- My first day off in three weeks...kind of. I still ended up going into the office for 20 minutes to address an emergency, but other than that, I was pretty much off from work today. That was a gift.
- A dear friend from women's group Facebook walled me and said "I miss you...that is all." She's been vacationing with her husband in Asia for the last week. I was really touched by her message. We've been in the same WG for two years now, and our friendship has grown tremendously during that time.
- During my work emergency, Mr. Squire came with me to the office... he prayed with me beforehand, when I first received word by email and started to panic, and he came along to keep me company. His prayers, presence, and encouragement helped calm my nerves. I am so thankful for my husband.
- Today we went to Barnes & Noble to find an educational gift for our nephew, who turns three next week. While there, we saw a bargain-priced volume that contained three different "Frog and Toad" books. I loved those books as a child, and bought all those memories back for $7.98 today. Totally worth it. Already finished rereading the first book and a half, and the stories of friendship and fun are so priceless. I can't wait to read these to future Squire kids.
- We sang "Hail to the King" at church today. The song always moves me somewhere deep inside and I get choked up right around "when You come in glory for the world to see, we will sing...Hail to the King, in all His splendor and majesty, Hail to the King of Kings, Lord Jesus our God." I am excited about heaven, and I am eager to get there. At that time, we shall truly be at rest and peace, and God will make all things right again. I long for heaven and for a long-awaited victory of a most worthy King.
Now we can talk about other things, too.
It's probably obvious from the first bullet point above, but I'll spell it out here as well... I haven't been taking a Sabbath for the last three weeks. I know it's really hurting me, too. I'm totally worn, slipping on my obligations, and emotionally and mentally fragile. It's hard for me to remember details about anything unrelated to work (and even then...). I know this isn't what God wants for me.
At the same time, I struggle with any sort of workaround. Taking a full day off on the weekends is tough because I work on the weekends in part to not feel like I'm totally spinning out of control and drowning on the weekdays. At least on weekends, I can work in peace, without anyone emailing me or calling me or seeking my attention. On weekdays, anything is fair game, and one distraction can balloon into at least ten others.
To add complication, I do mentoring on Saturdays, which takes up about three hours (including transportation), and on Sundays, I have church, which takes anywhere from 5-7 hours (including transportation), depending on which obligations I have on any given day. Besides that, I try to do at least one social visit per weekend, to keep tabs on my girlfriends, meet coworkers outside of work, care for and receive care from people at church, etc. I kind of feel like those are reasonable expectations for the weekend... but they make it really hard to get all work done on one day, and to leave the other day free, particularly when I've been clocking in at least seven (and up to fourteen) billable hours every weekend for the last three weekends. And this weekend, I was able to swing it only because mentoring was canceled for me yesterday, so I got three hours back.
The long and short of it is ... I can't keep doing this. And while Mr. Squire and I have always made a habit of praying together in the mornings (at least on weekdays), we now have added praying together at night--every night--asking for guidance about where God would have us go and what He would have us do. It's funny: we observed this weekend that as we look forward to starting a family pretty soon, we pretty much have most of the important things in place--a very solid marriage, our finances in order, our education is done. But our jobs! For some reason, neither of us has it together in that way yet. And that's hurting us.
But as problems go, I realize ours are really...not problems. Oh, you have a job? A well-paying, respectable job? With good co-workers, too? Oh, and Mr. Squire has a good job with good co-workers as well? And the only thing you're complaining about is your hours? Yeah, when I look at it like that, I kind of get embarrassed. We are fortunate to be employed. We are blessed to have good jobs that allow us not only to survive but also to save. We are also blessed to have choices in life. As a comparison, Sheena, the lady at the threading salon, has two daughters, ages 6 and 13. Sheena works at the salon in Brooklyn seven days a week. Her husband works at a candy store. They live in Queens - about an hour away. And their daughters live in Mumbai with Sheena's sister-in-law. And Sheena sees her daughters once a year. My issues aren't issues compared to Sheena's. My challenges aren't really measurable next to hers. So what am I talking about??
This is where I am, and these are the mental mazes I'm working through. I need God to speak to us. Lord, our hands are open, our ears are bent toward you, and our hearts invite You to speak and to lead.
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