week

This week has been mercifully manageable...I've been working hard at work, but leaving by 7 and meeting up with people for dinner the last two days.  That never happens, and it's been wonderful.  Also, Mr. Squire is on spring break, so the timing of my "slowdown" is perfect.  Or, God's timing of my "slowdown," I should say.  Thank the Lord.

As I wrote earlier, Lent this year has been largely an afterthought.  But this week, it seems God has purposely and obviously cleared away a lot more mental and emotional space for me to reflect on Holy Week and the cross.  I am thankful for His patience and forbearance in this way.  On Sunday, we watched another clip from the Jesus Storybook Bible.  I actually love watching those video clips because they're meant for kids, so the stories are told in a different way--one that doesn't use the same words and phrases as the Bible (so my mind doesn't just gloss over them as "been there, heard that").  

I was struck in particular this week when the narrator spoke about how Jesus pleaded with His Father in heaven to take from Jesus the bitter cup before Him:  taking upon Himself the punishment of all the sins ever committed in the world, being utterly separated from His Father.  I needed that reminder of the centrality to my faith of Jesus's death on the cross.  So often I tend to leave Jesus out of the equation:  I pray to God the Father (but often not in Jesus's name, completely leaving out the mediator) and tend to be pretty aware of the Holy Spirit's presence in my life.  But Jesus?  I confess that sometimes I don't know what to do with Him.

It seems counterintuitive, even silly, I know.  Each Person within the Trinity is essential to our faith, and Jesus is by no means the least of these.  Without Jesus's death on the cross, there would be no freedom or life.  Without His obedient and loving sacrifice for the world and for me, I would have no reason to hope for anything at all.  I would continue to bear the weight and guilt of my sins, forever.  Why does Jesus's death not mean more to me?   The amazing story truly has become too familiar, but I hate that it is so.  I want that to change.

Mr. Squire and I dated for two years and eight months before we got married.  The last two years of that period were done long-distance between Boston and New York.  The distance was hard, and when we were in the same place, we never took each other's presence for granted.  We've now been married for almost two years, and that sense of gratitude has not yet faded.  I still get really excited whenever I see Mr. Squire, I relish the fact that we get to fall asleep in the same place and not have to converse over the phone (with poor reception, at that) or make a six-hour (door-to-door) trip every other weekend just to see each other.  We get to fully share friends, stories, experiences, and life, and I'm pretty sure that not for a single moment, I take any of that for granted.  

In every way imaginable, the gift of life conferred on me through the cross is infinitely more precious, life-altering, and life-giving.  Why don't I value it more?  My prayer for the remaining days of Holy Week--and beyond--is that I would more fully grasp the magnitude of Jesus's death and resurrection, the enormity of the cost to Jesus, the consequent implications of His great love for me, and a closer walk not just with the Father and the Spirit, but also with Jesus.

Gratitude for the Day

1.  It snowed for the better part of the day, and my office has two huge windows, so I actually got to enjoy it.  I love snow!

2.  I slept in until 8:20am (instead of rising at 6:05am) because Mr. Squire is on spring break.  We had gone to bed at 9:45 the night before, so I was in bed for almost 11 hours. So luxurious.  Rest is a blessing.

3.  Took advantage of the fact that most of the partners left work early for Passover...and snuck home to meet Mr. Squire for the Monday night pre-fixe special at Buttermilk Channel.  We rarely indulge in expensive meals (this was $28/person!), but this was a really special treat, and we had a blast.  It was a 1.5-mile walk each way, so we had a chance to talk and laugh and catch up on the day.  Dinner was amazing.  Usually I am relatively unimpressed at New York restaurant food because it is overhyped and too unusual for the sake of simply being unusual.  Buttermilk Channel was not so:  it was creative but not overly so, and so, so, SO delicious.  And the waitstaff were SO nice, which made a big difference (and they even packed away some extra cole slaw for us because we loved it so much!).  The pecan pie sundae was over the top, but...I still ate the whole thing. We just had a really enjoyable time.  When Mr. Squire is on break, he's a totally different person, and I appreciate having my fun-loving, care-free Mr. Squire back.  :)  The whole way home, as we walked 1.5 miles back in the rain, Mr. Squire had me guess what snacks he had bought from Costco today. It took me about 20 minutes to guess it right, but we had a lot of fun laughing at all the wrong guesses.  That's one of my best memories from today - walking along with my favorite person, guessing what snacks he thoughtfully bought for his honey.  (Btw - it was Pirate's Booty Cheese Puffs!)

4.  Here are three things that God has been teaching me these past few weeks:

God is my boss, not man.  It is essential that I get this straight at work.

I'm not good at handling the unexpected, particularly at work.  Mr. Squire pointed this out to me. Somehow, knowing that has helped me confront it.

I shouldn't be afraid to speak my mind about legal issues at work; it's what they're paying me for.  I may have shrunk back since law school, but it's time to rise in confidence again.

Gratitude for the Day

1.  My coworker Tanvir came over for dinner for the first time.  It was kind of like a "five-month anniversary" dinner because we met on exactly five months ago yesterday, on our first day of work at the new firm.  She enjoyed our chicken pot pie and apple tart, and loved our "super-cute" apartment.  (We love it too!)  I enjoyed our conversation...she's so easy to talk to, and she has her head on straight in terms of priorities and values.  We don't share the same faith, but I appreciate her unsullied outlook on firm life.  She pointed out that firms feed on the insecurities of young people, and that the law profession in general runs on shattering the confidence of otherwise capable people. I confided that once upon a time, I was very confident and assertive, and fully secure in my own abilities and aptitude.  At some point during law school, and to a lesser extent beyond, I lost that confidence.  I now spend much of my professional life feeling woefully insecure, inadequate, and inept.  Tanvir doesn't share that problem, and I appreciate her confidence--both in herself, and also in me.  

2.  I didn't work today!  I slept until 8, chatted with Mr. Squire for a bit while we did our usual Saturday morning "burrowing" in bed, then went to the gym to watch Paula Deen make dessert.  Then I did my weekly mentoring, came home and cleaned out my ears (TMI, maybe), got some chicken broth on sale, and spent the afternoon cooking chicken pot pie and baking an apple tart as sunshine streamed through the wonderful windows of my tiny galley kitchen.  We had Tanvir over, then took a walk with her in Brooklyn Bridge Park, and came home to eat a second dinner (yes, I'm blushing!) of chorizo, more apple tart, and black tea with condensed milk.  That's a good day.

3.  I'm healthy, physically, emotionally, and I think spiritually.  These are some of the most blessed days of my life.

4.  I keep getting all these emails from my mom, who is visiting Big Brother and Niece for the week while Big Sister is in Haiti doing medical missions.  Mommy is so happy to be a grandma, and I'm so happy for her and all the time she's getting to spend with her granddaughter during these two weeks.

5.  I'm very grateful for Mr. Squire.  Every day I feel lucky to be married to him.  I attach one of my favorite photos of him, in which he is chasing geese back at home. 

Gratitude for the Day

1.  It is Friday.  It is sunny outside. 

 

2.  A vexing case was dismissed today, with prejudice, with no right of appeal.  I can't say I'm not rejoicing.  And I'm beginning to breathe again.

 

3.  Today is Friday (it bears noting again), which means I'm heading to women's group tonight!  I love my many sisters and love walking with them and journeying with them.

 

4.  I'm not going to have to work this weekend.  First such weekend in a month.  I'm SO excited!

 

5.  Brother #2 is bringing my new retainer to Mr. Squire.  I hear from Brother #2's Fiancee that it is glittery and pretty.  I was shocked at all the options (zebra print, rainbow, glitter, etc.), and am excited for my new oral bling.  It's nice having so many dentists in the family (although I think the Squires take "family dynasty" to a whole new level in the dental world... I think there are no fewer than six Squire dentists - three in my generation and three in Daddy Squire's generation).

 

 

Wisdom from "8th Grade" by Chris Rice

Why does the past always seem safer?
Maybe because at least we know me made it
And why do we worry about the future?
When every day will come just the way the Lord ordained it...

 

Lent Reflections

To my sisters in women's group:

I wish I had something amazing and profound to share with you; I've read so many Lent reflections from many of you week after week, and have been wowed and touched by the things that God has been teaching you.  They have given me cause to praise Him for holding the universe together and deigning to be so active in each of our lives, patiently teaching and guiding according to each one's need.

 

I don't have anything earth-shattering to share.  On the contrary, all I have to offer is a sense of greater humility and dependence that has overcome me during this Lent season.  On Ash Wednesday of this year, a law school classmate of mine passed away at age 32 after spending several months in ICU following a terrible fall.  While Adam and I weren't close, we went to church together in Cambridge for two years, so he was definitely a fixture in my memory, and it struck me as both horrific and sobering that five years after we graduated, he was gone.  So, right away at the beginning of Lent, God placed before me a tremendous sense of the frailty, brevity, and unpredictability of life.  At the same time, however, He also comforted me with an equally tremendous sense of joy and relief that because Adam is His, Adam has been celebrating true Life in heaven since Ash Wednesday.  How appropriate.

 

The remainder of Lent has been a blur of work-related hours, anxiety, and stress.  There has been little joy in the process.  Much of the time I have been alternating between gulping fluid through a gushing hose, batting away nightmares about work, and moping.  I can attest, though, that through it all, God has proven to be a strong haven, a sure shelter.  These past several weeks, prayers (my own, and the prayers of others on my behalf) have been a lifeline, and worship at church has been true rest.  I have knelt at God's feet, hands and heart open, seeking help because I knew I would break apart mentally without it.  I have acknowledged His sovereignty over all things--including my work--because that's the only way I can make sense of this experience.  I have noticed and celebrated His "little" gifts and blessings (a good night's sleep! snow! a good conversation!).  And I have found seeds of hope and comfort in reminders throughout that God is my boss, and not man.  In these ways, God has made His presence and my dependence on Him all the more abundant and real during this trying season.

And not just that, but for all my lack of focus on Lent, this week God is taking the pains to drive home how it all ties to Jesus.  I'm ashamed to admit, but I'll acknowledge it:  it's only in the past few days that the cross has started to enter my mind.  It struck me during the Jesus Storybook Bible segment this past week that, while I often revel in my relationship with God--and indeed, I lean upon it for dear life--I don't often consider the sacrifice that made it possible.  I don't value the fact that for me to enjoy this freedom, rest, comfort, and connection with God, someone holy and perfect had to live...and then die--be as dead as Adam is now--for me and for the past, present, and future darkness in my heart.  The past few days I've been pondering it more, and I'm asking God to help me understand even a bit of what the cross really means.  I have a pretty good understanding of the reward Jesus purchased for me--freedom, and life--but I want to have a greater appreciation of what it cost Him.  

And that's pretty much where I am right now.  If this feels abrupt, it's because it is:  God is still writing out the lesson, and we're sitting on a comma right now.  The good thing is, though, that I'm broken down to a place in which I am finally still, I know He is God, and I'm straining to listen.

Love,

E. Squire

 

Gratitude for the Day

1. Compost cookie from Tanvir.  Not so much about the cookie as it is about having a good friend at work.  

2.  Mr. Squire let me sleep in, and packed my lunch for me.  I'm married to a very thoughtful man.  :)

3.  Came home while it was still light out.  That was a first.

4.  It rained today--but not on me.  I'm always thankful when God spares me from walking in the rain!

5.  Beautiful watercolors and chicken scratch from my niece.  

Gratitude for the Day

1.  Snow, snow, beautiful snow!  (see photo)  God really knew what He was doing when He made such glorious stuff.  And when I walked home in it, arm in arm with Mr. Squire tonight, I thought...nothing in the world could be better.

2.  Mercy at work.  Today was the first day in three weeks that I was able to come home and have dinner with Mr. Squire (before putting in another hour of work).  We went out for Five Guys and split a burger and fries for $6.83.  It's the simple pleasures in life.

3.  Encouragement from THREE different sources that God is my boss, not man.  One came from an early morning email from one of my prayer partners, who is not yet a believer but an active seeker.  The second came during my morning devotional - Matthew Henry's commentary on Isaiah 23.  The third came from an email from Wendy, a friend from church.  

4. Picking March Madness brackets in connection with the Ethiopia Clean Water project.

The Mountain and the Molehill

Let's first talk thanks: 

• My first day off in three weeks...kind of. I still ended up going into the office for 20 minutes to address an emergency, but other than that, I was pretty much off from work today.  That was a gift.

• A dear friend from women's group Facebook walled me and said "I miss you...that is all."  She's been vacationing with her husband in Asia for the last week.  I was really touched by her message.  We've been in the same WG for two years now, and our friendship has grown tremendously during that time. 

• During my work emergency, Mr. Squire came with me to the office... he prayed with me beforehand, when I first received word by email and started to panic, and he came along to keep me company.  His prayers, presence, and encouragement helped calm my nerves. I am so thankful for my husband.

• Today we went to Barnes & Noble to find an educational gift for our nephew, who turns three next week.  While there, we saw a bargain-priced volume that contained three different "Frog and Toad" books.  I loved those books as a child, and bought all those memories back for $7.98 today.  Totally worth it.  Already finished rereading the first book and a half, and the stories of friendship and fun are so priceless.  I can't wait to read these to future Squire kids.

• We sang "Hail to the King" at church today. The song always moves me somewhere deep inside and I get choked up right around "when You come in glory for the world to see, we will sing...Hail to the King, in all His splendor and majesty, Hail to the King of Kings, Lord Jesus our God."  I am excited about heaven, and I am eager to get there.  At that time, we shall truly be at rest and peace, and God will make all things right again.  I long for heaven and for a long-awaited victory of a most worthy King.

Now we can talk about other things, too.

It's probably obvious from the first bullet point above, but I'll spell it out here as well... I haven't been taking a Sabbath for the last three weeks.  I know it's really hurting me, too.  I'm totally worn, slipping on my obligations, and emotionally and mentally fragile.  It's hard for me to remember details about anything unrelated to work (and even then...).  I know this isn't what God wants for me.

At the same time, I struggle with any sort of workaround.  Taking a full day off on the weekends is tough because I work on the weekends in part to not feel like I'm totally spinning out of control and drowning on the weekdays.  At least on weekends, I can work in peace, without anyone emailing me or calling me or seeking my attention.  On weekdays, anything is fair game, and one distraction can balloon into at least ten others.  

To add complication, I do mentoring on Saturdays, which takes up about three hours (including transportation), and on Sundays, I have church, which takes anywhere from 5-7 hours (including transportation), depending on which obligations I have on any given day.  Besides that, I try to do at least one social visit per weekend, to keep tabs on my girlfriends, meet coworkers outside of work, care for and receive care from people at church, etc.  I kind of feel like those are reasonable expectations for the weekend... but they make it really hard to get all work done on one day, and to leave the other day free, particularly when I've been clocking in at least seven (and up to fourteen) billable hours every weekend for the last three weekends.  And this weekend, I was able to swing it only because mentoring was canceled for me yesterday, so I got three hours back. 

The long and short of it is ... I can't keep doing this.  And while Mr. Squire and I have always made a habit of praying together in the mornings (at least on weekdays), we now have added praying together at night--every night--asking for guidance about where God would have us go and what He would have us do.  It's funny:  we observed this weekend that as we look forward to starting a family pretty soon, we pretty much have most of the important things in place--a very solid marriage, our finances in order, our education is done.  But our jobs!  For some reason, neither of us has it together in that way yet.  And that's hurting us.  

But as problems go, I realize ours are really...not problems.  Oh, you have a job? A well-paying, respectable job?  With good co-workers, too?  Oh, and Mr. Squire has a good job with good co-workers as well?  And the only thing you're complaining about is your hours?   Yeah, when I look at it like that, I kind of get embarrassed.  We are fortunate to be employed.  We are blessed to have good jobs that allow us not only to survive but also to save.  We are also blessed to have choices in life.  As a comparison, Sheena, the lady at the threading salon, has two daughters, ages 6 and 13.  Sheena works at the salon in Brooklyn seven days a week.  Her husband works at a candy store.  They live in Queens - about an hour away.  And their daughters live in Mumbai with Sheena's sister-in-law.  And Sheena sees her daughters once a year.  My issues aren't issues compared to Sheena's.  My challenges aren't really measurable next to hers.  So what am I talking about??

This is where I am, and these are the mental mazes I'm working through.  I need God to speak to us.  Lord, our hands are open, our ears are bent toward you, and our hearts invite You to speak and to lead.

Giving Thanks

Sometime in late 2004, I began a daily journal wherein I recorded things I was thankful for every night.  The listed items ranged from ordinary everyday blessings (today was a sunny day!) to medium-sized blessings (had a great conversation with a friend!) to monumental blessings (You spared my dad following his heart attack when no one thought he should have made it!).  I kept it up faithfully, every day, for about seven years.  And then, at some point in 2011, I stopped journaling.  

Marriage had something to do with it:  when I was single, I had quiet time every evening before sleeping -- time to read my Bible, pray, and write in my journal.  Now, my evening routine involves praying with Mr. Squire, playing Words with Friends with Mr. Squire, and reading (for fun).  My quiet time has moved to the morning, after he has left for school, but that doesn't really make sense in terms of timing for the gratitude journal because it is at the beginning of the day.  

That having been said, I think it's time to bring the practice back. I feel this is especially important now that I am deep into a mire at work and in a place where I may easily lose perspective.  Let me never lose perspective of God's faithfulness and richness of blessing in every day.

So, let's start with yesterday's list:

• Dinner with friends from Boston (Riley and Jung), together with a dear brother and sister from church, and Mr. Squire

• Working at home for six hours, but all that made easier by the fact that Mr. Squire was home (doing our taxes!), my favorite music was playing, and snow was falling outside and God knows I LOVE snow

• Our Denver project is progressing! Yesterday we received news that the seller accepted our offer this last week.  More about this in a different post, but what a praise.

• Mom is visiting Big Brother and his daughter while Big Sister is away doing missions in Haiti.  Seeing pictures of Mom with Little Niece makes me smile. Mom never thought she would live long enough to be a grandmother (I doubted it as well) and I know this is a huge, huge blessing for her.

When We Are Weak, He is Strong

I don't really have time to tap out anything eloquent--or even long--because I have been billing almost 70 hours a week.  But I will say the following:  being in a position of weakness, discontent, and despair stinks.  It really does.  It is exhausting and life-sucking and leaves one empty and slumped.

But it can be a blessing.  

I can testify to it, because these days, I lack strength, I'm emotionally fragile, and I feel like I'm floundering.  The relief in this state, as not-fun as it is, though, is that I am in a position of utter humility and dependence on God for strength to make it through the day.  I constantly feel the need to cry out to Him, to enshroud my moments in prayer, to cling to Him because...I truly feel that hope in Him is all I have.  I thirst after Him, and reach out my trembling hand to touch His cloak and find shelter in it.  My eyes may wander, but more than usual, they remain fixed on Him for longer periods of time because for once I really sense that there is no one who can help me but God.  No one who can rescue me, no one who even sees the trouble I am going through, but Him.  

Herein lies the strength.  These days, I have found that truly, when we are weak, He is strong.  When our eyes are trained on God, when our hands are perpetually reaching out to Him in desperation, when we find refuge in Him and Him alone--having been abandoned by other sources of comfort--we are in a position to see His gaze of compassion.  We are in a place of attention to feel His touch, to sense His presence, to hear His voice at least a little better.  In other words, we are in the place of humility that God calls us to to begin with, in a place uncrowded by other affections, unpolluted by distractions and temptations, unfooled by illusions and mirages that surround us, because we know that they fail.

I do hope to emerge from this total stressball state soon.  But if and when that happens, may God keep my knees to the ground and my heart close to Him.

Stopping By to Say...

It's been a rough few days around here...

work work work work work work work

followed by

work work work work work work work work work work

plus

feeling behind on other untouched

work work work work work work work

more than a few frustrated tears

forgetting keys and having to wake Mr. Squire up at midnight to unlock the door for me

the constant space-cadet-ish bubble-around-my-head-type-of-tired feeling

not falling asleep

not staying asleep (thanks, neighbors who like to march about on hardwood floors in the early morning)

dreaming bad dreams

or just dreams about

work work work work work work work work work work

something tells me

this isn't what we're made for

but that holy grail

which I've been seeking

praying for

asking for

waiting for

still isn't in front of me

so until then

I find...

reasons to praise

reasons to thank

reasons to be joyful

a loving and understanding husband who makes me laugh even on the worst of days

a wonderful colleague who is undergoing the same misery and understands

a boss who is mindful and makes sure I know he says thank you

a secretary who juggles the constant asks I issue

employment, so hard to find these days

a late-night conversation with mom

on the ride home from work

the joy of the Lord

is

my

strength.

On Communion

Today Pastor said a little more than he usually does about Communion.  He explained how Catholics believe that the bread and wine used in Communion during mass actually are the embodiment of Christ.  How Lutherans believe that the crackers and juice transform into Christ somehow during Communion.  How Baptists believe that the elements of Communion are tokens of remembrance.  How for all of us, Communion is a time to actually meet Jesus.

I have to confess:  I don't get it.

I know that's not the "right" reaction, and it's a reaction that would probably surprise many of my closest friends.  But it's true -- I just don't really understand Communion.  The only thing I really "get" about Communion is that we do it out of obedience to Christ, who commanded us in His Word to "do this in remembrance of me."  And I understand that it's a time to remember Jesus's sacrifice on the cross and how He died even though He was perfect, so that every soul ever to be created could have a chance to be in relationship with His Father.  But beyond that?  I don't see how I'm "meeting Jesus" through this spiritual rite.

I wish I understood the significance.  Or perhaps a better way to put it is that I wish I felt the significance.  But I don't, at least not yet.  I do hope that through my life, God will see fit to find a way to teach me what Communion means to Him, and that I'd understand it better, so that it would be less of a follow-the-leader, do-as-you're-told sort of ritual, and more of a meaningful, spiritual experience - Communion in the truest sense of the word.

In the meantime, I find that I commune best with God when I'm out in nature, hearing birds call back and forth to one another in the trees (which I had the privilege of doing today here in our special, calm, and quiet part of the City).  Or when I see an act of selfless kindness that reflects Christ Himself.  Or when I'm alone and praying on a sunny morning, warm light warming my face.  Or when I'm with a friend (or Mr. Squire), praying together and laying requests at God's feet.  Or when I have occasion to rejoice at the news of another soul coming to know Christ as Savior.  Those are the times when I feel closest to God, when I most strongly feel the reality of His presence.  And there are plenty of such moments, bestowed by a generous God who knows every need and want.

Still, one day... I'd like to understand Communion -- as in, the kind we do in church.  I have a hunch that I'll be old and gray by that time (more gray than now, anyway...already have a colony of hairs growing near my prefrontal cortex).  But hopefully it won't take too long. 

Turning Thirty

This week, I turned thirty.  And it was awesome.

Mind you, the birthday itself wasn't completely awesome:  it was my toughest day of the workweek, which started with working while at the gym at 6:45, and ended with me skipping church community group (sadly I confess) to clock in extra time at work late into the evening.  And there were a couple moments in the day when I thought the stress would make me break down and cry.  So...those parts weren't really awesome.

Oh, but everything else was:

Sunshine and a blue sky on my way to the train in the morning, a welcome change from the rainy and gloomy days that had preceded it.  

A surprise phone call from my dad, being his usual goofy self.  

Flowers, one of my favorite cakes (double-layer red velvet with cheesecake in the middle - yes, you read that right, and YES, it is spectacular), and a sweet card filled with loving musings from Mr. Squire ("I love reflecting, praying, and just being with you.").  

More flowers, a bright smile, and an assortment of uber-delicious cookies from no fewer than three top bakeries in the City from my sweet coworker, with whom I've built the beginnings of a strong friendship over the last four months since we last started together.  

Text messages and emails from friends across the country and across the world.  

About a hundred Facebook wall posts (that birthday function really greases the wheels of long-distance friendship) from childhood friends, high-school friends, college friends, law school friends, church friends, ... people from all different phases of my life.  Love coming from so many different directions is powerful.  

Then, in the midst of my uber-stressful evening at work, a surprise Facetime call from Big Brother and Big Sister and their daughter, my adorable niece.  Every time I see her on Facetime, she looks different and has a newly expanded vocabulary.  Today, she actually was able to wish me a happy birthday! I was so delighted. And when Big Brother and Big Sister asked her how old Abi (that's me) was, she confidently declared, "Two."  Hilarious, and a turnaround point for the evening.

And perhaps dearest to my heart, in a way, two emails with affirming words: one from my mother, speaking of my compassion for others, and one from my small group leader, speaking of my wisdom.  I believe that if I could only ask for two virtues, compassion and wisdom are the two I would choose, and it was powerful and humbling to receive such encouraging words from women I love.  In a way, I felt God affirming that He is completing His work in me; I am a work in progress, unfinished and with so much left to go, but I am in progress - I am going somewhere by His grace.  Praise God.

* * *

I'm not sure why so many people approach 30 with a doomsday mentality.  I'm really excited to enter my 30s, and I look forward to them with great anticipation.  

My 20s were filled with so much uncertainty:  what grades will I pull in college?  What exactly are my hobbies? Who are my real friends?  Where should I live?  Will I really get to become a lawyer?  What do I do now that I'm a lawyer?  Will I get married?  Who will I marry?  Who is my community?  Where does God want me to serve?  What does He want me to be?

But as the years passed, more and more of those uncertainties were resolved as God poured down one blessing after another:

My parents' long-tumultuous relationship finally (miraculously) harmonized.  My relationship with Big Brother - and later Big Sister - slowly underwent renovation and restoration.

I graduated well from college, and graduated from law school.  During law school, I made life-changing friendships in the Christian Fellowship and grew in the love and light of my first real tight-knit Christian community.

Discovered my hobbies:  reading fascinating non-fiction.  Baking.  Walking.  Photography.  Puppets and soft toys.  Eating hot carbs.   (just kidding...well, kind only kind of kidding).

I spent several years doing interesting work in BigLaw.  Clerked.  Found a wonderful litigation boutique to call home.

Moved from apartment to apartment to apartment, and each one had bigger windows and more trees than the previous one (and therefore, life got better).

Met Mr. Squire.  Need I say more?  Life is awesome when you're married to your best friend.

Got to know Jesus better... I went through deep, deep valleys - particularly at age 24 and again last year - but God always reached down.  I was always in His grasp.  And He always eventually lifted me up.  I also learned what my spiritual gifts are, and felt God begin to use them in me to bless and serve others. 

Settled into a wonderful church community in the City - a group of brothers and sisters who truly form a body and demonstrate genuine love for one another and for Christ.  For the first two years, I constantly toyed with leaving the community, and now the thought of leaving them (which I'm sure will be inevitable within the next couple years) is heartbreaking.

... so many blessings between 20 and 30.  How can I not be excited about what more lies ahead?  Life for me has been an uphill battle:  constant work, and in a way, a constant struggle... but everything gets and looks better and better as time - and the climb - goes on.