Learning to Walk Humbly - 22

putting batty to sleep and watching her as daddy went downstairs to play ping pong with the rest of the family...a privilege to watch her go through her various stages of unrest during her (usually fairly) long journey to sleep, because we usually aren't around to watch her at night (we try to stay out of her room to minimize distractions) and I usually am not the one who puts her down for naps because I'm not home at those times. Tonight she faked out mommy a couple times, getting all drowsy and sucking her thumb, then rolling onto her stomach--and GRINNING--a couple times as mommy tried to get her to sleep. I love you, sweet and funny girl. 

Another beautiful day in the dairy state. The landscape here is just soul-filling. 

Quality time with Big Brother and his family. Little Person A gives the sweetest bear hugs and was a good helper in the kitchen as I made cheesecake. And I got to teach her about the difference between mama spoons (tablespoons) and Little Person A spoons (teaspoons). Big Sister and I enjoyed some quality conversation, mostly about my job decisions. I so appreciate her prayers, concern, and wisdom and insights. And Big Brother and I helped clean out the basement with our parents. First time I recall us all being down there in well over a decade. Went through lots of stuff together and revisited good memories. Very thankful for Big Brother's help; would have been a miserable task without him!

Always fun times with Mr Squire. Always. 

Reunion with Sue, my mentor from high school and college internships. we hadn't seen each other in ten years! And now we are both working lawyer moms to girls. She went through everything I'm going through now, six years ago, and we are similar in a lot of ways, so her thoughts and insights meant a lot to me. Her advice?

Don't be a stay at home mom unless you're completely willing to let your child discover who she is on her own terms and you are not going to be one of those competitive parents 

Your kid will have her own life soon; you need to let her have that, and have your own

You won't make the wrong decision because you've thought so much about making the right one. Think it through, then pick a path and own it. You won't go wrong. As long as mr Squire and you are okay, batty will be fine. 

Don't give up on law just yet, and don't judge all jobs by your current one. Private practice is the hardest. Try the next thing and if it still doesn't work, then you can quit--but at least you will have made an informed decision. I decided to keep going (even though my friends thought I would never come back after adopting our daughter) and I am so glad I did. 

Learning to Walk Humbly

better sleep than the night before for all of us

Special fish, mushroom, and baby corn wrapped in tofu paper, cooked just for us by my dad. He has been showing us love by cooking yummy things for us and cleaning up after us and giving me hugs whenever I ask for them :)

Mom has been LOVING her time with Junior, and it makes me really happy to see her enjoying junior so much. She is very gentle and sweet with Junior, and I appreciate how much she loves my girl. 

Mom, Hobey, junior and I all went outlet shopping Today. I appreciated mom doing her usual thing: keeping me company, giving comments as appropriate, and folding/hanging clothes up as I finished trying them on. We have done this since I was a teenager. She went along today because she missed shopping with me. I imagine I will be that kind of mom one day too :). And I appreciated Hobey and junior being so patient as we spent quite a few hours out of the house. Junior was very smiley and happy throughout. 

Chick fil A for dinner! Always a hit. Spicy chicken sandwich and waffle fries and frosted lemonade. Yum. 

Yummy rainier cherries. And they are much cheaper here. 

Junior had a ball playing with my Cookie Monster, my clownfish, and my Pink Panthers. I am amazed that I am sharing my stuffies. 

We had such a laugh as we discovered that when I started to laugh, Junior would follow suit with a laugh. We did this for quite a few minutes, to everyone's delight. She brings us so much joy. 

No work again today!

Great weather. Simple and great times together. First drama-free visit in a long time. Very thankful!

Learning to Walk Humbly

the beautiful landscape of Wisconsin. Fields. Farms. Red barns. Trees popping out of vast green expanses. Lake Michigan. The horizon and the sun, meeting at the end of the day. I love this place. How I love this place, and the opportunity to share it with my girl. 

Home again, and thankfully with harmony at home. It is always a total crapshoot, but babies have a tendency to make things better. Or seem better. The days have been joyful so far for everyone. 

Kopps fish sandwich and frozen custard. Yum yum yum. 

Walks with my girl, acquainting her with the quiet serenity and rhythm of life in the Midwest. What a heritage to have. As tough as some parts of my upbringing were, having survived them, I am so so thankful for the privilege of being raised amidst such beauty and with this quiet, humble rhythm. 

No work yet. Thankful for three days of real vacation so far. 

Extra time laughing and eating and hanging out with my girl, my Hobey, and my parents. Real joy and real gratitude. 

Watching my mom love Junior. She really pours out the love to her, and I am grateful. 

My parents' cooking. Familiar and delicious.

Costco run with Hobey, who introduced it to my parents. He even knew to describe it as a building with a red stripe, something I had never noticed. His affinity for Costco never fails to amuse me.

Hobey did a rerun of Jamie Bond for my parents to see, and they laughed almost as hard as I did. I love the Jamie Bond routine and how much fun Junior has with it. And I was thankful for my parents getting to see a glimpse of what a great dad mr squire is. If only they could see a smidgen of what I see. 

Lots of love from the home church--people who have known me since I was just four or five. They were all excited to meet junior. 

Great weather here. So thankful. 

Reviewing old pictures of junior as we get ready to erase pix from mr squire's phone. Always fun to review where we've been together. 

Learning to Walk Humbly - 17 and 18

17 

• Mr. Squire's mom came to help watch Junior overnight so I could got to sleep early and Mr. Squire could meet with the husbands group.  She is generous with her love and time and energy.  That's something that I really value and admire in Mr. Squire's parents.

• Thankful for Mr. Squire meeting with the husbands group.  I know he ministers to the guys, and that these meetings have helped build up the other marriages.  It is encouraging to see Mr. Squire mentoring other men.

• I got to meet up with two dear sisters (L&R), my prayer partners, over lunch.  We hadn't met in a long while, as L was studying for her CFA exam and traveling afterward, and R has been busy juggling work and school.  And I...well, I always bring my lunch bc I work through the lunch hour. But we all made it and enjoyed an hour of catchup time.

• Had fun making Junior smile in the mirror.  I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with her, but I was able to make her slowly appear in and out of view in the mirror.  She loves that game, and I love watching her smile and get excited.

18

• Lots of answered prayers...was able to fall asleep at 9:30, and sleep (with only one nursing session in between) until 3:30 to get up and catch a 6am flight to Tampa.  No travel hiccups on the way there, which allowed me to get there in plenty of time for my five-hour interview.  

Boo on having to pump in public bathroom stalls in the airports.  But...yay for a portable pump? And that I was able to retrieve all my batteries at 5:30am from the neighboring stalls after the battery pack split open and my eight batteries went everywhere in the Newark airport?  And that my pump didn't die when it slipped off the sink and set off the motion sensor and got wet in the Tampa airport (morning session)? And that no one yelled at me for tying up a stall for ten minutes straight in the Tampa airport (afternoon session)?  Lactation rooms, people! We need them!

• Sufficient energy for the interviews, and words to say, and an overall positive experience.  I have some concerns, but am so thankful for the opportunity.  God is working...I'm still not exactly sure what to do, but I know He is working.

• Rediscovered the joy listening to music on my iPod on the plane. I haven't just sat to enjoy my favorite tunes in a long, long, LONG time.  I went back and played a bunch of the songs I used to play to pump myself up for the bar exam. :)

• Had a great conversation with my sister K after my interviews.  She and Big Brother have been faithfully praying for us every day.  I am really thankful for her and for our relationship, which has blossomed beautifully in recent years. And I get to see her tomorrow!

• My mom sent me Jeremiah 29:11-12, 14, and my brother Timmy sent me verse 13 separately by text.  Together, they read:

11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the Lord . . .

I'm certain that this "coincidence" was a message from God, and I was moved that He would pay this much attention to me.  Reassurance that He has a plan.  Affirmation that His is a good plan.  Exhortation to seek Him with my whole heart.  Encouragement that I will find Him.  I must meditate on these things, as the message could not be more clear.

• ​FaceTime with Mr. Squire and Junior while waiting for my homeward bound plane to get over its "mechanical issues with the navigation system" (eek!).  Mr. Squire made Junior laugh a bunch of times, and hearing her laugh made my heart sing.  And passing the time with them was way better than grumbling my way through the extra hour delay.  I'm so thankful for my hobey and ducky.

• ​Happy reunion with Mr. Squire and our ducky.  

• Good reflection time and journaling time on the plane.  The quiet and stillness was really good for my soul.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 16

• A solid night of rest.  Makes such a difference.  So thankful.

• Good workday...very productive, very focused...very not stressed.

• A little bit of hangout time with Junior before work.  I was there when she woke up...blinking into the sun, getting her bearings, then rewarding Mommy with a smile before a biiiiig stretch. And at night, had fun feeding her sweet potato and teaching her fun facts about sweet potatoes.  She got it all over her face, and hands...and arms...and clothes....so we took off all her clothes and had some good snuggle time (her skin is SO soft!) before bath time.  

• Watching her little hand wave back and forth while nursing.  These days will pass all too quickly.

• She smiles every time she sees a certain picture of me kneeling next to flowers on the wall.   That makes me smile.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 15

• Real parenting moments...not just making my girl laugh or smile.  Not just plunking piano keys with her.  Not just watching her play on the floor or reading to her.  Not just typical childcare stuff (as precious as it is) like bathtime or dressing or feeding.  Real parenting:  comforting your inconsolable, screaming baby for 40 minutes.  Like...would not stop crying, and not sure why (hopefully teething).  All the usual tricks didn't work:  flipping, patting, rocking, nursing, singing the special Bathands song...none of that worked.  Just...praying and comforting through 40 long minutes.  With patience and love that could only have come from God.  That is an answer to our daily prayers for wisdom, love, patience, and energy to shepherd our girl.  And I am thankful that He provided and that I wasn't working--so I was able to comfort my girl.  That's why we're switching jobs, ya'll...for the 40 minutes of comforting that screaming, precious child.

• A potential conflict issue meant I had to let the cat out of the bag about Florida to some partners today at work.  They were really fantastic and supportive about it, and I couldn't be more grateful.  Another reminder of the amazing people I've been working with.  

• Didn't get caught in the rain too badly on the way home.  Good thing, bc I didn't have an umbrella!

• Survived the day on like 3.5 hours of sleep.  Total insomniac last night. Hopefully tonight is better.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 14

• Good reunion with the fellow clerks and judge this evening.  Thankful to be able to go, and thankful for a great group of colleagues.  And thankful for all the love that she received.

• Thankful for Mr. Squire bringing Junior into the City for me again. He's such a good daddy. And husband.

• Snuggles with my girl this morning.  She woke up at 6 to nurse, and then I just stayed with her.  She's in the phase where she just examines her hands slowly...front...back...back...front...back... she is fascinated by it.  And I am fascinated by her.  What a privilege, to watch her grow up!

• Good day at work.  Worked well, and took joy in my work.

• Met my colleague's daughter Jilly today.  She's a couple months older than Junior, and I got to hold her.  I was never the person asking to hold a baby... but now I totally get it. And I want to hold them all. 

• Snuggles with my girl in the ergo at the Judge's place tonight. So grateful that she took a nap, because she needed one.  Even more grateful that she fell asleep on Mommy.  :) Looking down at my sleeping girl resting against me...best feeling ever.

• Call-back interview in Florida.  A whirlwind of activity -- canceling my DC interview, book flights to Tampa on Friday, when I originally had a train booked for DC... this is all happening so fast.  This truly makes me humble and brings me to my knees.  It all feels like a rush, and I totally feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean, wondering how the current pulled me out so far, so fast.  I'm a little bit scared, I confess.  I worry about yanking my entire family into an entirely different setting, and ... what if it's not what I expected it to be?  We have covered this in prayer, and we will cover it in more prayer.  Lord, please guide our steps all the way.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 13

• Father's Day!  Mr. Squire enjoyed his photobook and card from Junior, and another card from Mommy.  :)  And I enjoyed celebrating the best daddy ever.

• Called my own dad today.  Thankful for the extra years with him and for all the ways in which he has shown me love and support this year.

• Our friends J & V welcomed their son into the world today!  So fitting for Father's Day.

• We dedicated Junior at church today, answering "Yes, with the Lord's help" to the following call:

Do you receive your children as gifts from God; to promise to raise them in the knowledge and wisdom of the Lord; to model for them godly living, personal relationship with the Lord and the seeking and submission to his will;  to offer unconditional love;  to provide a safe place for them to explore faith; to pray for your children frequently and when possible daily; to offer them back to the Lord when he calls you to?

• Went on a walk with Mr. Squire and Junior this morning.  It was really hot outside.  But we enjoyed ourselves and met more neighbors, and took a nice break to do some people-watching by the river.  I'm trying to make it a habit.  I was also really grateful for Mr. Squire coming along.  He really doesn't enjoy walking at all, but he has been accompanying me on these walks with Junior at my request because it gives us good quality time together. 

• I just looked outside and it is POURING.  Like...absolutely pouring, with wind and everything.  I love it, because I'm not outside.  :)

• Got extra rest this morning... Junior woke up (again) at 630 and refused to go back to sleep, and I played with her for a good hour until she finally fell back asleep.  And then I fell asleep until 10.  Mr. Squire didn't get to play ball because of it :(   but I appreciated his selflessness in helping me get more sleep.

• Snuggles with Junior at church! She fell asleep while I was ergoing her again.  I loooove having her sleep on me.

• Watched Junior eat a strawberry today. She got it all over the towel she was sitting on...her shirt (which also featured a strawberry)...her hair...her toes...her face...her EARS... it was amazing.  

• Made my little adrenaline junkie smile a lot as I whooooshed her upside down over and over.

• Our neighbors J&A dropped off some of the lemon ricotta pancakes A made for J for Father's Day.  :)

• Mr. Squire's parents came over and went to church with us for the baby dedication, and they enjoyed my carrot cake. We also had dinner together.

• Just...feeling lots of joy and thankfulness.  The weekend was relaxing and RICH with lots of time with my hobey and Batty.  More of these, please! And so thankful for this one. 

Learning to Walk Humbly - 12

• Gave Mr. Squire his Father's Day gift - a phonebook about him and Junior.  Such a fun review of their first seven months together.  Mr. Squire is a wonderful daddy.  Junior is super-lucky.

• Morning snuggles with my girl. She woke me up at 6:20 with some mewing from her crib, and I walked in to find her on her tummy, eagerly looking at me with a smile.  Aside from the early hour (at which she should be sleeping!), it was a treasure to spend the next hour with her, nursing, snuggling, playing, talking.

• A relaxing Saturday at home.  I love these!  We had our neighbors A&J over, with their son H.  H is super-smiley and cute.  We had a great time chatting and catching up.  We became friends after complaining (nicely) about noise coming from upstairs last November.  Instead of being defensive, A&J were really nice and friendly and sought to be friends.  They are a good example to me.

• Afternoon walk along the river with Mr. Squire and Junior, with Junior in the ergo.  She's heavy now (better exercise?), but it was really fun to see her looking intently all around her throughout the walk. She can definitely see more from the ergo than she can from the stroller.  And Mommy loves snuggling her close.  :)  Along the walk, Daddy kept putting his baseball cap on Junior's head, temporarily blocking her vision, then removing it quickly with a "peek-a-boo!"  She ate it up and laughed and laughed, over and over. Just want to bottle up those moments and save them forever.

• On our return home, I proceeded to make 3 carrot cakes: one for us, one for the judge's reunion on Monday, and one for our brother and sister - who just had their 3d kid last week.  The cakes turned out really well; it's one of my best recipes. And when I asked Mr. Squire if he wanted a big or small slice, he responded, "BIG, please."  :) No better compliment than that.  

• Quiet evening after Junior went to bed...getting ready to sleep as Mr. Squire watches a "Full House" rerun on television (that and "Saved by the Bell" are the two childhood shows we have in common).

• Singing "Let it Go" for Junior (at Mr. Squire's request) and watching her smile as I dramatically acted it out.

• FaceTime with my parents.

A really good Saturday.  Really good.  So thankful to You, Lord, for the day full of good gifts.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 12

• Mr. Squire brought Junior to the office and she got to meet a bunch of my friends.  Fun to be able to share the joy that is Bathands with others.

• Was able to leave work early and attend the 8th grade graduation for Mr. Squire's former students out in Bed-Stuy.  As we walked through Times Square, Junior's eyes were wide with wonder.  She's much bigger now in the ergo, and she craned her body to the side and had one arm hanging out so she could see everything.  It was ridiculously cute.  She also rode the subway for the first time! It was special to be able to participate in these little milestones with her.

• We three went to Mr. Squire's old school together.  I remember the first time I went was when we were engaged; now we went back as a family of three.  I love my family!

• It was really heartwarming to see Mr. Squire interact with his former students, their parents, and other teachers.  The relationships there run deep, even though he wasn't there for a very long time.  And it's clear that the parents held Mr. Squire in very high regard; many of them came up to me and commented about how he really cared deeply about the kids and had an impact on their learning and lives.  ("My dad just retired from teaching for 40 years and your husband reminds me of him -- really cares about leaving no child behind."  "Mr. Chang, I passed the regents math test!"  "Him passing that math test all started with you teaching him math." "You could tell he really cared about the kids at a deep level; I remember he'd call us at night to follow up with how Isaiah was doing -- and one time he even called to let us know something about his eye!")  I do hope he returns to teaching one day.

• I held Junior in the ergo the whole time (after the subway) and she was sooooo snuggly.  We haven't ergoed her in several months, and I miss having her so close to me, just hanging against my body.  On the walk back to the subway after graduation, she was really tired and she just fell asleep as I was walking.  The whole way home, she just slept against my chest in the ergo and I was in Mommy Heaven.  (I've been getting a little jealous of other babies who sleep on their moms, because Junior doesn't usually.)

• When we put her to bed tonight, she kept making noises, so I kept going in to check in on her.  And every single time, there she was, in the dark, on her tummy, grinning up a storm.  Time to SLEEP, my child!  But ... big grins from Junior -- who can resist?? Certainly not Mommy. I love my precious girl, and treasure all these sweet moments with her, and the time to be aware of these sweet moments with her.

• Good text conversation with my closest friend from college yesterday; she was asking about the interview.  We've had our ups and downs post-college, but I think our friendship is finally at a great level for the long-term.  I'm very thankful for her.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 11

• Mr. Squire stayed up with me till 1AM last night as I worked on a firedrill late into the night.  His moral support was such an encouragement.

• Mercy as I was almost late to my interview this morning.

• A good interview - and even just the opportunity to interview for this position, which I've dreamed about for so long.

• Encouragement and good reminders of God's sovereignty from my faithful, praying brothers and sisters.

• Time to meet our newest niece tonight -- and time with our other niece and nephew, together with Junior.  Four cousins together! If we moved, I would miss this so much.

• Enough energy for the day, and ability to come home on time after a very busy day at work.

• Good chat with Mr. Squire about everything.

• Junior fell asleep on my shoulder after nursing at bedtime.  Little snuggle bug.  I love snuggling with her!

• Nice cool weather.  LOVE IT.

• Thoughtful email from my sister Kim about health insurance/work.  Just another manifestation of her love for us, and that warms my heart.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 9 and 10

9

• Quiet, productive day at work.  Got lots of random things done, that always need to be done, but somehow never get done.

• Time with my girl in the morning (a little) and at night (more).  I came home when the sun was still shining high, so we took a nice, long, HOT walk by the river with Daddy.  She napped for part of it, and we carried her the rest of the way.  I love having her nestled in my arms!

• Watermelon. Mr. Squire bought a reeeeally good one.  It was so good that when his mom tasted it, she said, "Now I understand why Emdash loves it so much!"  :)

• Thankful for Mr. Squire.  Always thankful for him and his gentle, generous, thoughtful heart.  And how good he is with our little Junior.

• A new niece was born into our family! Rejoicing!

10

• Another quiet day at work (until 6pm when I came home, whereupon I clocked 3 hours--so far--while Junior looked at me and I apologized over and over, both internally and verbally).  Another reminder of why I need to leave.

• Lunch with my brother Kenny, who went to law school, but doesn't practice law.  Always an encouragement, and I admire the way his wife parents their two girls.

• Met up with my cousin SK, whom I hadn't seen in eight months.  (Eight months!) Didn't seem like that long, and we just picked up right where we left off. He is that kind of friend. I'm thankful for that kind of friend.

• My girl wouldn't nap! Came home and witnessed Mr. Squire try and try and try and try to put her down for a nap.  But she just wouldn't.  She's so cute, even when she doesn't nap.  And I sure appreciate Daddy's patient efforts to get her to nap.  I have such a wonderful family.  Just being around them is a blessing.

• Today is Mr. Squire's brother's birthday. I'm very fond of him, and thankful for our good relationship.  :)  I had Junior send him a funny email (excerpt: "I'm 7 months old. How old are you?  Like...307 months or something?").  He ate it up.  :)

Learning to Walk Humbly - 8

• A little bit of time with my girl...not as much as I'd like.  But I did get some.  This morning, she stopped nursing all of a sudden, and looked at me with her intent, curious eyes.  She just stared into my eyes, and stared and stared...and then she broke out into a big grin.  And my heart melted.  

• Thankful for decently okay rest even though Junior seems to be sleep-regressing again... Daddy's morning takeover sure helps, otherwise I'd be up starting at 5:30 in the morning...

• Time to finish my big resume review for this week's interview.

• Time with our nephew and niece, and Mr. Squire's parents, and Junior... we all sat on the floor and read A Color of His Own (one of my favorites) and No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed (one of Mr. Squire's favorites) together.  If we end up moving away, we'll miss this, among other things.

• Cooler weather after the afternoon rain.  I went out to buy a book at lunch (that in itself never happens -- leaving the office during lunch? Or ever? Must have been a really slow day...), and it was sweltering and humid outside.  I was pleasantly surprised to find myself shivering on the way home.

• I forgot to bring an avocado for my salad, so Mr. Squire (who happened to be meeting a younger brother for lunch in the city) brought that and fresh chicken from Costco to me at the office!   :)

• Watermelon...strawberries...white peaches...summer fruit from Costco.  Amazing!

Learning to Walk Humbly - 7

• A beautiful Sunday morning walk with my girl.  It's become a tradition:  Mr. Squire stays with Batty on Sunday mornings until Mommy feels as if she has gotten enough sleep (or close to it), then Mommy takes over and takes Batty on a walk as Daddy goes to play basketball with the guys.  We usually walk to the track and back, and I point out the usual sights (these days, endless bushes blazing with roses of all shades of pink, adorable goslings waddling around, bicyclists, dogs, and other babies) and sounds (inevitably, helicopter after helicopter, planes, the ferries, and birds warbling in the trees).  I also have taken to sitting on a bench under a tree, facing the river, and sitting Junior on my knee to play and watch passersby at the end of the walk.  I've lived by four different rivers in the last decade, and always liked the idea of sitting by the river and being quiet, but I never do it.  Having a kid is forcing me to slow down, and I like it.

• Leftover scones from yesterday, with spicy sausage (another Sunday tradition) and runny eggs.  And watermelon.  And popsicles.  We eat well in this house.

• Missions meeting with great sisters.  It's always encouraging to meet and hear about how God is moving in various pockets of the city and world.  I'm also challenged to ponder what mission God is giving us/me.  

• On that note...had some good prayer time today on the walk.  Junior badly needed a nap, and she loves cat-napping in the stroller.  Sometimes I pray out loud with her anyway when she is awake, but I tend to save some of my heavier prayers for when she is asleep. It's a little early to burden her with some of the heavy stuff.  Anyway, had some good conversation with God.  And also started praying for Batty and her role as a sister -- whether we have additional children or not, I pray she would be a good sister to whomever God gives her -- that she would be wise, present, loving, kind, life-giving, and loyal.

• Snuggle time with my girl. And tickle-time. And some selfies because she kept reaching for my phone.

• Praise and worship... words that come from the soul:  Standing on this mountaintop, looking just how far we've come, knowing that for every step You were with us.  Kneeling on this battleground, seeing just how much you've done, knowing every victory was your power in us... Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did You leave us on our own. You are FAITHFUL, God, You are FAITHFUL.

Oh God, You are my God, and I will ever praise You. I will seek You in the morning, and I will learn to walk in Your ways, and step by step, You'll lead me, and I will follow You all of my days.

• Reminders that Jesus is the Word, and the Word gives LIFE, and the Word shines LIGHT in the darkness.  He has never left us.  He is guiding us.  He will have His way.  We can trust Him.

• No calls from work, which means I got my entire weekend!  And all the staff did too.   :)

I am entering this coming week refreshed and encouraged, and reminded of God's sovereignty in our lives.  He is faithful -- and I am His daughter.  Those are two messages I'm getting over and over again.  Walking into the week with my soul lifted high, boasting that He is Lord, and He exercises kindness, justice, and righteousness on the earth -- for in these things He delights.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 6

• Made it to women's retreat!  No emergency papers to be compiled for Monday morning filing (as of yet).  Enjoyed some time with the women at church, which was a blessing.

• Time with my girl! Not as much due to the women's retreat, but she woke up at 5:30 and I stayed with her when she wouldn't go back to sleep.  Usually Mr. Squire takes care of her in the morning so I can sleep, but it was a weekend, and I wanted to hang out with her since I was going to be gone for most of the day. And though I didn't get any sleep (and had to ask Mr. Squire for relief at 8), I was richly rewarded with hearing her delightful gurgles and vocalizations, and watching her bat her froggy around in bed.  She is so much fun.

• When I came back from retreat, she was ready and awake for playtime with Mommy.  I snuggled with her, nursed her, and made her giggle a bunch of times by pretending to eat her little arms and torso.  Again:  she is so much fun.

• Mr. Squire's littlest brother came over to cook dinner for us!  Love seeing him and his gf, and I appreciate their heart and appreciation for Batty.  And I got some baking on: made scones for them to take with them tomorrow morning before their matches.

• Thankful for central air. First summer with it! It's awesome.

• Thankful for a pretty carefree day.  These days are pretty few and far between, so I'm always thankful for them when they come.

• Beautiful evening walk along the river with Mr. Squire and Bathands.  The path is bursting with roses, and we saw the three Canadian goslings strutting around. Their heads are still yellow, though their bodies are not. But their little feathers are SO fluffy...just want to pet them.  The breeze was wonderful, and we had some good talks and laughs along the way.  An excellent way to pass the evening.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 5

• Receiving sweet pictures of my girl and Mr. Squire playing all afternoon.  He wrapped her stuffed pig in a blanket and said he was teaching her about "pigs in a blanket."  They watched the construction trucks outside as they tore up the asphalt in front of our apartment.  He put her down for a nap (as every day) and worked next to her. The flexibility of his job is such a privilege and gift to us, and it is so sweet to see my girl and my hobey enjoy each other's company so much.  (And yes, it made me a weensy bit jealous, but in a good way.)

• Then I came home to see that what Mr. Squire said is true: she smiles when she sees a certain picture of me on the wall.  :)

• Watching her chew on her watermelon rind.  And eating my own. 

• Decent day at work. Thankful for my co-workers.  They are good people, and very smart and good at what they do.  And they help me become good at what I do.

• Another conversation with a complete stranger - someone in the office I'm interviewing for next week.  Kelly is her name.  Found her through a law-school alum (another stranger) who works in a nearby office.  The kindness of strangers...I'm constantly leaning on the kindness of strangers, and it's very heart-warming.

• More perspective... the following reflections... such as what I wrote to a sister today:

It's occurring to Mr. Squire and me that in all likelihood, we'll be moving away, and maybe very soon.  (The DC job, if it pans out, probably would move very quickly - though that poses issues with respect to my desire for the job in Florida.)  I'm not sure how to process that, because I don't think I ever really thought we would move.  And maybe we still won't. But I don't really see another way.

 

The more desirable jobs (in terms of hours) are all elsewhere -- apart from New York, the "magnet for crazy people" as I like to call it. 

Then again...who knows what God is doing?  It has also occurred to me that maybe God is bringing me on a tour of other jobs and positions, and giving me a chance to interview for them -- and then maybe he will close those doors (either through lack of offers, or by convicting us that we should not take them even if offered), as real confirmation--solid and true and undeniable--that we are meant to stay here.  I could see God doing something like that, too -- dangling my dream job in front of me, and then leading me, step by step, to NOT take it, so that I won't ever wonder about it anymore. 

But then...I'm also thinking about my friend Chris as he contemplates a possible move from BJ. He moved there and pulled lots of strings with his big law firm to move there (there was no business reason for him to be there) so he could start a house church there 3 years ago.  The house church expanded from 5 ppl in his living room to more than 200 people.  Now God appears to be calling him, through his law-firm job, to somewhere else (back to Hong Kong? Korea? I forget).

 

And in thinking through it, Chris shared that he felt that he didn't want to go because his church in BJ needs him.  But as he continued to pray and think through it (which he is still doing), he is coming to realize that in the past 3 years, God has used him to raise up leaders at the church, such that...they actually *don't* need him. 

 

And as he looks ahead at this other opportunity that's opening up, he sees ways in which the work God seems to be leading him toward at work is consistent with his church plant's next steps in terms of geography (i.e. emphasis on Singapore, Japan, and Australia, I think it was).  

I don't have nearly as much clarity as Chris does. But as Mr. Squire and I keep talking about a potential move, what makes us really sad is leaving our church and community here. But last night it occurred to me that maybe I'm thinking about it the wrong way.  

 

As wonderful as our church is--and as vital as it has been to our joy and life here -- my sadness stems from what I'll be missing in terms of what it gives to me (i.e. comfort, family, support, love, etc.).  Some of it is also with respect to missing out on ways I love serving in our community (i.e. through prayer and mentoring the younger ladies), but a lot of it is about what I'm going to miss on the receiving end.  

 

But...I'm not supposed to think that way. I should be looking ahead to where God wants me to GIVE.  Not saying I wouldn't be heartbroken to leave Vision (because I totally would be), but God is showing me that while that's a valid thing to mourn, it's not probably a reason to hang back, unless it's also the place where He is calling us to give and serve. (And maybe it is, in which case I really need Him to open up the right door HERE!)

Learning to Walk Humbly - 4

More gifts of the day...

• Woke up after a good sleep and found Batty awake in her crib. She gave me a very happy smile when she saw me.  We played in the big bed after nursing, then went out on a morning walk.  She kept giving me her crinkle-nose smile.  So very adorable.  

• Good, productive day at work.  

• Another interview -- this one in DC.  Three interviews in three days!  God is answering our prayers.  It feels scary because more interviews means potentially more options (or maybe just more moving parts and more uncertainty), but this is another opportunity to trust God more.  Was blessed to be reminded of that and to pray via gchat with my sister Karen.

• Came home okay and spent some time with Mr. Squire and Batty before Batty went to sleep.  Had fun watching Mr. Squire feed Batty a strawberry.  She kept being startled by the tangy flavor, but she loves it.

• Cherries, strawberries, and watermelon. We've been feasting on fruit!

• Central air.  So nice.  Especially on a humid, 90-degree day.

• Mom asked our niece A who Junior was, and A responded, "Bathands!"  Hehehehe. Smart girl!

• Allergies getting better.

• Today is Thursday night.  Best night of the week.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 3

Thankful for great gifts today...

• Time for a morning walk with Mr. Squire and my girl.

• Time even before that for some quiet playtime with my girl right when we both got up.  I went into her room and she was quietly sucking on the tag of the frog I gave her.  We had some good snuggles.

• A short phone catch-up with my jie jie halfway across the world.

• The kindness of strangers helping me in my job search - from our law-school alumni network to jie jie's friend at a pharma company.

• Another interview opportunity! Had to turn it down because it is in Brooklyn (accidentally applied there) but was encouraged nonetheless by the opportunity. 

• Sunshine and a beautiful day

• Yummy lasagna by Mr. Squire

• Time with Mr. Squire and Batty at night -- and Batty is standing/leaning on her own!

Learning to Walk Humbly - 2

• ​Progress on the job hunt.  Florida, maybe?  Not sure.  Taking it one day at a time, and accepting today's joy for today.

• ​An extra hour with my Boston mom and dad before they left for home. Still can't believe they came to spend Nana Cookie's 73rd birthday with Bathands -- first time she left home for her birthday! (Her four kids were in uproar...)

• Time with my girl, before and after work. She didn't want to sit in the booster seat at dinner, and kept making her gutteral groaning noise.  Cute and funny, all at the same time.  She is entertained by the sensation of standing on her own legs, whether on the floor or on Daddy's stomach.  She batted her frog around in the crib for at least 20 minutes before falling asleep.  She continues to love seeing herself in the mirror, especially when you just pop her head up so she only gets a peek of herself at a time.  

• Even had time to knock out insurance forms.  Man, insurance is expensive.  But...lucky to have it.

• Lots of people praying for us!

• Chat with an old co-worker who is also a new mom.  Shared joys in the new experience and journey of motherhood.  :)

• A chance to go to sleep early.  Yay!

• Central air.  So nice.

Learning to Walk Humbly: 1

Every day I whine, at some point, to someone:  "I just need a new job."  "I need to get out."  "I can't do this anymore."  "I'm just tired." 

And all those things are true.  But somewhere along the way (probably pretty early on), I lost perspective.  Day in and day out, I think -- woe is me, I don't get enough time at home with my girl.  But somewhere in there, I forget that I'm blessed to have choices (to work or not to work, to quit or not quit, to apply to this job but not that job, etc.).  And I'm blessed to be in this dilemma because I have a wonderful baby girl and a fantastic husband and loving community.  My life has already turned out better than I could have dreamed. 

And yet I whine.

So it occurred to me this last weekend that day in and day out, I beg God to show me what He wants me to be doing with my life/career.  And day in and day out, I feel like I don't get much of an answer.  But maybe I already have been given the answer.  Maybe the answer is -- He wants me to act justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God.

That last part especially is convicting.  Because in my daily whining and pouting, I'm not walking humbly at all.  I'm complaining and being ungrateful.

I'm not trying to deny that this road is hard, because this last stretch has been real hard.  But I want to at least orient my heart to be more humble before God.  No matter what He calls me to next, I will do it better if I am humble in spirit.  And even if there is no "next" -- obedience alone calls for humility that has been grossly lacking in my life.

So I'm going to try to close each day with a little blogpost (not nearly this long) with some observations and words of gratitude.  Some thank yous to God for giving me my daily bread.  Some gratitude to close out each day.

Today I am thankful for:

-snuggle time with my girl in the morning before going to work.  She's usually sleeping when I leave, but today she was super-awake...and super-smiley, which was extra icing on the cake.  

-a decent day at work. Got good work done, and it wasn't overwhelming.

-a surprise call from an older sister in HK.  Hadn't spoken to her in ages.  Her love is comforting.

-time with my girl and Daddy in the evening before bed.

-energy and time for the day.

-decent commutes both ways (morning was particularly good - 35 mins)

-watermelon. Yum. Yay for cheap watermelon!