Approaching the Bend

I have a Maya Angelou card on my desk at work.  It says, "Whether you are happy or whether you are sad, remember you are always in process."  It's from Big Brother.

The card has been sitting there since April 9, 2013, ​​when Big Brother sent it to me.  I remember it came as a tremendous comfort and encouragement to me when I received it -- I read it over and over, and it made me cry.  I was at Point A, and desperately wanted to be at Point B -- or at least not-Point A -- but I didn't know how to get there, or if I would ever get there.  Big Brother reminded me that I was in process; even if it felt like I wasn't moving, God was moving me in His time, and one day I would probably see how and why.  I always kept his card on my desk as a treasure of great advice and perspective.

It's been more than two years since I received the card, and I reread it yesterday.  Of particular relevance, Big Brother wrote:

As for non-sustainable jobs. I guess I've had a suspicion in my head that the current stress and pace of life was unsustainable for you both, given that you both have so many laudable and wonderful priorities but only limited time and energy. My hope is that as you both figure out what is ahead and blaze a new trail forward, that you will be able to fully say farewell to this season and its work, and then move wholeheartedly into the next season's work.

It just seems sometimes that we may have gone the wrong way, but the great news is that in the end my guess is that you'll have a better idea of why each season and change was needed/why God allowed for them. . . . 

The great news is that amid all of the uncertainty and transition, you will have no choice but to lean heavily on the One who is in control of all, and Who keeps us from having all the control for the very reason he designs -- that we may feel and acknowledge fully our need for Him. But it's never easy because our flesh hates it. So we'll be praying for Emdash and Hobey.  :)  . . . . Every season is as He designs.

It's taken more than two years to move to a real transition point from this season.  A lot has happened during this last period -- both hard and good things.  I'm excited to be at a point where we can start to prepare to "fully say farewell to this season and its work."  

But it's not so easy, leaving so many friends behind.  The initial euphoria of landing the job I've always wanted and (almost always) felt called to has worn off a bit, and now we're thinking about the mechanics of moving and uprooting our family...and bidding farewell to so many beloved friends who are like family.  We're bracing ourselves for a season of isolation and loneliness as we feel our way through a totally new environment and eventually figure out (hopefully sooner rather than later) how and where God would have us grow and serve.  We're steeling ourselves for a long period of transition as I learn (again) how to do an entirely new job.  We're walking boldly into an opaque fog, one foot in front of the other, with little more than a conviction that this is where God has led us after so many years of prayer and seeking.

I'm a little scared.

I'm scared of the isolation, especially coming from a place where we are surrounded by so much love.

I'm scared of starting over, especially now that I'm finally comfortable where I am.

I'm scared of starting a new job -- even if it's the thing I've always wanted to do, and I actually feel more prepared than ever to tackle it.  

I'm scared that even once I get good at my job, I won't somehow do it in a way that pleases God, and mirrors His heart for justice and mercy -- that I'll get sucked into the fear of man and just do what man requires.

I'm scared that the stresses of transition will fracture our family, rather than strengthen it.

I'm scared that it will take a long time to find a new church community...or that we'll find one, only to be disappointed that it doesn't measure up to our dear friends here.

I'm scared of moving back to a place of little racial diversity.

I'm scared that I've lured my family into a place where it won't thrive.  And it will be my fault.

I freely admit:  I'm quite petrified.

And...maybe that's good.  Because as we approach the bend -- as wonderful as it is to be finally(!) at the bend -- I am reminded that we need God more than ever.  We needed Him to survive the last couple years of confusion in the desert. But now that He has led us past that, ... we need Him all the more to plant this next garden and help it to grow.

Dear friends, if you are reading this, please pray for us along these lines. Pray that we would be bold and courageous IN CHRIST as we move forward in faith.

The Long Farewell: TV

TV came over for brunch and a dip in the pool yesterday.  It was great.

She was my first and closest friend at my current firm -- always ready to listen, and famous for bringing in Levain cookies, beard papas, and generous portions of home-cooked leftovers for any and all occasions:  good day. bad day. trial settled. you're the best mentor ever. you came back from vacation. it's wednesday. it's tuesday.  you have bedbugs.

My most ardent feminist friend, she taught me to be shameless about advancing women's causes.  She would have been a great influence (in that way and others) for Junior.

She moved to another firm while I was out on leave and firm life has never been the same.  Well..there's always Palmtreeville.

Learning to Walk Humbly - July 22

Beautiful weather tonight. We took Junior out to the playground across the street and put her in a swing. She sported an immense grin of glee as she swung back and forth.  I remembered with great delight some of the tougher evenings when I trudged home from work late--with more work ahead--when I enviously passed parents playing with their kids outside.  "I'm working my way back to you, babe," was the refrain that always came to mind.  I vowed to get a job that would allow me to be one of those parents.  And these days I am...and I'm on my way.  Thank You, Lord, for the swift deliverance!

We puree veggies and freeze them into cubes, and sometimes we add avocado. I feed it to her as we eat dinner. She doesn't love it.  She takes it in her mouth, tastes it, and gives me a look that says, Mommy--this doesn't taste good. Why are you giving it to me?  But she doesn't cry or whine. She'll accept a few more bites (some days more than others), and then at some point, the gate closes -- she just doesn't open her mouth anymore.  I love it all.

Mommy in the middle!  At least a couple times a night, when I switch sides while nursing, Mommy is in the middle of the bed.  Sometimes it's Bathands in the middle! Other times it's Mommy in the middle! Never daddy.  Poor, poor daddy.  Gosh, I love our family.

Easy, good days at work.  Have a mandate, have things to do, am doing them, but... not stressed.  And somehow, knowing that I'm going to do what I'm doing next has empowered me to be smarter, bolder, more confident -- and better. It's like something woke up inside.

Getting more excited about Palmtreeville.  Still trying to negotiate lots of sadness over leaving beloved family and friends.  Seriously--it's like cutting off an arm. Or worse. But...I know it is right, and I am excited for a new chapter to begin.  Especially since I get to take my amazing family with me.

Got fingerprinted at the precinct today for the new job.  And all I could think was, "Where is thumbkin? Where is thumbkin? Here I am! Here I am!" How Junior has changed me.

Delicious bacon avocado salad at night. Daddy made the bacon just right. It was delicious. It's the little things.

Learning to Walk Humbly

some of the things I am thankful for from the past couple days:

-we told our pastor about our upcoming move. He said he was sad to hear it and that lots of people have been praying for us, and he trusted us, so all he could do was give me a hug. I started to cry. And we gave thanks that we have a bond that makes leaving so hard. Our church family here has been a tremendous source of growth and healing over the past many years. 

-we circled for parking numerous times on Sunday. On circle two, I prayed with junior for God to provide parking. On circle three, a man standing outside his car, smoking, waved us over to give us his spot. He said he had seen us circle the second time, and he waited to see if we came back so he could give us his spot. Then he pulled into some illegal spot ahead and continued smoking. I kind of think he may have been an angel. A smoking angel. 

-I came home last night to find daddy and junior on the floor in the hallway. When I opened the door, junior saw me and got very excited, grinning and kicking her legs. Then she eagerly crawled to me and into my arms. Best. Feeling. Ever. 

-these nights, junior wakes up to nurse at least three times--usually at midnight, at 3 or 4, and 6 or 7. Each time, she comes to me all eager to nurse, and by the end she is satisfied and so very asleep. I carry her back to the crib and look down at her peaceful, slumbering face, and I just want to play and replay those moments forever. One day in the not-so-distant future I will get sleep back again. But these sweet moments with my baby girl will be long gone. I'm enjoying them while I can. 

Learning to Walk Humbly

in the last few days I am thankful for:

• Finality: we're going to Florida (pending the background check)!

• Baking: made sunshine cake for our church's birthday dinner

• Birthdays: our niece turned 2 and we joined them for a lovely birthday party in a nearby part

• Sleep: Mr. Squire took care of Batty for me so I could catch up on much-needed sleep after several nights of sleeping terribly

• Play: Good periods of play with Junior.  We took her swimming for the first time, I had good snuggle time, we had some good laughs, I discovered she is an extravert, I watched her be passed from loving auntie to loving auntie at church dinner and appreciated the love she gets (and we get), lots of peek-a-boo and crawling and helping her to "stand-stand" (I put my hands two inches above the ground, and she places her hands on mine and uses them to pull herself up to a standing position)

• Hobey:  some good quality time with him, too.  I really love Mr. Squire.  We have a lot of big changes ahead. Knowing I get to do them with him makes everything seem much more doable.

• Worship:  lots of reflection over the last couple days...lots of remembering what God has done in bringing all of this together. And particularly bringing it together in a way that will serve as a reminder that it is HE -- not we -- who orchestrate and directs our lives.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 37

We finished our 30-day fast yesterday: facebook for me, espn for Mr. Squire.

Today, I received an offer from the Office in Palmtreeville.

Unbelievable.

20+ years of dreaming and working. In the last several years there were lots of times when I totally doubted that this would ever happen.  And now it has.  It's a little unreal and hasn't really hit me yet.

Then there is the whole bit about uprooting our family and leaving our beloved community and starting all over again. That part I'm less than excited about.

But it does feel as if God has opened the way for us -- and with incredible speed.  More on this later, because I need sleep.  But...for now...we give thanks.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 35 and 36

• Both days came home early enough to play with Junior and hang out with her as she goes through all sorts of advancements: crawling, and today -- pulling up from a crawling position to standing and walking with assistance! What?!  So special to share these moments with her, day by day.

• So many sweet smiles from my girl.  She is sleeping terribly -- waking me up for nursing at 11pm, 1am, 4am, 7 am... and Daddy more times in between -- but she is such a sweet little ducky and in the morning and when I get home, she is so smiley and excited to see Mommy.  Makes me feel so lucky!

• Good quiet times in the evenings.  Been really challenged about the nature of God's will.  So much seeking after it with respect to my work...only to be reminded that in many ways, the biggest aspects of His will have already been made known:  rejoice always.  Pray without ceasing.  Give thanks in all things.  Become more like Jesus.  What a challenge.

• Thankful for Mr. Squire always taking care of our groceries, and taking care of housework...came home to a vacuumed apartment and clean bathrooms.  Not because he notices it when it's dirty, but because his wife does.  I'm not sure how long this season of our lives will last.  And it is tough in many ways.  But there are definite upsides to having Mr. Squire working from home, especially since Batty is here.

Learning to walk humbly

this weekend I am most grateful for:

Junior refusing to nap yesterday afternoon until she rolled into me--so her back was against my front--whereupon she decided that was a good place to take a nap. Mommy was in snuggle heaven 

Same thing when she napped on me in the ergo at church today. Her little head against my heart. A little of that every day, and I would live to be 100. 

Picnic outside on the grass after church and as the sun was setting today. Kale salad, salmon and crackers, blueberries and cherries. 

Watching Junior crawl. She is crawling!!!!!

Hearing Junior laugh. And watching her smile and reach for me. Given the long hours I work, I naturally worry about our bond. But weekends like this one make me believe we are bonded just fine. :) that's definitely answered prayer. 

Took her out on walks both mornings along the river. Yesterday I introduced her to a host of flowers, including morning glories--a childhood favorite of mine. 

More sleep this morning. Thank goodness 

Celebration lunch for getting an interview (much belated)

Time to catch up with sisters at church--and touched by their love and prayers for me and Bathands

Always laughing with mr squire, the best companion ever. 

Learning to Walk Humbly - 31 and 32

31 

• It was pretty yucky working until 1AM.  But very thankful for the gift of Mr. Squire staying up with me to encourage me, keep me company, give shoulder massages, and comfort.  He also calmed Junior down when she had trouble falling asleep.   

• Despite the yuckiness of getting a surprise email at 9:15 and having to sign in to work an unexpected few hours late at night, I was thankful that at least it didn't cut into my time with Junior.  At least I got to feed her dinner, watch her crawl (!!!!!!) from the bedroom to the living room, play with her, and do bedtime.  Those are precious moments.  

I don't remember much else from yesterday.  

32

• It's Friday.  And even though I got only 5+ hours of sleep, I made it through the day okay and for the most part had a quiet, productive day.

• Had a great meeting with one of my partner/mentors.  He and I are working on a case together and ended up having a great conversation about doing trials and what that's like.  He likened a jury trial to a TV show -- putting on a TV show for the jury -- except that there is no soundtrack to tell you what's going on.  So reactions of the witness, lawyers, and the judge are key signals -- and that's part of managing a trial.  Very interesting.  

• Mr. Squire cooked up a delicious salmon for dinner, which we had with salad and avocado.  Junior got avocado all. over. her. face.  It was everywhere.  And I took several videos.  :)  

• Junior is forreal CRAWLING.  And pulling herself up on things.  She is growing up so fast!  (STOP GROWING SO FAST!)  We took a walk before dinner today, and she fell asleep on me in the ergo.  I looooooove it when she falls asleep on me.  It's one of my top five favorite things in the world.  And Mr. Squire and I had some good catchup on our walk.  We saw a baby rabbit literally jump and do a hind-kick spontaneously on a lawn! The rabbit almost looked like it was flying.  Pretty cool.  We paused for about five minutes to watch the rabbit dart in and out of the bushes on our way back from the track.  Evenings walks by the river with my baby and my hobey -- the best parts of my week and life.  

• After we put Junior to sleep, she started her protest-crying (not full-blown crying).  Every time I went to check in on her, she did her flip-and-grin routine.  Seeing her grin eagerly back at me is...awesome.  Not so awesome at night when she's supposed to be sleeping, but ... still pretty darn awesome.  Being her mom is the best.

• Spent a little while catching up on putting her videos up on Youtube.  So thankful for technology... she's changing so quickly.  It's a relief that we can capture a few of these special moments and save them and review them.  (Sometimes when I'm having a tough time at work, or having trouble pumping at work... I play a couple of her videos, and it makes everything better.)

• Cherries. Watermelon!

• Ran into Mr. Squire's parents as I came home. They spent some time with Junior and Junior's two girl cousins on the Squire side, and Junior isn't afraid of Mr. Squire's parents anymore. It was great to see her grinning back at them.  I am thankful for all the love they give her (and us).

Learning to Walk Humbly - 30

Wow...thirty days of Learning to Walk Humbly have passed.  I'm not sure I feel more humble.  I feel more grateful, that's for sure. And I do feel more centered on God and more comfortable with not knowing what lies ahead.  

Let's see for today...

• grateful for a little bit of time with Junior before I left for work really early in the morning.  I skipped my morning shower in exchange for 20 extra minutes with Batty.  She usually is sleeping at 7AM, but not today.  :)  She fell asleep right after I left. Excellent timing.  We shared some smiles and I enjoyed watching her examine her hands and roll onto her stomach and get into crawling position.  Her head is really soft, too...all that hair coming in.  She's so much fun, and I love her so much.  

• I appreciated Marietta, my motherly figure at work, asking about Junior. I said it was really hard to leave Junior in the morning. To which Marietta responded, "oh, she's okay.  she say, 'I understand, Mommy -- it's okay.  I understand.'  Yeah, heh heh.  She's okay."  I love Marietta.  And she made me believe it, perhaps for the first time, that maybe Junior does think it's okay that I go to work.

• I hear that Junior really enjoys Abuela and gets excited when she sees her.  I'm really thankful for Abuela.  I feel bad, because I never see her.  And a lot of times I end up complaining about the way she does things because my apartment doesn't look exactly the way I expect it to (although it IS a lot neater with her help!).  I need to focus on the bigger thing, the most important thing: is she loving my child? And I think the answer is yes.

• Good quiet time, studying Hebrews 11.  I am challenged by the repeated statement that these people who are praised for their faith didn't receive what was promised and what they anticipated.  The fulfillment of the promise came after their time.  It is a reminder to me that God works on HIS timetable, and he can take generations -- even centuries -- to move the ball forward in His perfect way.  The heroes of faith existed in segments of time, in pieces of God's story.  They didn't see the bottom line, but they knew it was coming, and lived accordingly.  And so it is with me... I shouldn't expect to see massive movement (though I do expect to still see the small miracles), but I should continue proceeding as if God will have His way in the end -- because He will.  

• Good prayer time last night with honey... good confession as to ways in which I am not "imaging forth" what God is like to others.  Not telescoping and magnifying God, and making known His goodness. 

• Thankful it didn't rain on me to or from work! And it wasn't too hot.  :)  And our AC is functioning.  And watermelon!!!

Finishing Well in the Dash - 29

• It is always sad to leave for work without seeing Batty with her eyes open.  But it is sweet to see her lying next to Daddy, arms up by her head, contentedly snoozing on the big bed.  I am sad that I'm not there when she wakes up.  But I am happy that she seems to be a joyful little baby -- my joyful little baby.  

• I was thankful to run into Bern on the way out so I could get a spare ID card so I can get into the office early tomorrow (I seem to have lost my own card).  Usually I don't see Bern...but I did today, just in time. I knew that was God's provision.

• Some quality time with Junior after work.  I held her, fed her cereal, played on the floor with her and just enjoyed watching her as she starts to crawl.  I also played some of her favorite mirror games (like peeking her above the mirror so she can see herself).  And then we put her to bed.  Sometimes I am dumbfounded by the old Emdash who couldn't appreciate babies.  Babies are awesome!  Suddenly I understand -- so fully and completely -- why people say that babies are God's gifts.  They are.  They really, truly are.

• Good quiet times after putting Junior to sleep.  And encouraged that Mr. Squire started his quiet time even before I did.  We're working on building these habits! And for me, reading the Bible with more of an eye toward what it's telling me about God -- rather than what it's telling me about what I need to be doing -- has been really helpful. 
• Today I read and reflected about faith and how it is certainty for things we hope for and do not see.  I had to think about what I hope for, but do not see, and how certain I really am about it.  Certain things -- like God's power and creation -- are things I hope for and am dead-certain about.  But then others, like the notion that one day, all people will bow and confess that Jesus is Lord...I tried to picture some of my partners and some of my close (not-yet-believing) friends doing that, and it was really hard to picture.  It was a wonderful image in my mind, but hard to say with conviction that I'm certain that one day it will happen.  But the Bible says it will!  
• The other thing was that I feel uncertain that if I seek God I will find Him.  Because I feel like I've been seeking Him, and haven't been able to discern His will, particularly with respect to my work.  But ... upon further reflection (and this must have been the Spirit talking), it's actually true that the seeking leads to finding. I feel that especially in the last several days of reading the Bible and just taking time to study and pray, I have found God...I've learned more about Him and who He is.  

• Thankful for good commutes today.  And for a pretty okay day at work.  And an okay amount of sleep.

• Yummy cherries! Yummy watermelon! :)

Learning to Walk Humbly - 28

• Hands-down best part of the day was watching Junior blow raspberries at dinner.  She's very much in the early exploring days of eating food, so she ends up completely covered in cereal and veggies... all over the face... hands... arms... dribbling down the neck... all the websites say it's just a healthy stage of infant development, so I let it be and give thanks for the $6 wipeable tablecloth I found at Kmart on vacation.  It makes a great splat mat!  Today when she was blowing raspberries, we started counting how many times she did it...and she started blowing raspberries after every count! All the way up to 19. And then she stopped.  It was hilarious.

• Another favorite Junior memory: I was just finishing up at work when Daddy texted five pictures to me...all featuring Junior in an empty diaper box.  She is so dang cute in those pictures.  :)

• Nice weather today. A little hot in the morning, but not too humid in the afternoon. And I had a good commute both ways, which I was thankful for.

• Thanks to a very ironic conflict issue, I had to disclose to certain partners at my firm that I'm a candidate for the position I interviewed for last week in Palmtreeville.  What are the chances that on the very day I get a call-back interview from one of the 90+ districts in the country, I also get put on a case in which my client was investigated by that very same district??! Anyway.  It is now a relief to have it out in the open, and today I appreciated those partners checking in to see how the interview went, and their well wishes and hearty support.  Much better than skulking around creeping off to interviews!

• In other news, I got an offer for that non-attorney job at the big bank today. I'm pretty sure I'm going to reject it...although the salary and benefits are much better than what I'm gunning for down in Palmtreeville.  I'm thankful that Mr. Squire seems to have the same conviction I do.

• A good, productive day at work.  I was really productive.  And I had time and space to be productive, which made me really happy.  Quiet, productive days at work make me happy.

• Good quiet time after putting Batty to bed.  Mr. Squire had it too.  I appreciate these new habits, and the relief of meeting with God at the end of the day.

For all these things, and more, I give thanks!

Learning to Walk Humbly - 27

• Last day of vacation with Mr. Squire and our dear ducky.  Today was restful, especially spiritually. We met with our new assistant pastor and his family and were encouraged to spend more time with God, getting to know Him better through His Word.  Little steps, but we picked up on reading the Bible to Batty again, and we each spent some good quiet time after she went to sleep.  I'm trying to read with a greater eye toward what the Bible says about who God is and what He has done--rather than what I'm supposed to do (because one would think that understanding more of who God is would influence what I do anyway).

• Reminders in Joshua 1 that God keeps His promises, even if He does so over several generations.  He can deliver entire lands into the hands of His people.  We can be strong and courageous with the promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us.  He wants us to obey His commands.

• Good chat with a sister at church today (Wendy).  She has always been encouraging and concerned for our family, and I appreciate her prayers, love, and perspective.

• Junior is really starting to crawl (kind of).  She is also verbalizing a lot more now (I credit a week with our niece A for that).  And she spent a lot of time snuggling with and smiling at Mommy today.  What a treasure and a joy.  I love you, Junior!

• Feeling spiritually recharged after vacation. Not really all that physically rested, but definitely emotionally and spiritually recharged.  Returning to work will be a bear tomorrow, but I am looking forward to resting in God for energy and strength for the day -- and enjoying His faithfulness in that.

• Mint chocolate chip ice cream with leftover crushed oreos from the cheesecake I made at home.  Yum  :)

Learning to Walk Humbly - 26

A safe and good flight home for the Squires.  Since Junior didn't go to sleep until 11:30 last night, and we had to pull her up at 8, we were concerned that she would melt down on the plane. But she didn't:  after takeoff, I nursed her, she fell asleep, and she lay across our laps for an hour and 40 minutes...all the way until we were about to land. Amazing answer to prayer!

Good, quiet afternoon at home.  Mr. Squire's parents retrieved us from the airport and hung out as we unpacked and got groceries.  Then I made chicken pot pie for the first time since Junior was born.  

Mr. Squire and I went out for a walk with Junior at 7, and didn't return home til 9:30.  We had a good leisurely walk as we waited for the fireworks like everyone else on our riverfront.  We're usually very on-the-go about our walks because Mr. Squire doesn't like walking and I usually don't have a lot of time.  But we really took it easy today, and it was great.  Junior has been a lot more vocal during the last two days, so she blessed us with a bunch of "ehs" and "gahs" and the occasional sound that we swear could be interpreted as "hi."   :)  She also practiced blowing raspberries -- her new favorite thing.

I did the Jamie Bond routine with Junior a bunch of times today.  She grinned so much.  So did I.

She's starting to crawl-ish! Very fun to watch.

Came home and put Junior to bed, and then Mr. Squire and I had some good quiet time.  We need more of that, and we need discipline in meeting with God in His Word.  I'm thankful that we took a step in the right direction today.

Learning to Walk Humbly - 25 (part 2)

After posting the last blog entry, Batty was still tossing and turning in the big bed. She did the flip-and-grin routine at least five times.  And even when she didn't flip, when I went to check on her, she gave me the widest, sweetest grin.  Unbelievably cute. But it's BEDTIME, BATTY!

Finally, I pulled her up and brought her downstairs.  There, she totally charmed the socks out of my parents and Big Sister.  Ama held her, and she gave each of us a huge, sweet grin -- one by one.  Enough to make anyone's week.  Oh, this girl. We might have a night owl on our hands.  An unbearably sweet and spunky night owl.  God entrusted a special one to us!

Learning to Walk Humbly - 25

Last day of vacation in Wisconsin.  Some ups and downs, but mostly good. I've especially appreciated watching Bathands with my parents, who dote on her, and spending time with Big Brother, Big Sister, and our niece A.  

This evening, A and I spent some time coloring in her Hello Kitty coloring book together. At her request, I colored a page featuring Hello Kitty with a rainbow. I gave Hello Kitty striped boots and a polka-dotted dress matching Bathands' polka-dotted dress.  Big Sister quipped that we could call her "Hello Bathands."  A helpfully added that we could also call her "Hello Ducky."  Or "Hello Junior."  I'm not a fan of Hello Kitty at ALL.  But...Hello Bathands I could be a fan of.  :) 

Some ironically funny moments... Mr. Squire asked Mom if she needed any help cooking dinner.  Mom dismissively said no.  But then, on second thought, she said, "But ... I want you to help me in the yard by edging the lawn."  He had offered to cut vegetables, and instead...well, he got to cut a bunch of grass.  He ended up spending over an hour out there, and didn't finish until we were well past cooking the vegetables (I took over the cooking so she could play with Batty).  I felt bad that he was still out there, so I washed a big bowl of cherries and brought it out to him and hung out for moral support.  I eagerly held one out and said, "Look! I brought you cherries!"  To which he put out a fake sad face and whimpered, "But I'm allergic to cherries."  ...Oh yeah.  This is a recent discovery, which is why I keep forgetting. We had a good laugh.

Another perfect weather day.  God has so generously given us the best weather during our entire trip here (following a long rain spell, I hear).  Mr. Squire, Bathands, and I went to visit the beach behind the convent again.  Batty was napping in the ergo, and Mr. Squire and I had fun seeing how far he could throw various pieces of driftwood.  He tried to throw from one wave break to the next, and when it got lost in the lake, he fished it out with a bigger stick.  In the meantime, I egged him on and enjoyed the lapping waves.  It's the best place. I love it there.

We took Batty folk dancing. It was terrible for her sleep schedule, but all the love she got from her folk dancing friends -- people who knew me since I was a little girl -- was so worth it.  Claire, Fran, Mike, Dave and Gloria, Vern and Diana, Adrienne, Merilee, Mercedes, Marie, and more... now in their 60s...70s...80s...Fran is pushing 90 soon.  And they poured love on Bathands, who joined us for the first dance.  :)  And Mommy did the 5-figure cacak while Bathands was trying to figure out what was going on.

Lunch with Aunt Florence.  At 83, she is still going going going,  which is cool to see.  And Batty enjoyed playing with her.

Bathands did her whole "flip over and grin at Mommy" routine a couple times tonight after we put her to bed.  I got it on video this time.  :)

Good chats with Big Sister and sweet hugs from our niece A.

Yummy yellow Rainier cherries. And my dad made fried rice (so yummy).  And Mom made sunshine cake.  (Also yummy.)

Tomorrow we go home.  I don't feel rested physically, but it has been a good break and time with family.  

Dear Junior

Dear Junior,

Here at Ama and YeYe's house, we three (you, Daddy, and me) are sharing a single room, so we all sleep in one queen-sized bed with you in the middle.  (Only when nursing does "Mommy in the middle!" happen for a few minutes.)  I was trying to sleep just now, but ended up just watching you sleep peacefully beside me.  I realized that it is a gift to just lie down next to you and watch you sleep.  Daddy gets to do it pretty frequently, since he often puts you down for a nap in the big bed right before Mommy comes home, and he lies down next to you to read or do work.  But Mommy doesn't see you do this hardly at all; most of the time when I'm home, you sleep in your crib.  So I love watching you sleep up close.

My dear ducky, you are almost eight months old.  I keep thinking that we are only four months away from completing one-eighteenth of your time at home (assuming you follow the usual schedule).  How is time flying by so fast?  Let me note some of the special things that are going on with you these days:

• You've long since moved on from the ducky bag for bedtime. Nowadays, you wear the ridiculous pajamas (i.e. very gobby-looking pjs featuring cartoon bunnies and bears and patched socks, with random English words and phrases like "Fun love friend welcome") courtesy of Daddy, with a sleeveless sleepsack over it. I miss the ducky bag. But I have finally gotten used to the ridiculous pajamas, and even enjoy watching Daddy do his whole "3...2..1...pantsed!" routine when he pants-es you before a diaper change.  You loved being pantsted too.

• You are ticklish.  We love pretending to eat your belly, with toothless gobbles from our big mouths to your belly.  You giggle and squeal, to our delight.  Other times, I tickle you with my forefinger, although you tend only to giggle or smile if I accompany the tickle with a very high-pitched "tiiiiiiickle tickle tickle!"

• You are my little adrenaline junkie.  You love all things that get your adrenaline going:  being "baby-pressed" (i.e. held high in the air, and back down again), being carried around as "Jamie Bond" (i.e. furtive, spymaster-style loping about the house and creeping around corners before pointing your wrist out and going "pew! pew! pew!" with your little fire-arm.  har. har. har), sudden drops of all sorts, running in the ergo, being startled ("Boo!"), and other such fun activities.  These things make you grin and laugh.  Your toothless grin is amazing.  I know I should want you to have teeth like a normal person, and I'm sure I'll be glad when those teeth come in, but for now...man, I love your toothless grin.  You are adorable!

• You're a little more vocal about your likes and discontents these days, which is actually quite helpful.  And you love sucking your left thumb. Sometimes you'll stick your pointer finger straight into your mouth, but the thumb-sucking is exclusively a left-hand affair.  And you look really cute sucking your thumb.

• You're getting used to eating rice cereal.  We haven't gotten too far on starting you on fruits and veggies, but we'll do that when we get back from vacation. For now, we just give you little tastes here and there of stuff.  You love gnawing our a peeled carrot stick or an empty watermelon rind or the middle of a large strawberry. Oddly, you also love sucking on lemon slices, which Daddy tried on a whim a couple days ago. Weird.

• You continue to struggle with your naps.  If we put you down for a nap, unless you're reeeeeally really tired, you resist it and flip onto your stomach. And you start to protest by protest-crying. So we play with you some more, and try again in a few minutes.  When you go down without protest-crying, or quickly find your thumb and start sucking and zoning, we know you're ready.

• Most of the time, you're pretty good about going down for bed. But sometimes we check in on you after a few minutes, only to find you flipped over on your stomach and grinning at us, in the dark, through the bars of your crib.  It always makes us laugh and shake our heads.  Funny ducky.  Time to SLEEP!  Other times, we go in and find you batting your pet frog or your two pillows around.  Sometimes you can go for an entire hour, quietly playing by yourself, before finally dropping down to sleep.

• You love pulling Mommy's hair. And tank top straps. And hairband.  You love watching us drink water (and always reach to get some yourself).  You love reaching for things that you're not supposed to touch on the kitchen table. You love sticking EVERYTHING in your mouth.  You love playing with all sorts of simple toys--straws, plastic cups, paper cups, placemats... and you love dropping them, over and over and over.  We now have a 3-drop rule.  Three drops, and no more picking it up. Sorry! It's for your good.

• You don't mind having your clothes taken off. But you tend to protest-cry when your clothes are being put on.  I'm not sure why.

• You love playing with the plastic ducky/water scooper during your bath. Between that and your left thumb, you are a happy camper.

• You still do that amazing thing when you sneeze...you sneeze, then make a cute little after-sound.  One time, I sneezed, and you made the after-sound. You little goofball.

• There's a picture of Mommy squatting next to a garden of daisies in Central Park hanging on our wall at home.  Whenever Daddy holds you up to the photo, you grin broadly and reach for the photo.  I love that you do that.

• The whole "Timber" routine doesn't make you grin on command anymore. Sadness. We'll have to find some other trick.  My "You are my Bathands" song still seems to have its magic charm in calming you down, though, particularly when Mommy holds you and rocks you at the same time.  :) Mommy loves it too.

• Not that it matters, but I have favorite outfits.  One is your striped onesie from Makie that you inherited from the Lee sisters.  I also favor your fleece jumper with large colorful polka dots.  Now that you have outgrown the ducky suit and your pink zebra outfit, those are my two favorites.

• Overall, you appear to be a very happy and content baby. You smile a lot, you laugh frequently, and you spend a lot of time sucking your thumb and taking everything in.  You are mild-mannered, not very demanding, and generally very chill.  You are so, so, so loved.  I think you know it. Hopefully you know it.

Love to Bathands,

Mommy

Learning to walk humbly

not just a decent night of rest, but finally--a good night of rest. Vacation is coming to a close, but we are finally getting some much-needed sleep!

Sweet moments with batty all day: from making her grin as we do the Jamie Bond routine, to playing with the kitchen set together, to feeding her cereal, to getting her to nap, to ergo-ing her to my favorite spot on the lake by the convent... Really enjoyed my day with my girl

Lunch with one of my oldest mentors, Steve. He was my manager fifteen years ago and since then has been a loyal friend and mentor. Always a gift to see him

Took Junior and Hobey to the flower shop and enjoyed showing them all sorts of flowers. I think Junior in particular had a good time. Afterwards, we went to Kmart to get something for my parents, and Mr Squire and Junior had a ball hanging out on the sofas, making friends with random strangers (who love to ask for unsolicited introductions to the baby), and sliding around on the furniture. I love watching them play together. 

Big Brother packed and shipped all of my old stuff to me. Big job. So thankful he did it so I didn't have to. Thanks, Big Brother!

ate dessert in the sunny, beautiful dinette with Big Sister, who gave me good advice on introducing solids to Junior

Walk to my favorite Lake spot behind the convent with Mr Squire, Mom, Junior, and our niece A. It's always fun to share the beauty of that space with others. A loved collecting feathers, seeing the rabbits, skipping stones (or trying to), watching the waves, and tossing the sand. Everyone else (junior included) loved watching her

My dad cooked up a delicious meal of fried rice, dumplings, and kale. We had a heaping bowl of yellow Rainier cherries afterward. 

The beauty of Wisconsin continues to restore my soul. And the rhythm of life here--sleep in, see friends, eat, go on a simple but beautiful walk, eat again, and sleep--is wonderful  

I love my girl. I love her dad. I have a good family. I am thankful. 

Learning to walk humbly - 23

finally, everyone got a decent night of rest. Thankful!

Another beautiful day. Took a most lovely walk with Big Brother and Big Sister with Junior in the ergo. Went to the convent and my favorite patch of beach behind it. Was able to share the beauty and joy of the lapping waves of an expansive Lake Michigan with my girl. 

Big family dinner at home with Big Brother's med school roommate. Yummy food and good times. I can't help but think this is the happiest this house has ever been. 

More cleaning, which led me to find all sorts of old things, including old letters and my sparkly swing-choir hat, which Mr Squire and Junior enjoyed watching me wear and perform a little swing song in 

Belated Father's Day outing for my dad at outback. I joined him in enjoying the rack of lamb. He seemed very happy with the whole thing. Happy to see my dad happy. And happy when Junior reaches for him, because he actually loves to hold her. 

My niece read a couple books to me! And her parents gave me a super-cute book--Toys Go Out. Very thoughtful. 

Fed a bowl of cereal to my girl. And put her down for a nap. Totally mundane things--but among the best things about this vacation. Sadly, I don't feel like I've been able to spend that much time with her this break. Between having to do stuff my mom wants done, doing some work, sharing her with five other adults, and trying to get sleep, I don't have a ton of time with her. So the small things--extra snuggle time, struggling to put her down for naps, getting her to eat...these have been gifts to me

Cherry Kringle. Yum.